About Psychological Boundaries. We Train On Cats

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This article is the result of reflections after the consultation, which gave birth to a number of allegories and a desire to share thoughts in my head.

And they are for what reason - how to define their psychological boundaries.

I propose to talk about this today. Not just talk, but also practice … on cats. More precisely, using the example of a specific cat - my pet Sonya.

You will very soon understand why I chose her as an illustrative example.

I have always dreamed of a cat in the house. You know, one to crush under the barrel, to take to bed with you, listen to her sweet rumbling, fall asleep under it.

Instead of all this, Sonya appeared in our family.

Sonya is also a cat, a British breed, but which is the complete opposite of the one I dreamed of. I remember when I bought it, I didn't really have to choose, since the kitten was left alone. I asked the seller if the kitty was smart, to which he replied that, of course, she didn’t read books, but she was smart and calm.

As soon as Sonya entered the house, she disappeared under the sofa for a day. Apparently during this period she was thinking about the rules of life in a new house. A day later, a fluffy lump appeared in the eyes with clearly formed rules of behavior in relation to oneself. Gradually, they were supplemented, expanded and, as a result, a set of norms and rules appeared that still live today.

So, the rules of Sonya's life.

1. You can't take it in your arms. Despite the fact that there are two children in the house, Sonya has her own opinion on this matter. As soon as someone picks her up, she emits a warning roar, and then the hiss of a tigress follows.
2. If Sonya needs affection, she comes up to her feet and rubs. This means you have to bend over and scratch your back. At this moment, the cat can purr, purr, bend, put its head to the hand, but for a very short time and dosed. As soon as the affection is enough, Sonya moves away.
3. Sonya never screams for food. She silently sits down near her toe and waits for someone to put her food. If, for some reason, people do not understand her, she knocks her paw on the leg of someone who ignores her expectation. If there is no further reaction, Sonya blocks the path and, in order to go through the kitchen, you need to go around her. At this moment, she once again hits her leg with her paw and lets out a scream.

Those. it has a number of preventive measures and the last one is compulsory. As they say, for those in the tank. Sonya does not wait for someone to guess or deign to feed her, she goes straight to defending her rights to food.

1. If Sonya does not remove the tray where she goes to the toilet, then she does all her “great” deeds at the front door so that it would be impossible not to enter into this “greatness”. And then the poor fellow who entered, with indignation, will first remove what he "got himself into", and then he will clean the tray.
2. Sonya doesn't like guests. She does not make this a problem for others, but simply disappears from the field of view. Sometimes our guests are surprised when we say that there is a cat in the house.
3. Sonya always meets us at the door. She moves back a short distance, stretches out on the floor and begins to swing from side to side, demonstrating her feline beauty. At the same time, it is imperative to say that Sonya is a beautiful cat. As soon as the compliments end, Sonya goes about her business. So she doses her presence in the space of others.

These are its most basic rules. On the little things, there are still many different features that make our Sonya stand out. On the one hand, she does nothing that violates the rights of others, on the other hand, she clearly marked her place in the house.

Like a cat, calmly and without unnecessary movements, she returns everyone within the established boundaries. All her aggressiveness manifests itself as a forced measure where we ourselves forget about the obligations we have assumed in relation to her (feeding, care). When we tell other people about Sonya, they jokingly advise to kick her out and take a "normal" cat, to which we reply with bewilderment that no one else is needed.

When it comes to psychological boundaries in working with clients, I always say that border protection is our task, not the task of a partner. Protecting psychological boundaries is not about words, but concrete actions aimed at defining the rules for dealing with oneself. If clients ask me to explain this work with an example, I tell them about Sonya and her rules.

Separately, it should be emphasized that there are two boys in the house who from time to time make attempts to take the cat in their arms, play with it, but Sonya has a short conversation: growls and hiss quickly stop their desire to conduct experiments on this score. No one complains or protests, bargains or blames. There is just what it is. No point. And this "no" is indicated by Sonya herself. She doesn't even need to talk about it: decisive action - and the attempt is stopped immediately.

The most valuable life hack from Sonya: respect and love for oneself are the basis of others' respect and love for us. In another order, this rule does not work, moreover, the less we feel the boundaries of what is permitted in relation to ourselves, the worse we will feel the boundaries of others.

We each have our own set of values and beliefs that distinguish us from others. It is naive to believe that love endows us with superpowers to divine the thoughts and desires of others. Expecting telepathic abilities from your partner and the fact that he will mirror our expectations about how to treat us is immaturity and irresponsibility.

And if the partner does not reflect, or does not reflect the way we want?

All conditions are created for neurotic anxiety, which is impossible to withstand on your own. And then you need to even more shift the responsibility for your condition onto someone else, blame and demand. And even more need support and recognition.

It is noticed that no matter what problem a person comes to me, sooner or later he is faced with the need to determine the boundaries of what is permissible in relation to himself, to designate them both for himself and for others. Step by step, a person returns to himself, to the source of the Power within, feels the value of this.

“I” is not the last letter in the alphabet, but the center of control of your life.

You no longer need to look for yourself in the eyes of others.

In this understanding, a person takes more responsibility, does not shift blame, is functional both in interactions with others, and is a support for himself.

In this understanding, a person boldly speaks on various topics, without increasing personal anxiety, slowly changes his own style of interaction and discovers the world of another. Such work is possible subject to the internal permission to live your own life, the willingness to withstand disapproval from others, to overcome the forces of emotional fusion that oppose this.

A person with understandable psychological boundaries has a panoramic view of events and realizes that there are also other people around him and their own system of perception of reality.

This is a big, interesting and amazing job. Work to create your life.