My Child Annoys Me. What To Do?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Many parents feel annoyed with their child. At the same time, as irritation builds up, emotions heat up, and irritation turns into anger, and sometimes into rage. It becomes more and more difficult to control oneself, and now there comes a moment when emotions spill out on the child, like an element. The manifestation of such aggression depends on the emotional state of a person, his internal attitudes and blocks, on upbringing, in the end. Some parents may simply stop talking to the child in a moment of rage, others start yelling at the child, and still others grab the belt. After the emotions subside, parents begin to feel guilty. But at the same time, some sprinkle ashes on their heads: "Oh, what a bad mother I am," others are looking for the cause of their aggression in the child himself: "All have children, like children, why am I punished!"

Such manifestations of parental aggression lead to psychological trauma in the child, they are subsequently transformed into psychological complexes that inevitably affect the entire future life of the child. In addition, such aggressive manifestations of parents destroy relationships in the family. Well, in fact, what kind of trust, respect and love can we talk about in a family where abuse, insults and assault are practiced. The child does not feel safe, and as we all remember well, security is a basic human need and is on the second step of Maslow's pyramid. A child who is regularly attacked, shouted, insulted and beaten does not feel love. But a person needs love, and if he does not receive it at home, then he will look for it on the side. Hence, early sexual intercourse, drugs, alcohol and other problems so characteristic of adolescence.

So what do you do? How to deal with irritation? Let's figure it out together. I suggest the following algorithm.

Step 1 First of all, it is necessary to realize that the true cause of irritation lies not in the child's behavior, but in personal psychological trauma and complexes, while the child's behavior is only a trigger, an irritant. It seems to you that your child deliberately pisses you off, what he does to spite you. Believe me, nothing of the kind, and if you look at the situation from the outside, you will see that your reaction is inadequate to the child's behavior. Let me give you an example. Once I saw a shocking scene, from which all passers-by froze. A young woman with a child 3-4 years old was walking along the road. They talked about something cheerfully, played, dabbled. They both seemed to enjoy the walk together. Suddenly the child stumbled, fell and began to cry. And then something unexpected happened. Instead of calming and pitying the baby, the mother exclaimed in a rage: "How I hate you!" - and turned away. The child's cry became even bitter and more plaintive. In a matter of minutes, the mother managed to pull herself together, and she helped the child to get up, and the balance was restored. Of course, the reason for the mother's rage is not at all the fall of the child. His fall and crying only stirred some of her invisible psychological wound. The transfer mechanism worked, and she saw in the crying child not her own child, but someone invisible to those around her. Yes, she managed to quickly pull herself together, but it is quite obvious that such reactions will not pass without a trace for the child. It is this her reaction that will become the true cause of many problems that this child will have to face in the future. Years will pass, and the baby's psyche will displace this episode from his memory, and at the level of consciousness he will not be able to understand why he will be annoyed by the pain and suffering of others, why he will not be able to feel compassion at the sight of people experiencing pain, where did it come from in his soul hard-heartedness. Why can't he speak openly about his feelings, why can't he share his pain with anyone, both mental and physical. This lesson was taught to him by his mother, demonstrating that a person is hated when he is bad and in pain.

For parents who have realized that the real cause of irritation lies in them, it becomes quite obvious that it is impossible to influence the child so that he stops annoying, it is necessary to work with oneself

Step 2 Find the cause of the irritation, relive it and transform it. This is the most important and most difficult step. Alas, it will hardly be possible to do without the help of a specialist. The true reason is hidden in the deep layers of the psyche. It lies at the subconscious level. And our consciousness, acting as a censor, does not allow us to understand the images and symbols, which are the language of our subconsciousness. It is possible to establish a dialogue with the subconscious, but for this it is necessary to use the methods of depth psychotherapy. Here we are helped by such methods as sand therapy, art therapy, work with any metaphorical unstructured material. The subconscious mind loves everything that is unstructured, and when it comes into contact with it, it throws out all the information, it is important to learn to understand it. And, of course, the most effective way is to work with a psychologist who uses methods of deep psychotherapy in his work. But, alas, understanding the cause does not mean getting rid of the problem. Unfortunately, Sigmund Freud was wrong when he argued that the healing process means understanding the true causes of illness. Often we all perfectly understand where the legs grow from, but we cannot do anything. In order to finally get rid of the problem, it is necessary to transform negative (destructive) energies into creative ones. In other words, in Jung's language, turn a Shadow into a Resource. The method of sand therapy, its modern dynamic techniques, such as, for example, working in several trays, helps a lot in this.

Step 3. This step does not follow the second, but in parallel with it. Speaking about irritation in relation to our own child, we must understand that each such outburst of an inadequate reaction destroys the child's psychological integrity and leads to catastrophic consequences. And since it is the parents who are responsible for the development of the child, no matter what internal problems they have, they must protect the child from their own negative impact on his psyche. And here it is necessary to turn to the possibilities of behavioral correction. We must learn to throw out such emotions as irritation, anger, aggression in a way that is safe for the child. To do this, it is necessary, through self-observation, to identify the trigger mechanism that triggers the reaction of irritation and develop a reflex to it, like in Pavlov's dog. For example, if you, as a woman on the street, are annoyed that your child is falling, then at the moment of falling you must learn to restrain your anger. One of these ways at the peak moment is to take a deep deep breath and slowly, slowly blow out the air, folding your lips into a tube. Concentrate on blowing it out and think of nothing but the air coming out of your lungs. Another way. At the peak moment, make a movement with your hand that imitates unzipping from the neck to the lower back. Stop and slowly open the zipper. It is better to do this with your eyes closed. These easy exercises will help you learn to control and manage emotions and make them safe for your child's psyche.

Summing up the above, there are several key points:

1. The true cause of irritation lies not in the child's behavior, but in his own psychological trauma and complexes.

2. Aggressive manifestations of irritation directed at children destroy their personality and cause them psychological trauma with catastrophic consequences.

3. To get rid of irritation, anger and rage, you need to identify their true cause, feel and transform it

4. You need to learn to manage and control your emotions in order to protect the mental health of your own children.