How To Get Out Of Resentment, Lifelong

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-15 16:05

July evening. Sticky, hot perspiration presses on the closed windows. The fan hums, creating the appearance of coolness.

An eight-year-old girl is crying on the bed with fear and pain. She just fell off a swing. A huge “boat” several times stretched it upside down on the gravel. By Akim somehow the young girl managed not to injure her face, but … her right breast was combed to the point of being impossible to look at. A swollen, wounded mess.

A frightened mother sits next to her, not understanding how else she can help. Her face is strained with compassion and horror. As if it were her chest covered in sharp gravel.

An adult woman is holding on with all her might, she is trying to be reasonable and “control the situation” - she called the doctor, found out what to do, and sent her husband to the pharmacy.

Time passes, and dad returns … and declares that there is no such medicine, and he will not go to the pharmacy again.

- Go yourself!

“Go yourself! Go yourself! Go yourself! ….."

“I always do everything myself! You were never there when you were needed! Never!!!"

A hot wave of o bid y is covering his head. Furious words of pain, indignation and unspoken tears burst outward and explode with fiery fireworks. A whole glow of anger and righteous revenge. Much more than you might expect in a situation like this.

“You were never, never there when you were needed! And now, when you are here, you behave as if you are not!"

A furious slam of the door, and the woman is already on the street. Resentment suffocates with a lead ring. Unbearable physical pain, as in acute angina, seizes the throat, making it impossible to swallow or breathe.

But neither the indignation circulating in the thoughts, nor the permission to finally release the insult, nor the uttering of claims to the husband - do not bring relief. The throat is pressing harder and harder with a sharp, blocking pain.

"You have never, never been there …."

“And“NEVER”is when?” - a question to yourself from somewhere in the field of self-support.

… And right before your eyes a late autumn evening and a huge dark territory of the Zipov hospital emerge, where it is not clear where the entrance is, and where the exit is, where not a single lamp is on, and only the emergency department, like a lighthouse, shines in the darkness. And she, a young mother, alone with a heavy bundle breaking from screaming. Wandering among the trees and tangled asphalt paths, trying to find a way out of this monster hospital. The son, at 8 months old, fell and hit his head on the floor. The ambulance brought them to the zip at night with suspected concussion. The picture was taken and released. And now she wanders with a child, wrapped in a blanket in her puffs, in this vast unlit territory, realizing that she is completely lost and has no idea where to go next. The child is torn apart in his arms, outraged patients, awakened by crying, are screaming from the windows. Tears of despair and resentment cover her face. “His only and beloved man is not around. Now, when he is so needed”.

This pain and resentment has been carried through my whole life. Many years have passed, but it seems that the fingertips still remember the baby camel blanket.

… Ah, here it is - when - "NEVER"!

As soon as this situation emerged in all the details, my throat immediately released. The pain went away like a bird that fluttered from its roost. She flapped her wings and flew away. As it never was.

And for this, quite unexpectedly, the realization came - “But in other cases he was! Definitely was!"

It was he who was with his daughter when she was hospitalized for the only time in her life. It was he who held her all the time in his arms, whispered something in her ear, made laugh and

calmed. And now that she is so badly hurt, he wants to be with her. And not to hang around for an incomprehensible medicine for him.

And in many other cases, he worried no less than ours, even when he was not around …

Everything, the curtain. The gestalt is complete.

15 years have passed between the first and the last case.

**********************

I brought this episode for you from my life. In order to convey, in the intricacies of my own experience, the entire mechanism of encapsulation of resentment, carrying it through life, awareness and liberation.

For several years I have been working with different women as a psychologist and coach. And I meet the same mechanism for holding and cultivating resentment

The mechanism for capsulating resentment is as follows:

• Something happened in the past … The case itself, due to its severity and pain, was pushed out of memory. Or even there was a kind of forgiveness. But the insult remained. As in that joke: "Spoons were found, but the sediment remained."
• This resentment changed the perception of all further actions of a loved one. … Now it doesn't matter what and how he does, let him be there at least a hundred times, the head remains: "He is never there."
• Then in the hearts at the peak of pain and despair a decision was made about revenge, contempt, dislike - something from the category: “Let him understand how hard, painful and lonely it was for me. “Years passed, the situation was forgotten, but once decisions were made - like those Japanese soldiers who were forgotten on one of the islands during the Great Patriotic War and found forty years later - they continue to serve until they are canceled in full form.
• As soon as a situation similar to the first occurs, an explosion of aggression, pain and resentment occurs. And this reaction is noticeably inadequate to what is happening in the present. Surely, you noticed behind yourself - how a dress spoiled by an iron or sneakers thrown by a child in the middle of the hallway suddenly make you mad. And this resentment raises to incredible heights in terms of the degree of internal indignation. "Is your indignation about this situation?"
• Such "candles" of aggression can be endless … Until you see, why are you so angry, you will simply drive aggression. And each time explode with renewed vigor, exhausting yourself and your loved ones.
• Driven inside, encapsulated grievances, very much poison and impoverish our lives … We could live and rejoice, having already agreed on everything a hundred times. But we carry these silent witnesses of the past within us and continue to live according to the decisions we made 15-20-40 years ago.
• Blocked, not manifested aggression, driven inward resentment, unconscious, but constant anxiety is what is the basis of the vast majority of psychosomatic symptoms.
• Very often, the root of problems is the situation with which it all started turns out to be not at all mega-terrible. … It was essential for us then, but now it is just a small event on the timeline. But it's worth trying and seeing it. And pull out this splinter from your soul that has created such a strong inflammation around you.

THE PRINCIPLE OF WITHDRAWAL Grudge:

SEE INTO THE ROOT

“What exactly makes me angry?

For example: A child scattered sneakers in the hallway.

What exactly offends me in this?

The fact that he doesn't hear me, doesn't notice, doesn't respect, doesn't appreciate my concern?

Or that he is very much like me in his slovenliness, and that his sneakers are a constant reminder of my own inconsistency?

Or do I feel that I am not a good enough mother, who has not taught the child to be in order?

It is clear that the last two arguments are self-directed. In the first of them, it is worth accepting your lack of assembly. And if you want to change something, then start changing yourself or together with your child)).

In the latter case, we are also talking about accepting yourself as something different. When this is already an accepted fact, then the "evidence" in the form of sneakers scattered by the child no longer cause feelings of shame.

And in the first case, when scattered shoes are a sign of disrespect, it is worth talking to the child.

Perhaps, having explained once why it is so important for you, and not every day for many years to say - “take your shoes off”.

THE PRINCIPLE OF A LONG LONG LIFE OUT OF OFFENSE:

Look for the grain of resentment, the main complaint.

What exactly is so offensive?

What causes such anger?

What's the worst thing about all this?

Dialog

There are things that can be solved in a dialogue with the “offender”. And if this is possible, then this is the best way.

It is important to formulate and communicate a specific claim. Very often a person does not even suspect that he has managed to offend you with something.

In dialogue, you can get out of your own ideas and hear the other side. And the other side, if she is honest with you and not inclined to blame, will have a completely different opinion on this issue.

And if you yourself do not immediately fall guilty of being unfairly offended by an innocent person, then you will have the opportunity to reconstruct your idea of the situation and find completely new ways of interaction, something that you have not been before.

Dialogue enriches life, makes it alive, makes it possible to meet with the person himself, and not with his image in your head

Transformation in yourself.

There are many cases where dialogue is not possible. And the person may no longer be and the parents who once offended you are old for a long time. These are the cases when you do not have a second party for dialogue, she is no longer able to hear you. And here it is also important to find that basic claim, that splinter that has grown into a lifelong insult.

Having found this reason, perhaps, as in my case, you can immediately see the proof of the opposite, and the splinter that has tormented you for years will fall out by itself.

If it doesn't work out, then for independent work, I recommend Katie Byron's questionnaires. They help you see your situation from different and often completely unexpected sides. And spit it out like a bone stuck in your throat.

The article used the works of Gianluca Citi