2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In the family system, all of its members are interconnected. And there is a place for everyone. For example, children are in front of their parents in order to be able to lean on them. The grandparents are behind the parents, and so on. The ancestors behind our backs support, give a sense of acceptance, security and strength. One of the laws of the family system - the law of the HIERARCHY, says: "Whoever came into the system earlier has more rights." Parents have more rights in relation to their children. When a child starts caring for a parent or criticizing him, he "takes away" parental rights. The child and parent change places. The child becomes a parent to his parent. The roles are confused. The family system is out of order. If someone is in someone else's place, he feels so. The flow of energy is disrupted. a person experiences anxiety, he is irritated, the values of the family do not reach him. It is important to know that when a person takes someone else's place, it does not come from his malicious intent, but from love. Out of the need to be accepted, noticed, loved.
Practical example. The client's consent to the publication has been received
During self-isolation, Vera decided to move with her little son to her parents in the village. Still, fresh air, fresh milk, countryside, against which the fear of the coronavirus fades. The husband supported Vera's decision, moved his family by car to a new habitat. On the very first evening, Vera was unpleasantly surprised by her father's behavior. He began to drink "in honor of the arrival of his daughter", losing his human appearance before our eyes. He never wanted to stop drinking alcohol and did not know how. Vera again plunged into the atmosphere of parental war, which she had almost forgotten. My father's drunkenness ended with the fact that he ended up in a hospital with high blood pressure, and Vera, who returned to the city, was in the psychologist's office, that is, at my appointment. - I am still overwhelmed with feelings. I am unhappy with my relationship with my father. I think about him all the time. I love him, I hate him! I suggest Vera draw a relationship with her father. Two pale, barely visible figures appeared in the drawing.
- What does Vera feel in the picture?
- Vera feels humiliation and shame, feels her own weakness. Around the father is a thorny shell, it is impossible to approach him. - What do you want now? - I want to draw my mother, she needs to be saved from her father.
- How does mom feel? - Mom is watching us from the side. She was tired, there were also problems at work. There is no outlet. - What could be an outlet in mom's life? - Vegetable garden.
- When a vegetable garden appears, what changes for mom? - She's getting better. - What changes for dad? - He gets worse, as he has to water the garden.
- Someone is forcing him to water the garden? Or is it his choice? - He pretends that his mother makes him. In fact, of course, this is his choice. Dad becomes more fun realizing this. He comes out of his barbed shell. Faith is still emotionally dependent on her parents. They are the main objects of attention for her, while the husband and son fade into the background.
- How does Vera feel now?
- She felt calmer. Vera begins to understand that parents have their own life, and they themselves chose it. She has energy. - Where do you want to direct the emerging energy? - I remember about my son. I would like to direct energy to him.
- It's strange that I drew a pink shirt for my five-year-old son. Usually girls wear pink clothes. - What is it for you? - The son is gentle, like a girl. He understands and supports me. - The son understands and supports you, although this is clearly not the function of the child. By the colors that you used in the picture, the son is very reminiscent of your mother. Does he replace your mom? - It seems so. - When your attention is directed towards the parents, the child is deprived of this attention. And he needs attention to survive. When a child is seen, he understands that it exists. When not noticed, it is as if it is not. And then the child stands where the parent's attention is directed. In your case, the son takes the place of your mother. He is ready to become a mom for you. - Cute boy. But, this is not his role. I am ashamed that I have confused everything so much. - You yourself are in the role of a parent for your parents. History repeats itself. - What can I do to become a daughter for my parents, a mother for my son? - We'll get to that. How do you like the idea of becoming a wife to your husband? Something I do not see him in the picture. The partner of the grown “child” will be left unattended, He will “agree” to this only if he himself gives his energy “to the left”, not to the partner, but to someone else.
- How do you, Vera, treat your husband? - I have a good husband, he is logical. He has everything "on the shelves." He's also caring. - What do you miss in family life? - I miss my interests.
Vera added her interests to the drawing.
- How does Vera feel now in the picture? - It seems that everything is there, and it seems that EVERYTHING is out of place. - You can cut out all the shapes and experiment with their placement on the sheet. Vera spent some time shifting the figures on the sheet, tracking her feelings. She opted for this option.
- Beneath me are my interests, they seem to support me. And my parents support me. They also have their own interests. Now I have a feeling that everything in my life is in the right places. This is how I like it. Now I want to change my son's shirt color. He must know that he is a boy. He is our son. Mine and my husband's.
With the help of the drawing, Vera literally saw her place in the family system and accepted it. It takes time for a new image to firmly enter her life, but a start has been made.
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