2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One reader asked me the question: "but how to understand whether a man was separated from his mother or not?" I will answer. The fact is that if psychological separation occurs in a man, then he ceases to see his mother in his woman, he is somewhat condescending to her in her manifestations of hysteria and can calmly contain her and his emotions. At the same time, he himself becomes less hysterical and affectively charged. And his family life is getting better.
He does not constantly fall into feelings of guilt and does not avoid situations where he could feel him in a relationship with his wife in the first place. He may well stop his woman at the moment when she crosses the line of permissible, which means he has clear boundaries. Actually, this is a man free from codependency. But in order to become such, he first needs to learn how to stop his own mother when she tries to influence his life, his family. He does not let his mother into his own family with her recommendations on how he and his wife should live. He freely, without a sense of guilt, says to his mother a polite "no", "stop" and if she does not hear him and continues to invade his space, he without pain in his soul, guilt and fear that his mother will leave him or die, God forbid, will get out of contact with her. He does not fight with his mother, he builds boundaries with her. He does not discuss his wife or his beloved woman with her, does not allow her to evaluate his woman, he does not try to make friends with his mother and his wife, and can even completely isolate them from each other.
He also does not create a situation for the jealousy of his wife towards his mother, since his mother is now in second place for him. He will help the mother if she really needs help, but will not allow herself to be manipulated and will not replace her husband's mother. He will be able to tell her that he is not her man, but he is her son, so that she does not confuse the roles. On her manipulations, he will clearly answer her "no". Without anger, he will simply say "no", I cannot help you here, dear mother. He will not support his mother if she is not disabled.
He can give her his filial love and gratitude to the extent of his strength and capabilities, and not from the feeling that he owes her something. An indicator of separation from the mother can be the lack of guilt in front of her when you say "no" and "stop" to her.
An adult son from time to time forgets about his mother and this is normal. I am writing this to you as the mother of an adult son. But when in a storm he needs a safe haven, he remembers that such a harbor is his mother's home. Yes, he can remember her even when he feels good, and for example, send her a money order with the words: "I remember you and I love you." But in an adult man, the presence of a mother in his life is significantly reduced in comparison with childhood.
And if the mother continues to manipulate for fear of loss and guilt, reproaches her son that he does not pay due attention to her, then an adult son is more likely to move away from such a mother than to approach her. As a rule, a mother who does not want the separation of her son starts to get very sick when it is time to let her son go free. So she scares him with her death and manipulates unconsciously on guilt and fear. And the son runs to her aid, leaving his family, children, wife … Alas … this is just that very difficult case when a man's chances of becoming an adult are minimal. They are especially zero if the mother does not have a husband. Then the mother symbolically "marries" her son to herself and the energy of the clan is blocked. the children of such a man grow up unhappy. And the wife in such a situation cannot be happy.
And if the mother still managed to convince her son that "mother is sacred," then … you can put a bold cross on the development of such a man. In general, it is best if the separation of a man from his mother occurs in adolescence through a teenage rebellion. And of course, it is best if the boy has a father. Since a woman is not able to raise a man, she does not know a priori how to do it … and therefore traumatizes her child and makes him hysterical or absolutely frostbitten in feelings.
Such a man in his psyche has a splitting of the image of a woman into 2: the image of the "Blessed Virgin Mary" (which they pray to and do not have sex with such a deity) and the "prostitute" (with whom they have sex but do not respect and do not choose to create a family) …
An unseparated man, as a rule, cannot remain without a woman for a long time, he is inclined to immediately replace lost love with someone, something.. he tends to walk and have mistresses or otherwise becomes obsessed with sexual desire for his wife and may be in this quite intrusive. In general, such a man is polar and ambivalent and split along the "love-hate" axis. It shakes easily from one pole to the other like a small boat in a storm.
This is how I see it. Sad.((
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