Why Men Don't Hear Women

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I often hear the following request from my clients and friends: “What do I need to do so that my husband is more attentive, so that he develops, looks for additional work,” and so on. Of course, women are driven by a sincere desire to help a man, to make him a leader, so that he does not drink, does not smoke and always gives flowers. Some ideal for herself

Unfortunately, they don't like my answer. I answer that you don't need to do anything on purpose, since it will still be useless. This is the desire of the woman, not the man himself. And then the next question arises in terms of type, but what if he does not understand that he cannot do it the way he does?

Of course, he understands everything, because it is not a mentally retarded person who lives next to you. He understands very well, but the ability to win and achieve more depends not on a set of qualities and skills in him, but on motivation. Believe me, he has already repeated to himself ten times that he does nothing in his life and therefore is a failure, and you came and told him this for the eleventh time. Is it possible that after the last nail in the lid of his dead dignity, wings will begin to grow behind his back, and he will begin to act immediately? Was it just these words that he just lacked?

And here a woman may reasonably object, I am not his nanny, I should not constantly push and remind him. Thus, denying the role of a mother in her husband's life. But the truth is, it’s the mother’s role that is actively involved in you. You are not even a mother, but a Mother. The mother's task is to teach, prompt, scold, control, make a remark, feed, etc. Listen to your request: "What can I do to make my husband a real man." This is the voice of the Mother in relation to her unfortunate son, who makes mistake after mistake and who cannot be proud of. And women selflessly take up the reeducation of their son, they tell him what to do.

The roots of this phenomenon lie in Eric Berne's theory of transactional analysis. The bottom line is that three entities live inside each of us: Adult, Parent and Child. Regardless of gender, age and other reasons. And the voice of our parents is sometimes very loud, it begins with the pronoun "YOU". He tells us how imperfect we are.

It happened that you heard inside yourself phrases like: "Where are you going?", "Do you understand that you can't?" Familiar phrases? It is our Parent who is in a hurry to "help", trying to protect us from mistakes and disappointments. So he not only fetters us, he is a parent with a capital letter, he can teach someone else's Child.

And so this wise Mother begins to bring up the inner Child of her husband. How does a child behave in a similar situation?

• The first option: he becomes isolated and perceives what has been said deeply at his own expense, not seeing the good intentions of the Mother to “improve” his life. And then the woman gets a passive couch husband, who does not want to even try, since he is already hung with all possible labels at his own expense and has clearly learned the message that his life is not of any benefit to those around him.
• The second option: the Child rebelles, is capricious and begins to do evil. If you want me to give you flowers, I will never give them; if you want me to succeed in my career, I don’t owe you anything, I don’t want to, I won’t.

What to do?

Heal your inner Parent. After all, its function in the family is not always destructive. A good parent is a mentor, counselor, support, and unconditional love. And the most important thing is respect. If it is not there, then no advice will help.

In family relationships, it is important for a woman to keep a balance between Parent and Child. After all, a man also has a Parent. And he wants to take care. Just take care not of Mom, but of Daughter. Observe a healthy relationship between a real father and daughter. It's incredible, but how sincerely the girl rejoices when her dad appears on the horizon, how she runs to him, hugs and loves unconditionally, despite his work, finances and so on. And dad is ready to give everything to this girl, sometimes wives complain that husbands spoil their daughters too much.

This behavior is worth learning for every adult woman

Therefore, if you want a change in your relationship with men, start with yourself. Muffle the voice of the Parent who criticizes within yourself, and instead increase the volume of the Loving Parent. Praise your inner girl, support her, talk to her. This will start the process of inevitable internal transformations.

And then an even more difficult step. Take the position that the man is superior on the basis that he is a Man. Just take it for granted. And that's not bad, that's great. He is a Man, a father, he must and will protect you.

Many can now loudly object to me that if I behave like this, then the family will have nothing to feed and how much to expect from him awareness and changes. Be patient. After all, the way your man is now, he did not become overnight. This means that it will not become different overnight. If you take a shower and adjust the water temperature, then it does not change instantly, but time passes, and you get the water temperature you need. It's the same in relationships.

Just try it. After all, you yourself see that the actions that you took earlier did not work, which means you need to do something differently. It is impossible to come to a new relationship with the old methods. In this case, you need to stock up on two important qualities: patience and perseverance.