House Of Cards

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

chapter from I. Mlodik's book "House of Cards"

I will give examples of possible confrontation ?, based on the radicals. I hope you understand the conventionality of these examples, because neither you nor I will meet with "pure" radicals. Fortunately, real people are much more versatile than any model. But models, by simplifying, sometimes help to structure and understand something.

Psychopath

He believes that if there is power over someone, then there is security, and love, and pleasure. He reacts to disagreements with anger, a desire to impose his point of view, subjugate, suppress, intimidate. Your disagreements with him are a threat to break out of disobedience (it seemed to him that you were completely obeying). In response - suppression, intimidation. The transfer of responsibility is always to someone else.

We confront: with his desire to punish everyone, restrain, humiliate, control; with an idea? externality and with his illusion ?: when there is unlimited power and obedience, he will be safe.

We teach: to feel your needs (others, not only imperious ones), to deal with your fear, to recognize it, to support and protect yourself, to respect, including boundaries, to use force and aggression to create and advance, and not to suppress others. We continue to teach you to trust and trust.

We broadcast (by broadcasts, I do not mean the exact words that I offer in response to the client's remarks, but messages that can be formulated, clothed in individual words, based on your unique contact):

What the hell are you talking about? (You are angry that I am not saying what you would like to hear, but you came to me and pay me money as an expert in a certain? Area, and my expert opinion is …)

All people (my employees, my wife and yourself) are idiots and do whatever they want! (Does everyone, including myself, act on the basis of their own considerations?

Only I know what's best, they don't have any considerations ?! (It can be scary that the world is out of your control, and someone can become stronger than you, and what was in your family will be reproduced again, so you would like to be stronger and more powerful than all of them, you would like to they obeyed.)

I pay you money and demand that you do as I said. (Here I am the owner of the office, and here are my rules. You will have to accept them and trust me. If you find it difficult to trust me, let’s talk about this.)

Why should I obey your rules? (Are you free and can always go if you don’t agree? My rules are not necessary. You don’t have to take them joyfully. As a child, you had nowhere to go, you couldn’t go?

Around one continuous disgusting and misunderstanding … (You do not like what is happening around. You cannot immediately change the whole world, but you can influence what surrounds you, do what you think is necessary.)

If I could, this is where I already have them, and you with them. (I am not against you, I am for myself, for our process, for being useful and effective for you, and I have enough strength, conviction and skill? To do this.)

Narcissus

Will want to convince us to keep looking for the “perfect” self and the other. He is convinced that ideality exists and that it is worth investing in finding it. He reacts to differences with toxic, poisoning either himself or those around him by comparison. Devaluation is still a favorite salvation from being recognized as valuable.

At this stage, we are already confronting: with his desire to devalue himself and you, with the idea? “Only the result is important” (we are showing more and more the beauty of the process), with an idea? “When I have achieved everything, I will be happy” (unlikely, if I don’t learn to appreciate what I have achieved), that little things are not important (which includes feelings, body, events, etc.), with the statement that he is empty inside. In fact, he just still devalues everything that he finds inside himself. And he finds simplicity and commonness, which he cannot yet accept, but wants to find something unique and great. But even the uniqueness found there will be devalued if it is small.

We teach: focus on yourself, recognize yourself and others, not devalue small, barely audible desires and needs, appropriate small and large achievements, be in the present, notice yourself and people?

We broadcast:

What can you or your whole psychology do? So I read it from a tough guy … (I understand that you are used to comparing and devaluing everyone, but I'm good enough, even if I'm not ideal for you.)

Are you past me? once did not understand at all! This is not the case at all! (I allow myself to make mistakes, and this does not detract from my professionalism, because I consider mistakes to be a part of any living process and I know how to deal with them.)

What kind of car do you have? (I don’t drive a BMW, I walk and don’t feel like a person unworthy of a good relationship.)

Until you have created anything great, you are nobody and nobody needs you. (Yes, ambition is important, but not more important than the people themselves. Yes, the results are important, but the process is also valuable.)

It torments me that she is not like that (am I not like that?), Well, you can be a little (smarter, more fun, fitter, more active, etc.) (You can achieve perfection in the inanimate, all living things are good enough by definition and ideal it cannot be, except that it is very subjective and short-lived.)

I told you, as soon as I failed the project, no one needed everything, everyone disappeared somewhere. (Yes, your childhood feeling: they will love you only if you achieve something. But many are ready to love you simply if you can believe in their such uncomplicated and simple love.)

Hysteroid-demonstrative?

He does everything so that the world continues to revolve around him, and if not around him, then it is not interesting. He must charm you and constantly hold his eternal attraction. You must always be touched or admired by him, otherwise he reacts with drama ?, manipulations, affects, depending on the circumstances.

Confronted: with the idea ?, what is the main thing - find someone right and good, who? Will he save me, explain everything, put it on the shelves, with an illusion? Strength endured? outside to be seduced.

We teach: see, feel, discover and appropriate your own strength, depth, structure, content, and not just form. Not to seem, but to be, to show yourself, your essence, and not to play, pretend. Appreciate yourself for everything, not just your appearance and beautiful body.

We broadcast:

Why didn't you answer the five messages I sent you last night? (I believed you would be able to deal with your feelings, make it through the morning, and bring it all to therapy.)

Let's meet at least once not in this strange office, but in a cafe. (Yes, you would probably feel better in a cafe, but my position as a therapist does not allow this, and besides, I will then be less effective as a therapist.)

I want you to visit my exhibition, performance, etc., I want to know your opinion about my work. (I congratulate you, but I cannot sing with you, and as a therapist it is more important for me to know how you feel about your success.) (Leaving) - I did not remember anything, what do I need to remember? (Everything that your psyche needs, you have heard and remembered.)

I can't survive without you! Why do you have such? long? vacation! (You can survive while I'm on vacation, even though it's worrisome for you, but you can deal with your problems, you have experience, you somehow did it before me.)

Dissociative?

Will prove that he is very "alive" and that there is no sense in the split off, that his way of living is the same? natural? and the best ?. He reacts to differences, disagreements either with insensibility, or with a sudden unpredictable affect, from which he then feels guilty.

Confronted: with the desire to close our eyes for a long time to split-off feelings and experiences, with the placement of our own in us? projections, with the need for us to play along with their knowledge? parts and did not touch the other. With their reluctance to see themselves as "rapists", "addicts" or "crazy" from their childhood, which they, at least in part, were forced to become. With the thought that they could do something so that in childhood what happened (violence, illness, etc.) did not happen. With an idea? actually? guilt and shame for what happened.

We teach: to notice oneself and others, to experience, to acknowledge one's split and polarity, to cherish the connection, to expand oneself and the world (not to see it one-sidedly), to see one's loved ones in a volumetric and real way, integrated. Recognize your helplessness and inability to cope in your childhood in any other way. Show self-compassion instead of shame and blame. Acceptance of those parts? That the parent has?

We broadcast:

My father often beat my mother, but that's okay, I quickly ceased to be afraid of this, I just went to my room and barricaded the door. (You were probably very scared, and for many years in a row experienced terrible? Stress.) Tells one by one? horrible humiliating stories from his childhood - "well, it's nothing to remember the old." (It is clear that you do not want to stir up all those unpleasant feelings buried under the strong? Slabs? Of your insensibility.)

Yes, I was wonderful? father, he loved me very much, kissed me hard on the lips, hugged and scared all my boyfriends away. (This is called incestuous behavior. It's hard to love your father and loathe what he does to you at the same time.)

It was so terrible that I could not do anything about it, it was as if I was paralyzed. (Yes, you were a child and you didn't have the strength and power to confront an adult abuser, especially if it's your parent.)

Yes, but he's good? (It is difficult for you to be angry with your abuser and you turn the aggression on yourself, but this is his fault and his responsibility for what he did, you have the right to be angry with him.)

Schizoid?

He can be convinced for a long time of the hostile intentions of the world in general and yours in particular, including in relation to it. He, of course, will consider himself smarter than you and inside bitterly complain about your stupidity and inability to understand him. And, of course, this is not how you conduct therapy.

Confronted: with his unwillingness to see and admit his rage and fear, with the desire to keep his own? spasm, even bodily?, as a way to control the "entry" into the body, with its unwillingness and inability to take on the search for their place and their rights, which are possible only after appropriation of their own? rage and their feelings, affects. With a reluctance to change the saving "not life" for life, to come into contact with us and the world.

We teach: feel yourself, your feelings, the body, notice the other opposite, check the world for hostility, appropriate your anger, defend yourself in active contact, and not avoidance. To show that the world is not arranged the way in his head, his fantasies, gradually leading to the fact that this arrangement of the world may not threaten him.

We broadcast:

I understand everything myself. (Understanding is beautiful, but sometimes it is important to feel and live something.) - I have no feelings. (You have learned to control and suppress them, but this does not mean that they are not there, you just find it difficult to feel them.)

What's the matter with me? Sei? the hour is happening, it doesn't matter at all. (Everything that you feel is important to me, the smallest signals from your body, and not just what you think.)

The world is hostile and threatening. (Is the world different ?, sometimes it is threatening, and sometimes there may be someone in it to help you.)

I am used to relying only on myself, I do not need someone's help. (This is a great skill, but you can get very tired of it, and sometimes you just don't have the strength or don't know how.)

You are not happy with me, you are already being loaded. (In your environment, you were probably not usually happy, but I am glad, and besides, I do not feel that you are burdening me, I wonder.)

As soon as it becomes difficult for you with me ?, you kick me out and take someone easier and nicer. (It is not, this place is yours.)

Oral addicted?

Lives in service to the world and passively waiting for the giver to appear? figures, rewards, "feeding" for the service.

Confronting: with passive-aggressive and auto-aggressive behavior, with illusions of expectation (I won't do it myself - someone will appear anyway and everything will somehow change), with an idea? abandoning his own needs ?, with his excellent skill to wait and hope for another, with manipulative behavior, expectations directed at others, and resentment instead of contact? aggression

We teach: to endure the frustration of satisfying needs? without giving up them; lean on yourself, ask openly and clearly; move from passive? to active? position and contact expression of feelings.

We broadcast:

Have someone do it for me.(While you find it hard to believe, but you can do it yourself.)

If so, I don't want anything now. (This is unlikely, you just find it difficult to get over the fact that you cannot get exactly what you want, and as much as you want.)

My relatives, friends and you should always be there and support me, otherwise you are not close. (People cannot and should not be in constant access for you, they still have their own lives, and you can try at least sometimes to cope on your own.)

If I already have close ones?, Then I hold him with all my might. (Not surprisingly, he quickly starts wanting to run away; you don't believe that letting go makes you stronger and freer because you provide a choice.)

Only others? can give me warmth and love. (You are able to become a loving other for yourself, accept yourself, provide yourself with support if there is no loved one nearby.)

Waiting is a good strategy. (While you wait, you are not living, waiting is taking your life outright? - an hour, and all your strength is spent on hope, and not on building what you want.)

Masochistic?

Addicted? endure erecting? is it in dignity, identifying? patience and self-sacrifice with the ability to be human without denoting? their boundaries to others and from this all doing? his sadists, forcing him to suffer and endure.

Confronting: with an idea? about the subsequent retribution for suffering, with manipulative expectations of caring for him, with his passive? aggressive? position ?, with self-punishment and self-imposition, with his morality - the expectation that everyone around should also be the same ("all for the sake of others"), with an illusion? his moral superiority for suffering and patience, with his "accurate" knowledge of who is good and who is bad ?.

We teach: to see our “sadist” placed inside, to directly manifest oneself and take care of oneself, master “I need”, protect our borders and property, return will, focus it on living for ourselves, the possibility of receiving other, besides pain, pleasure ?.

We broadcast:

I have to take care of my loved ones. (Of course, this is important, but who will take care of you?)

Pleasure is dangerous and will be punished for it. (Pleasure is natural, biologically, and psychologically justified.)

If I am good, I will not bother anyone and ask for anything, then everyone will love me and will be grateful. (You will be overlooked and your contribution will be taken for granted.)

If I constantly deprive myself of something and suffer a little, there will be a reward for me. (You will have illness and possibly early death, but you will feel good, you will feel proud.)

Am I very kind ?, I help everyone. (Did they ask you this? Or are you doing it for yourself to feel better?)

Controlling?

Struggling with chaos, distrusting? around and the world, inclined? to catastrophic expectations, excessively and often ineffectively invested in the prevention of everything that can happen without living? in the present, overcrowded? anxious ?.

Confronted: with the illusion? That without control, a catastrophe is inevitable; that everyone, including him, needs to experience the total? shame for imperfection because it is dangerous; with the system? punishment? and fix? inside and outside; with an illusion? that controlling another is a blessing for him; with the idea? that everything can be foreseen if you prepare well; with the very way to live, always preparing for something bad.

We teach: trust yourself and the other, appropriate and use your resources and limitations, as well as see the resources of others, see how he and others can cope, even if something sudden happened, and master the ability to cope, exercise actual power instead of control; we return the focus to ourselves, we return the right to act and react.

We broadcast:

I have to control everyone. (Although this relieves your anxiety, it is very tiring, and besides, you still cannot control everything, no matter how much you want it.)

If I don’t think it over, I don’t control it, then an irreversible catastrophe will happen. (The unpredictability is so unbearable for you, but sometimes it’s impossible to foresee everything, even for you.)

But I can prepare by thinking it over. (If you do not spend energy on thinking and predicting, then you will have to act according to the circumstances, in accordance with the situation?; Apparently, this is very scary for you, but often more effective.)

Without my participation, the husband and child will immediately slide into the abyss. (Well, maybe they will make a couple of mistakes, but they will quickly learn from them, it is possible that they will cope well without you, but perhaps this is not such good news for you.)

Give me some homework, I have to correct myself more effectively. (Okay, I will, since you are so anxious without this. But let's also learn to trust your psyche, which works, even if you do not control it.)

Why do I come here if I will not change? (You will, but not according to the plan written by you or me?)

So what do you think there is no need to control anything and anyone? (No, why, it's just that sometimes you can exercise power instead of constant control. Control is a strong anticipation and an attempt to control the world, which does not always want to be controlled by you, and power is your way of acting?)

The words "teach" and "broadcast" in this text do not imply a cancellation of the client's subjectivity, they are only a slight expansion of his world beyond the usual. Is this the very "and … And …" that we offer him, and at the stage of confrontation everything is more direct, as a part of reality, which also exists, although it does not cancel it subjectively? reality.

So, gradually we move to the “we are together” situation, which at first is especially difficult for the borderline client to perceive and use in order to expand their ideas, since for many of them it is important at first to hold tight to their vision. Only gradually can he accept: “There is your reality, there is mine, and many others. You have to live in this somehow."

The recognition by the "border guard" that therapy is done together is a huge milestone on our way. This is, in fact, a transition from mistrust and checks, from "I will tell you and spread everything myself for an hour, and you will sit here …" or "Well, I have come, treat me already …" to "what you say, contributes to my awareness of what is happening, making amendments, expands my understanding of myself. " To the feeling of co-creation, process, mutual? involvement in the process of unfolding the "living carpet" of the client in front of our eyes, the creation of his present? being? ness, in which? we are increasingly assigned the role of a trusted witness and caretaker.