A Life That Was Not Meant For Me

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What can I personally do? What does the life I can live like look like? What is my measure of well-being and happiness? What is my “share” and what is “written to me”?

And the most important thing is the Price. What will I have to pay if I suddenly dare to go beyond the boundaries of what is permitted.

Everything that happens to us is the result of our choice. not the powers of heaven, but our own choice and the boundaries of this choice determine our destiny

In small things and in large things, we choose based on what is in our picture of the world and what we can choose from all of this.

“Once the king of beasts issued a decree that every animal must come to him at the appointed time in order to become a dinner for the lion. The wolf walks everyone on a piece of paper - who will come on what day of the week. I got to the hare: “Hare, your day is Friday! Understood?" "Understood! Is it possible not to come? " "Can. So, cross out the hare …"

Is it okay too?

We do not notice many of the opportunities offered by the world, because they simply do not exist for us. For some there is, but for us - no. Therefore, other people's success stories have an educational healing effect - they show that "this is also possible." Someone allows themselves to live a life that I don't even have in my picture of the world. Thus, people expand our understanding of the possible, and we can at least look in the other direction, outside our corridor.

Well, okay, we dreamed and that's enough.

Most dreams remain where they should be - in fantasies and dreams, since someone, of course, can do that, but definitely not me. This kind of life is not for me.

A child who dreams of an expensive bike knows that he will never get it - there is no such money in his family. “Dreaming is not harmful,” says mom, wiping her hands on her apron. At least dream about it! You can dream, you cannot have.

A kid who often has a sore throat knows that no matter how tasty and desirable the ice cream is, he can't. Everyone can, but he can't.

Unspecified, but clear boundaries of “what is possible for me” determine the boundaries of choice in actions, in actions - where a person lets himself

And how can I …?

Can you ask to turn off the air conditioner if it's blowing, rearrange the chair, choose the best place? You can refuse if you don't like it, or you need to eat, what do they give? Can you express your opinion or do you need to obey the authorities unquestioningly?

Is it possible to want and have what my parents do not have and never had? Is it possible to do what no one in our family has done before?

It would seem, of course, - to grow, develop and get everything you want for the joy of yourself and your family.

Oh no!

the covenants of the family and the accepted, customary way of life have not been canceled

A young couple with a large plot of land plants it with potatoes every year. They dig, strain, most of the harvest is lost, but they cannot deny themselves this annual program, because "the land must not be empty." To plant everything with lawn grass, they cannot - "this is not accepted by people." Someone, of course, can, but not them. Such a life is not for them.

And there are no longer living parents - those who could scold, force, convince to plant these potatoes. Yes, and it is not necessary. Mom and Dad - they are not near, but in the head.

We all came out of our family. From generation to generation, our family, like a river paved its course, it determined its banks and the direction of movement - what to strive for and what to want, how many children and when to give birth, what education to get, what wealth to have, what is accepted and what is not … How people belonging to our family and our family live.

Every cricket know your six.

The boundaries of what is permissible for each family are different. Someone can lead the army, and someone becomes a gene. the director of a large company feels out of place. "The shirt is not sewn for me.."; “There are better candidates for this place”; "Something I swung hard, as if not to tear the navel."“The biggest thing I should have dreamed about is a rented apartment in Chelyabinsk, and an inexpensive foreign car on credit, and I just swung it!”

Didn't live richly and have nothing to start.

And a person feels unworthy of such a life, as if this is not his life. He has no right to be here, not by rank, not by status, not by birthright. He was not from there and there was no “such” in their family. Therefore, he builds his life as if he were just a guest at this celebration of life - he unconsciously tries not to linger in periods of well-being for a long time, as if there is a norm of happiness and wealth, measured personally to him, and it is absolutely impossible to cross it.

Know your place. Do not stick your head out, This is not for us …

For several generations, members of many Russian families have survived thanks to their ability to be content with little and not stick out. This survival strategy was adequate to the country's policy. The entire system was geared towards rooting out dissent and keeping the people in line. To show initiative and vigorous activity was not something that was not accepted, but deadly. At any moment, a person could be in the wrong of the law - a "traitor" and "enemy of the people." Every family has a memory of difficult, traumatic events that family members have gone through, and of what happens to those who dare even think differently. And even if these events were never spoken aloud, the memory of them as a testament to the future is stored in the unconscious of the family system. Each member of the family “spinal cord” feels what happens to those who dare to go beyond what is permitted.

Be faithful to your family's covenants.

staying faithful to the family means unconsciously or consciously making the same choices as grandmother and mother, grandfather and father

…”Choose a kind, flexible guy as your husband. Be the head of the family and pull your husband and children yourself, as I did."

…”Find a person to give birth to children from him, but to live with him was impossible. And stay yourself with two children proud and self-sufficient, like all the women in our family."

…”Find yourself a woman as a punishment to suffer as I do. And don't try to be happy with her!"

… "Choose a disease for yourself, the same as I chose, then you will prove that you are really my daughter."

…”Serve people. Sacrifice all of yourself. And then maybe you will reach our greatness with my father. Maybe then we can accept you as a worthy continuation of our kind."

daring to go beyond the family's picture of the world is like going into outer space

Fly out of the home universe, where no one has stepped before you. Become a pioneer. And thereby expand opportunities for your entire family. From that moment on, they will also be “allowed”.)

but courage does not pass without a trace - you have to pay for the right to live a different life

The payment for happiness.

In a country where 8 million people died of hunger and 26 million did not return from the war, it is not customary to show your happiness.

Each family history has its own traces of these huge tragedies. Most of those who survived were indebted to those who died or died of hunger. And this debt can be paid only with your life. Giving myself bit by bit, like doing one operation after another, like my own grandmother did.

often joy, happiness, tenderness, affection for ordinary things, and maybe well-being and prosperity are prohibited in the family

The roots of this prohibition lie in family history. And in every family they are different.

Anyone who violates this prohibition voluntarily, but unconsciously, can pay not only for happiness, but even for thoughts about it.

In some families, it is customary to pay with your own body.

“Every year, since my 20s, I could not go through a single holiday in order not to get sick. When the children were born, as soon as we invited guests, one of the children fell seriously ill. After a while, we stopped inviting guests to the house. Any anniversary, guests or pleasant event, for example, a long-awaited trip abroad - I get sick, so much so that with the operation. You have to postpone everything - to have an operation, come to your senses and try to go again. Recently, my daughter gathered with her children at sea, for the first time in a beautiful, expensive place - so the day before her trip at night I had to call an ambulance - a heart attack. (The story of a woman 60 years old.)

Someone chooses an easier way - they pay with money and their own emotional resources.

“At first you disappeared from the beds, plant pink bushes, and only then get ready for the ball.”

Often, the more successful relative takes on an unspoken obligation to pull or support his entire family. And the family takes this state of affairs for granted.

And then it may happen that a young woman will pull for a long time not working older brother and mother or support a drinking sister or fully provide all the whims of her parents living at her expense. As if she was trying to pay off her family for her right to live a better life than they do.

Being connected with someone, and primarily with your family, is one of the meta needs of a person. A sense of belonging to a family forces us to remain committed to the choices that the family has made before us. So we often do not let ourselves into another life out of solidarity with our mother or father, grandmother or grandfather.

Keep on the wave.

It’s not only the feeling of guilt in front of our family that pulls us back, but also the fear.

because we don't have the skill to live like that. so to work, so to rest, so to build your life. at any moment, the environment may be less supportive, and the realization paralyzes: "God, I can't swim!"

And the body begins to sink in panic. Metaphorically - in matters that were successfully resolved yesterday; physically - to get sick, somatize, fall asleep, hide, forget about meetings, step back, cower in a ball and say: "Leave me, I will die here.."

And even drown in reality.

I will tell you a recent case about a woman who first went to the sea without her husband and unexpectedly discovered that she was very afraid of drowning. Previously, her husband was always there, and theoretically she could call him for help if she suddenly stopped reaching with her feet to the bottom. And he would have saved her, wherever he was at that moment and in whatever direction he looked.)

The environment was no longer supportive, familiar, and conditionally safe - and fear completely blocked the brain.

It took at least a week for all sorts of tricks - somehow swimming in the deep pool of the hotel with a huge inflatable ring and constant nervous control of the feet of the seabed. Until one day she was "released" and she remembered that she can swim perfectly. I just remembered. She always swam on all sea trips, and she did it well. And from that moment she began to swim on her own, reminding herself that she is able to lean on herself and not drown.

all boundaries are in the head. the world is open to all possibilities. if you want - go, take it, do it

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