Love Cards

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Remember the endings of fairy tales: "They lived happily ever after and died on the same day"? Do you want so? I propose a small experiment to explore your needs for a couple using the "Love Card".

Do you know what a "Love Card" is? This is the image of a potential partner whom you can fall in love with or are already in love with. Each person has such a "map" in his unconscious. And these maps, like maps of a city or area, lead us to our destination - relationships. As the saying goes, to "live happily ever after and die in one day."

Personal "love cards" begin to take shape in early childhood, when we are shaped by the environment and undergo a variety of tests that affect our feelings, thoughts and behavior. Childhood is a terribly serious business!

Further, our "cards" are improved and complicated with the emergence of likes and dislikes during school years, first loves and youthful novels. Based on the experience of mistakes, victories and tragedies, our psychological scenarios for building personal relationships are formed.

They accompany us through life, having a tremendous influence on the choice of a partner and the quality of building personal relationships.

There are many theories trying to explain the choice of mate.

Some psychologists suggest that we tend to choose partners who are similar to parents, with whom we have not clarified or completed problems from childhood. Or we choose a person for the relationship, which is absolutely opposite to the parental figure.

Other psychologists point out that we are most often attracted to partners who have experienced childhood traumas similar to ours and, therefore, are stuck at the same stage of development in a relational sense as we are. This type of love is called "complementary pathology", which means being attracted to areas of similar traumatic experience. More often than not, the mind is powerless to influence these relationships, because some inexplicable force pushes us into an embrace with another person. Feelings flare up instantly, and chemistry in this case is stronger than rational reasoning, which calls for "to take up the mind."

Relationships with such people allow you to recreate childhood traumatic experiences and to complete what is left unfinished so that you can no longer get into similar situations.

Third experts say: "Tell me who you love - and I will tell you who you are not yet, or rather, who you would like to be." And this also has its own truth. We often fall in love with those who have missing qualities or talents. If you see this in another person, then you have these qualities too. Only for some reason these qualities could not develop in you. When you meet such a person, you grow up next to him and learn to reveal your talents. I remember the words of George Washington, written by him back in 1795: "A lot of flammable material is woven into the structure of the human personality, and although this part can doze for a while … but if you bring a torch to it, what is hidden inside you will immediately burst into a burning flame … ". Falling in love is the flame that ignites and creates us.

And, perhaps, when you acquire and develop abilities or skills in yourself, you will stop loving your partner if he does not grow with you and change. As they say, for what you fell in love with your partner, because of this you will part with him. For example, if you fall in love with a person who is prone to strong and risky actions, then in the end you may get tired of his pressure and passion for adventure. And you may even suffer from violence from him.

It is one thing when we are aware of our "cards" and quite another if everything proceeds at an unconscious level. This complicates the process of forming wisdom, and you can step on the same "rake" for a long time.

Awareness will be helped by creating your personal "Love Card". There is an algorithm.

Write a detailed portrait of your ideal partner, taking into account the following parameters:

1. His physical data (appearance, age, temperament) and material well-being;

2. Emotionality. How he shows and accepts emotions, how much you can communicate with him on a "heart" level, how close you can be to each other;

3. Intelligence. Write the areas of expertise and interests that you want your partner to possess;

4. Social status (shoulder straps, titles, occupation, car brand, etc.), if this is important to you;

5. Spiritual (values, philosophy of life, vision of the future).

Write a portrait ("Love card") and see who this portrait reminds you of, what feelings it evokes, and maybe memories. Which of the above hypotheses does this portrait correspond to: ending a relationship with someone from your family or other people from the past, reliving a traumatic experience, or the opportunity to reveal some qualities and talents in yourself. Or maybe you will consider something else.

And if you are the kind of person who finds it very difficult to fall in love, then there are ways to help this. When you meet someone who matches your love chart, try to open your hearts to each other and find fun things you can do together. As you spend time together, you will get to know and improve different aspects of yourself and the other, which can lead to feelings of love.

There are studies showing that passion often flares up during stressful situations. There are dating agencies that some people know about this, so they organize dates during extreme travel (crossing the canyon suspension bridge, or spending time together on quests).

If you have a relationship, you can do some analysis of how comfortable you are with the relationship physically, materially, emotionally, intellectually, status and spiritually. Of course, you will find strengths and those that do not satisfy you enough.

Let your partner write a similar "map" for you, how satisfied he is with the above needs. You can discuss with your partner and jointly look for opportunities to fill or grow the missing. For example, if you are not interested enough with a partner, then look for areas of knowledge that interest both of you or create a circle of friends where you can gain knowledge (as examples: enter the scientific community, enroll in a study, or write a textbook on a topic that interests you).

There is one "but": all needs can be developed in relationships, except spirituality. This aspect can change as you go through major trials. “It is a mistake to think that love grows out of long-term friendship and persistent courtship. Love is the fruit of spiritual intimacy, and if intimacy does not arise in a second, it will not arise in years or generations. “- Gibran Khalil Gibran. If your values and philosophy of life do not coincide, then it is difficult to change anything here. Maybe not worth it. Just accept it as it is. And then something will change in the best way for you. The main thing is not to despair!

Of course, you can analyze your "map" with the help of a specialist in a better quality. But in any case, this experiment will help you get to know yourself better. A legalized portrait of your dream partner is of great importance in how you are developing now and how your relationship will be shaped in the future. For success in any business project, it is important to see the goal you are striving for, in the same way, visualization and awareness are important in building relationships in a couple and family.

Personal relationships are also a project that requires painstaking everyday work and a desire to create them. You are ready?

Elena Zozulya (Olena Zozulya)

gestalt therapist, coach