Where Does Love Lead? 5 Scenarios For Your Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Published in the magazine "The only" July 2012

Four of them were described more than a hundred years ago, later a fifth was added. Moreover, any of the scenarios can be both absolutely happy and deeply problematic. Your union probably develops along one of them. For what?

Is it possible that such an emotional sphere as love can obey some laws? It turns out, yes. Even the Polish psychotherapist Woclaw Jacek established that a connection between two people, no matter how passionate, bright, amazing it may be, always has a certain development scenario. And whatever one may say, over time, one of the types of relationships described below is established in a pair. Most of the problems in marriage arise from the fact that people meet with different scenarios. Then one "crushes" the other under him, and the one who "caved in" feels unhappy and dissatisfied. At the same time, he does not give what he wants to the second partner - and the relationship is destroyed. Or smolder for years, not bringing joy to either one or the other.

However, even those lucky ones who have the same expectations from the union are not immune from misunderstanding. After all, each type has its own underwater reefs. Decide which scenario your couple is gravitating towards, and try to avoid possible mistakes!

Type 1. Patriarchal

In this alliance, she provides the rear, and he conquers the world. And if everyone likes his role, the family will be happy and strong.

* The husband is the head of the family de juro and de facto.

* All major decisions are made by him, and the wife and children, even with visible democracy, obey.

* The wife organizes everyday life and is engaged in the upbringing of children.

* She can work, but her case is not considered important.

* She will drop everything and go after her husband, if necessary.

* The dilemma "career or family" does not stand in front of it: the family is a priori more important.

Possible difficulties. Modern society says to a woman: "Be active!" If she is engaged in housekeeping and children, then she is considered “unrealized” (although, perhaps, it is in the family that her true vocation is). Quite a few women are led by fashion, get a job, although at the same time they feel uncomfortable, and the climate in the house is deteriorating. It is important to ask yourself: "Is this my desire, or is it imposed by others?"

Another important point. In a patriarchal union, a man in no way should treat his wife as a consumer. If he does not appreciate her care, does not thank her, then she will feel offended.

On the example of the film "Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears"

The charming locksmith Gosha, the dream of all Soviet women, is a classic example of a man with a patriarchal scenario of relationships. He has an active life position: he makes decisions, provides for his family, protects his woman. Upon learning that Katerina is no less than the director of the plant, Gosha

leaves her. After all, it is unacceptable for this man when his beloved is higher in social status. Only after the intervention of friends does he return to Katya and tries to accept a new format of relations for him.

Type 2. Affiliate

Relationships in a couple are built on the principles of partnership: equal rights, equal responsibilities, there is always an opportunity to negotiate.

* In this union, both man and woman are active, active, energetic.

* Both strive for self-development, it is important for everyone to find themselves in what they love.

* Usually both work, although a woman can formally sit at home and at the same time engage in some kind of social activity.

* Grandmothers, nannies, housekeepers help to organize everyday life - the wife is not inclined to take on household chores on herself. What remains is divided equally.

* Husband and wife agree on everything, from the distribution of responsibilities and the schedule to the principles of raising children.

* Often these couples have separate budgets.

Possible difficulties. As a rule, sooner or later these relations develop into matriarchal ones. It is very important for a woman that there is an emotional closeness with a man, and not just a dry agreement. She needs her beloved to take care not on schedule, make unexpected gifts, etc. Men, on the other hand, are often satisfied with partnerships, they are in no hurry to take the initiative. Then the woman takes the leading role: first she comes up with how to spend a romantic evening together, then she decides more serious things: where the children will study, how to distribute finances … their expectations.

On the example of the film "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"

At first glance, John and Jane live like all ordinary married couples. However, each of the partners has his own personal territory, to which the other is not allowed: the life of a secret agent, a hired killer. Both spouses are independent, purposeful, courageous and self-sufficient. They would have existed for many more years if they had not accidentally received an order for each other.

Type 3. Homemade

There is love, and everything else is unimportant. The relationship in this pair is tightly tied to each other: these lucky ones don't need anyone else.

* Career, realization, achievement of some social heights is not important either for a man or a woman in this union.

* They draw energy from each other and from their relationships.

* The most important thing in their life is mutual love, home comfort, warmth in their "nest".

* As a rule, partners are very sensitive and delicate people.

* They do not strive for contacts from the outside: others only interfere.

* When children appear, both mom and dad take care of them with the same zeal.

Possible difficulties. The danger lies in the fact that if you do not go out into the outside world, you can exhaust each other. Then the relationship runs the risk of slipping to the everyday level: the habit remains to be around, to spend evenings together, but the fullness that was before is no longer there. Therefore, it is very important for such a couple to have some kind of joint business: build a house, do business, have a common hobby. And communicate with other people! Oddly enough, this will allow you to find additional resources of inspiration in each other.

On the example of the film "Sweet November"

When Nelson meets Sarah, he quits his job, changes his usual way of life and completely, with pleasure, plunges into a relationship with his beloved. Each other is enough for them to fully feel the fullness of life.

Type 4. Matriarchal

The woman is the head of the family, although she is not necessarily a general in a skirt. Sometimes the man himself encourages her to take the reins into her own hands.

* She is strong, purposeful, active. On the contrary, he has a gentle character, loves home comfort, does not seek to make a career.

* Often both work, but he earns less, his business is not so important (although he can remain a breadwinner).

* All the main decisions in this union are made by a woman. If she is wise, then she creates the appearance that a man is "driving".

* The father is inclined to take care of the upbringing of children and often gives them more than the mother.

* If they are comfortable together and they do not reproach each other, then the union is very harmonious.

Possible difficulties. If a woman begins to reproach a man for being inactive, earning little, etc., he will look for ways to raise his self-esteem. One of them is an agreeable and feminine mistress who sees in him "not a boy, but a husband." At the same time, the carrier of the matriarchal scenario simply will not get along with a strong guy, no matter how much she wants to see such a person nearby. In order for her beloved to become more active, she should slightly weaken her control over all areas of his life: then, you see, he will show male character traits.

On the example of the film "Love and Doves"

Vasily and Nadezhda live according to the scenario of "soft" matriarchy: the wife, whatever one may say, is the main one in the Kuzyakin family. Perhaps Vasily lacks male realization, or simply the resort conditions are conducive to romance, but he falls in love with the lonely Raisa Zakharovna and eventually leaves his wife for her. The heroine Gurchenko wants to see in him a real strong man, her script is partriarchal. But this does not suit Kuzyakin, their relationship cracks, and he returns to his wife.

Type 5. Inspirational

She is a muse, he is an artist, businessman, poet, politician … However, it doesn't matter. It only matters that it is she who inspires him to achieve.

* A man is the main one, but he is realized because his beloved inspires him.

* Success in itself does not interest him: he tries for her. But achievements often amaze him.

* She, as befits a muse, is very capricious, makes new demands on him, but this is exactly what is needed for his development.

* A woman-muse is demanding of herself, as a rule, she has a strong character and is constantly improving herself.

* There are many friends in their house: he wants them to appreciate her, she is pleased with the admiration of others. There is a certain theatricality in their relationship, but both of them like it.

* The appearance of children poses new challenges for her: she can be a wonderful mother, and he is proud of it,.

Possible difficulties. If she stops inspiring him, he will find himself another muse - such is the nature. That is why true muses do not give themselves a descent and find new ways to amaze the imagination of their beloved. And they achieve their goal: such unions, as a rule, are durable, because a man is emotionally dependent on his woman. If this is not her scenario, she will simply get tired of constantly keeping herself in shape.

On the example of the film "That same Munchausen"

Beloved Martha inspires the protagonist to great deeds. But she is unable to accept his next trick - a new day of the year, May 32, and asks to abandon her fantasies for her. As soon as this happens, the baron loses his footing. He signs a self-denial and then fakes suicide. Tellingly, later Martha herself leaves Munchausen, who turned from a merry fellow and a dreamer into a boring and calculating cynic of a flower-grower. And he understands: in order to return Martha, you need to return yourself …

Can the script be changed?

It's good when you and your husband have the same relationship scenarios. By the way, they are most often formed following the example of parental families. And if you expect patriarchal realization from him, but he is in no hurry? Or do you give all of yourself to your love and want the same attitude in return, but he only thinks about friends and career? To be together, you both will have to change your expectations of each other. It's not as easy as it sounds. You need to clearly understand what you want to get, and depending on this, change your strategy of behavior. And then

see what happens. For example, a strong woman who gravitates towards a matriarchal relationship will have to learn to be weak in union with an equally strong man. "Muse", which by its nature is domestic and closed, will need to constantly work on itself so that the beloved does not cease to admire her. If he gravitates towards partnerships, and your scenario is patriarchal, you will have to learn to negotiate with him and "push" him to express himself … In any case, both partners are equally responsible for the quality of the relationship, regardless of the scenario.

Sometimes the scenario can change even in an already established relationship. This usually happens at significant events in the family, when a redistribution of roles is possible. For example, at the birth of a child. And until the script "settles down", conflicts and misunderstandings are possible. Over time, either the relationship will return to the old scenario, or a new scenario will form. If conflicts persist, then it makes sense to contact a specialist.

Often, in order to find "our" scenario, we have to try different scenarios.

It is important to understand in which scenario you are comfortable. Which of the scenarios is truly yours. Don't be fooled by fashion or force yourself to play a different role.