How To Heal The Inner Child?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In psychology, you can find the concept of "psychological age". Which often may not match the physical. This discrepancy can be either temporary or permanent.

In the first case, we are talking about regression, in the second, about infantilism. That is, in other words, either an Adult in a relationship becomes As a child (E. Byrne), or initially neither an adult nor a mature person enters into this relationship.

Every person was once a child, and we carry this image with us into adulthood. In various sources and theories, two types of inner child are most often encountered - Happy and Traumatized (or Natural and Crying).

Happy (whole) child Is a welcome child of loving, adult and psychologically healthy parents. Such parents accepted the child, took care of him and supported him, respected the child's personality and his right to independence. Such a child becomes an Adult in a natural way. Having matured, he can carry out all these functions in relation to himself. In other words, it is saturated (with love and acceptance) and taught to be environmentally friendly and careful with oneself. Keeping in touch with such an Inner Child, a person is fed from this state with energy, because in him is a source of spontaneity, creativity, vitality, he confidently walks through life, solves problems, makes decisions, makes choices - because he knows well what he wants. Unfortunately, not many of us had such a childhood. And, therefore, not many of our parents …

Traumatized (crying) child - this is a child who has undergone various types of trauma or violence: in the worst case - physical, in the "best" - psychological. It can be a lonely and rejected, abandoned and forgotten, abused, used, self-sacrificing child. The parents were either preoccupied with their own sorrows and problems (hypo-care), or overly involved the child in their lives (over-care). In the first case, the parents were cold, neglectful, selfish, in the second - anxious, controlling, over-caring. As a result, the child was overwhelmed with emotional pain and unreacted feelings and states - fear, sadness, resentment, anger, loneliness, helplessness.

In childhood, to protect the Crying and Injured Child (as a defense mechanism), another subpersonality may appear on the scene - Supervising child … To get rid of emotional pain and unbearable inner tension, he seeks various means. Some of them are distracting (work, sports, obsessive concern for others, computer games) - more socially acceptable. Others - pain relievers (food, alcohol, medicine, sex, nicotine, gambling) - are condemned by society. In fact, both of them are likely to become the object of pathological addiction. This is where the roots of all dependencies are.

Since the needs are still not met, and the Controlling Child is no longer able to cope with its task, another character may appear - Angry and Rebellious Child (combination of Crying and Controlling). He is overly demanding, openly expresses hostility.

When Natural, Controlling and Crying are combined - the world is born

Stubborn and Selfish Child, he shows his aggression implicitly, covertly. He is manipulative, scheming, often vindictive and resourceful. Lives under the slogans: "I have the right to it", "I will do only what I like." The common features of these subpersonalities are: justification of their behavior, blaming others, recklessness, refusal of responsibility.

What happens to these Children? They live in us - adults. Such adults are always psychologically in the position of a child - undernourished, eternally craving for love and attention, in need, dependent, demanding of others. These feelings are still relevant, they are energetically charged, and this energy needs to be released. Resentment, dissatisfaction, reproaches, claims of such an adult child are originally intended for parents, nevertheless, most often presented to partners … As soon as situations similar to those from childhood occur in real real adult life, or as soon as we meet someone who becomes not indifferent to us, we begin to act as if other people owe us something. Time and again, our Inner Wounded Child projects onto the present trauma situation, causing us to react as a small child would. Namely - complains, demands, whines, demands, manipulates and controls.

Where there is no childhood, there is no maturity. Françoise Dolto

These subpersonalities are easily recognizable in roles that are already played by adults. For example, Crying Child is a clear Sacrifice. It is characterized by: the use of painkillers, chemical addiction (drugs, alcohol, etc.), a tendency to depression, escape from responsibility. Most often they are creative people - artists, musicians, actors, poets.

A Controlling Child is usually an emotionally cold and unavailable person. Typical: Distractions, Perfectionism, Workaholism, Super Achievements. They live by the rules, they are guided by the model. Rigid, stubborn, pedantic. Take on someone else's responsibility - “life for others” (Rescuer).

These poles are not rigid - a person during his life can move from one painful pole to another, and can combine the features of both. As a result of the lack of development of the Crying Child, a person falls into an emotional trap - the so-called Karpman triangle, where he constantly changes roles - the Rescuer, the Victim and the Aggressor.

All these states / subpersonalities are good if they appear on the stage of our life from time to time. When one of them becomes the dominant part of an adult, this, of course, leads to the destruction of relations. No one is able to constantly be a loving and endlessly accepting parent who heals a partner's childhood traumas. Especially if in a relationship there are two such traumatized children (and, as a rule, this is what happens) … As a result, there is loneliness and an endless expectation of magic - a meeting with a person who will give us something that our parents once did not give us: love, care, feeling safe and secure, recognizing that you are the best.

The way out is healing, first of all, the Crying Child, because it is this part that gives rise to all the rest. We need to help him react to the sea of his pain, to mourn the wounds he has received. It is important and necessary to accept all of our parts, because there are no good and bad among them, all of them at one time helped us to survive and not collapse. Accept to restore your integrity, and, therefore, psychological health.

And only after working with the Inner Child, begin carefully and carefully to grow out of him a wise Adult - confident, supportive, able not only to take, but also to give, responsible and making decisions. Who can build a fulfilling and loving relationship with another Adult. What I wish you with all my heart.

(based on the book by Marilyn Murray "THE MURRAY METHOD")