2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A fragment from my book "What do we confuse love with, or is it Love".
Warm words: compliments and gratitude
Warm words keep the couple emotionally comfortable.
Expressing gratitude helps to clearly indicate that the partner is valuable and their actions are valuable and important.
Compliments also help your partner feel valuable, significant, and unique.
However, you also need to learn to speak warm words and look for mutually suitable options in a pair. There are some general principles, but the details are important to clarify and agree on individually.
It is important to speak warm words sincerely and truly with warmth in your heart. A tortured “thank you” uttered with resentment will sound more like an insult than gratitude.
In order to speak kind words, it is important to notice the details and vocalize them.
Just “thank you” is too general. It can be noted for what actions - “thanks for helping me with this and that”. It can be noted what exactly this was important - "it helped me to finish things faster and I was able to devote more time to the child." Some positive qualities can be noted - “you did it so cleverly”. It can be noted the value of the fact that a person found time, despite his busyness. You can also express gratitude for the intention to help, even if the help itself did not take place, if there was no need for it.
Compliments are the same. “You look great” is too general. You can clarify what exactly is beautiful. "This dress especially emphasizes your slim figure." But not “You're so slim in this dress” (this is an anti-compliment). "In this photo you can see especially clearly how bright your eyes and charming smile are." But not “This is a good photo” (this is an anti-compliment). “I like your voice” can be expanded with a metaphor or your own feelings “When I hear your voice, I feel calmer, I feel your warmth and your support in the intonations of your voice.”
One way or another, it is important to discuss with your partner which format of warm words is most pleasant and understandable for him.
Constructive criticism
No, of course, we cannot and should not always just “stroke the wool” of anyone.
There are things we don't like and we should talk about them. But criticism should be constructive.
Unconstructive criticism:
- The transition from human actions to human personality. “You're late” is an action. “You’re late” is a transition to personalities, an attempt to ascribe a negative trait to a person. Likewise, “you’re stupid,” “you’re kapusha,” “only a fool could do that,” etc.
- Generalization. “You always”, “You never,” “Everything is bad,” “Nothing will work out,” “You can’t do anything,” etc. Avoiding details and specifics.
- Arrogant or accusing tone. The goal is to humiliate, not solve the problem. By the way, this can be a sign of hidden resentment or anger.
- An attempt to “improve” a person in areas that do not affect our responsibility.
Constructive criticism:
1. The purpose of constructive criticism - if something “goes wrong, then convey to the partner what exactly is wrong, and what to change so that it becomes“so”. By default, constructive criticism is possible in areas that affect interaction with a partner or some kind of joint contexts. Life, sex, communication with each other, etc.
For example, a partner's appearance is not part of the joint context. Of course, it is worth reporting if there is a hole in the clothes, and the partner does not notice. But we cannot “reeducate” a partner. We can only give feedback, for example, if something from the clothes is very upsetting, we can communicate our feelings, but we cannot criticize the taste of our partner.
If we have skills in some area that the partner is just beginning to master, then we can offer our help, but we should not turn into an “evil teacher” and poke our nose “everything is bad, redo”.
So, the purpose of constructive criticism is to change the situation in such a way that it suits both of them.
2. It is necessary to maintain respect for the person. Avoid personalization and insults. Do not set goals to hurt or prove that "I am better." Remember that my partner and I are still one team, and our task is to understand each other, and not to quarrel.
3. It is worth explaining in detail what is wrong, why not, and what is needed to do so. You can also suggest looking for a solution together.
“This sour cream is 10%, so it curls up in the sauce. Therefore, please buy 15%. And please check the date: if it has been standing for a week, it will also collapse."
“When you are more than 10 minutes late, I get annoyed because I have other things to do too, and I also want to rest, but while I’m waiting for you, I don’t do business, and I don’t rest, it tires me and depressing. How do you think we can solve this problem?"
4. Besides what is “wrong”, it is also worth noting that “so”. Celebrate good moments, express gratitude, and celebrate the significance and value of a partner's actions or intentions.
5. If you want to voice something, but it’s scary to offend a person, you can use the following wording in the following way: “I want to discuss one issue with you, but I’m afraid that you will be offended / upset / angry. I would not want that. I would like you to know that I appreciate your actions. And if we discuss and resolve this issue, then both of us will become more comfortable."
The optimal wording for criticism also needs to be selected individually in each pair for each partner.
The book "What do we confuse love with, or Love is this" is available on Liters and MyBook.
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