2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A fragment from the book "What do we confuse love with, or is it Love".
We want to be seen, heard and correctly understood. The deeper the level of communication, the more important it is for us to feel that the contact has taken place. Feedback from a partner helps us to feel this.
If the partner does not give feedback, then it can be requested directly.
1. The so-called “reflection”: “How do you see me? How do you perceive me?"
How do we see the emotional or physical state of a person, what personal qualities do we notice?
“You look tired. Let me bring you some tea and have dinner, while you rest?”
“You seem to be inspired by your new job. It's so nice to see your burning eyes!”
"Oh, you approach this business so responsibly!"
“Seems like this news upset you? You stopped smiling when you heard about it."
"Oh, you know so much about this topic and talk about it so passionately!"
To give this kind of feedback, you need to be attuned to your partner. You need to develop attention to detail and empathy.
2. Empathy, acceptance and confirmation of feelings.
How do we see the inner state of a partner? How would we answer his question “How would you feel in my place?”.
“Yes, it’s really an unpleasant situation, I would be upset too”, “Probably, you were scared when you saw this?”, “You seem to be interested in this topic?”.
3. What influence did the partner's words have.
What could we answer to the partner's questions “What thoughts and feelings did my words make you feel? What was interesting to you in my story? What impressed you, what did you like or dislike?"
4. Please tell us more.
When we are empathetic to a partner, then we can notice that in some of his short phrases there are a lot of emotions. We can ask “Do you want to share?”, “Do you want to tell more about this?”, “I would be interested to hear more”.
For those who want to share, but do not hear the partner's question, you can, for their part, ask a direct question “Are you interested if I tell you more about this?”.
5. In the course of the story, ask questions or, on the contrary, listen without interrupting, but ask questions afterwards.
Someone perceives as attention the questions in the process, while someone, on the contrary, would like to talk without being distracted, and discuss the details later. It is important to clarify to whom in a pair which option is more suitable.
If you ask specific questions (but not closed "yes-no", but open, suggesting a detailed answer), then this expands and deepens the conversation.
And the feedback in the form of a generalization or “explanation”, on the contrary, closes the conversation. For example, saying “well, it’s winter, now we’re all tired” in response to “I feel tired” will close the conversation. And the question “what do you think makes you feel tired”, on the contrary, will allow your partner to speak.
6. Briefly retell in your own words what was heard from the partner.
This allows us to find out if we understand each other.
“Do I understand correctly what you mean …” and briefly convey the essence of what the partner said. The partner can respond - right or wrong, and what exactly is wrong.
It doesn't matter if for some time it often turns out that it is wrong, and the partner meant something completely different. This can be upsetting or annoying, but it’s a normal path to understanding.
7. Pauses.
Sometimes pauses are needed in a conversation. To give each other the opportunity to comprehend what has been said, to be with their feelings, to add something else.
Balance is important here. Understanding when pauses are appropriate is achieved through training and feedback.
Sometimes we too quickly start talking about something, when the partner has not yet finished his thought, is just thinking, and would like to add something. Sometimes, on the contrary, we are silent for so long that the partner does not understand our reaction. It is important to learn mutual understanding in this matter too.
A fragment from the book " What do we confuse love with, or is Love"The book is available on Liters and MyBook.
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