One Cannot Endure To Say, Or Again About The Boundaries

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The husband constantly takes your favorite washcloth and washes anything with it.

A colleague drinks a stinky Pickwick from your china cup without asking.

Sister periodically dives into your closet and goes on a date in your new skirt and returns it in suspicious spots.

Mom climbs with advice and morality in your personal life.

The neighbor tries to hug you "like a neighbor" and slobber with his eyes.

In a word, here it is, on the face. Violation of boundaries. Your psychological boundaries.

How does it happen and what to do with it? This is what today's article is about)

Everyone has different boundaries, and first of all, you need to realize your own. In order not to allow them to be violated.

And watch them from others. In order not to violate other people's boundaries.

After all, they often cannot say NO to us, and they endure with clenched teeth.

But do you want to improve your relationship, or at least know what they hate you for?

Types of borders and their violations

1. Physical boundaries - skin and everything inside, if you understand what I mean))) The child is aware of them first as he develops.

Violation - any unauthorized touching, physical, sexual abuse.

2. Personal boundaries - this is perhaps the main border. The child is formed during the period "I myself!"

This is exactly what I do, I am responsible for my actions, I think, I feel, I wish. Values, needs, behavior.

Violation - any criticism, devaluation, unsolicited advice, insult, projection.

3. Spatial boundaries - communication distance, personal space in the form of your room, favorite chair. Closed door to the room.

It is a violation to enter a room without knocking, for example. Do you remember Sheldon and his favorite place?)))

4. The boundaries of law - not really about laws)) It's about property, personal belongings, territory. That is, it is a violation to take advantage of what does not rightfully belong to you. Take someone else's comb, get into someone else's house. Touch someone else's wife)))

5. Emotional boundaries - I have the right to feel any feelings, they are mine.

Violation - a ban on the feelings of "don't cry", "it doesn't hurt at all", ridicule of other people's feelings, devaluation like "forget it, it's okay" when you have a hysteria or real depression.

6. TIME BOUNDARIES - time frames, agreements, terms. Violation - being late, empty talk, staying at a party until late. Waste of someone else's time.

All these types of violations are intertwined and sometimes several violations can be viewed at once in one act or event.

For example, guests pinned down … that is, they came without warning (temporal, spatial), thereby disrupting all your plans.

They eat your food and drink your drinks, and get them out of the cupboard themselves (legal).

They fill your ears with fables about the crisis and whine like everything is bad in life (personal, emotional).

After getting drunk, they climb to hug (physical).

Advise you how to live and who to sleep with (personal).

And then they also ask for money on credit! (here, perhaps, all violations taken together).

And you stand like a puppet, manipulated to all places, and endure, you can not say anything, relatives. Refusing can not offend..

Yes, border violations are often manipulative in nature.

But for many, this is just the norm. Your guests don't know that you had plans, that it was planned to open red fish and wine for the holiday, and you have the last money, and you don't want to hear about the crisis, and you haven't had sex for a long time, but they are about getting married.

It hurts.

This is the norm for them. It's a violation for you. How can they find out about it ???

A sensitive, empathic person, bitten by psychologists, can understand that he is violating boundaries purely through non-verbal manifestations. And he might even stop doing it. But let's discard this 1% as a statistical error and still learn to mark and defend our boundaries !!!

So, ways to defend your boundaries

Print it out, learn it, rehearse on cats. The method is essno chosen according to the situation, and if you give it to the scoreboard simply for being asked when you will get married, then this is an inadequate reaction and a serious violation on your part.

1. Hard NO, possibly by force - in the case of physical actions themselves. When they crawl under your skirt there is no time for scuffling and negotiations.

Send far and long, hard to put a person in his place.

2. Shocking … Strengthening the reaction, action to the point of absurdity.

Here I see the face of Nicolas Cage from a popular meme - for artistic natures. "Give me a loan" - "Yes, what kind of debt is there, I'm putting my last cowards on Avito today, what are you talking about!"

3. Arrangement. Compromise … Fu, how boring. This is for adults who are ready for dialogue. "If you need my things, ask in advance and we will agree, but do not take them without asking."

4. Mirroring. The same violation of boundaries in the same way on your part. They take your things - you take their things emphatically. They climb up with stupid questions - you ask stupid questions too. “When to get married? It would be high time already "-" When will you get divorced? It's time already"

5. Written Rule Setting … Warning, announcement, sign. Well, let's say, put up a notice in the office - “Dear office planktonins. Whoever brought what cup is the one who drinks. If we don't have our own cup, we pour hot tea straight into our open mouth.

6. Action, deed, action. They go into the room - hang up the lock. Being late - refuse to meet.

7. Exit, contact interruption … Turn around and leave, hang up, ban.

8. Sanction warning "If you continue to take my washcloth, I will have to sprinkle it with pepper on the sly." It is important to implement the sanctions if the action continues.

9. Eco-friendly lying to the rescue - you can not refuse directly - come up with an excuse.

10. Share responsibility and take it upon yourself - give unsolicited advice - "Thank you for taking care of me, but I will deal with this problem on my own."

11. Reporting the fact and your feelings about it … With the help of "I am the statement". The topic is a separate huge article, but as an example: “You took my cup without asking for the third time in a week. It annoys me when my things are taken without asking. And henceforth I ask you not to do this."

12. You will probably find your own in the stash personal example or method)) Write it in the comments to the article!

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So, explore your boundaries. Don't be afraid to label them. Who if not you?

If you feel a violation - do not be silent, report it immediately. Otherwise, when it is already boiling inside, your actions and sanctions will turn out to be inadequate. To endure for years and so explode? Instead of saying that some action is not pleasant to you.

And yes. Don't break your children's boundaries. Let's talk about this again. After all, most of us have problems with borders precisely because they were erased, broken, burned and devalued in childhood. And, by the way, until you learn to designate and defend them, they will continue to play with you like this all your life.

Well, where do you put the comma

Say can't be tolerated