2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Sometimes conversations take place superficially, without deep contact. The interlocutors, as it were, remain each in their own reality, without meeting on a common territory of meanings and experiences, and without understanding each other's position.
How does this happen?
“Here's a cool elephant,” says Alice.
1. Bob, without turning around, nods "Uh-huh." Alice was left alone with her elephant, Bob ignored her.
2. "And what?" - says Bob, looking tiredly at Alice, glancing briefly at the elephant. On the one hand, Bob showed interest, on the other hand, a mixture of indifference and irritation.
3. “Oh well, not cool” - Bob says contemptuously and buries himself back at his smartphone. On the one hand, Bob drew attention to the elephant and expressed his opinion, on the other hand, Alice was left alone with her elephant, not heard or understood.
4. “And I have a giraffe. His neck is long and in general I love them”- Bob begins a passionate story on another topic that is close to him. To tell about something important to yourself is good in general, but Alice was left alone with her elephant, Bob ignored her.
How could it be otherwise?
Bob looks at Alice and the elephant. And for the duration of the conversation, it ceases to be distracted by gadgets and everything else.
Bob tries to capture Alice's emotional state.
Bob tries to get a closer look at the elephant.
Bob tries to summarize what he saw.
“Yes, the elephant is big and gray. Seems like he impressed you?"
Alice can nod "Yes, yes, it's big and gray." Or he can answer that Bob did not notice the most important thing in the elephant, “No, you don’t understand, all the elephants are big and gray, and this one has a mole on the ear” or that he misunderstood her reaction: “No, I didn’t just impressed. delighted!"
If Alice didn’t say anything like that, Bob might ask what exactly this elephant impressed Alice with or what kind of feelings it caused. What thoughts and associations does Alice have with this elephant. In the end, it is important to understand why this elephant is important to Alice and why she wanted to share it with Bob.
After Alice's answer, Bob can give some kind of feedback. About his feelings - for example, that he is also interested or pleased that Alice shared an elephant. About his impressions of the elephant - what exactly this elephant means to Bob.
Bob can study the elephant in more detail and find something new that Alice did not notice, and then discuss it with her.
This is the process of deepening the conversation. His key is “What exactly is important to you and why is it important? What thoughts and feelings does this evoke?"
The process of expanding the conversation is also possible. When the elephant has already been considered in depth, you can find another topic next to the elephant. Key “What else is it connected with? What associations does it evoke?"
Bob may remember that elephants can draw. And from this topic you can move on to the topic of art, intelligence, cruelty to animals, etc.
Text: a fragment of my book "What do we confuse love with, or is it Love". The book is available at Liters.
Image: from the site pixabay.com
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