FORMATION OF NARCISSISM. SWINGING CRADLE. PART 1

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The child, by virtue of his giftedness, develops in himself the qualities that his mother wants to see in him, which at this moment actually saves the child's life (by which he understands the parents' love), but, perhaps, he will then interfere with being himself all his life.

A. Miller

Each person is an island within himself, and he can build a bridge to another if … he is allowed to be himself.

R. Rogers

The father loves his child because it is his from birth; but he must still love him as a future person. Only such love for children is true and worthy of being called love; every other is selfishness, cold pride.

V. Belinsky

In the myth of the narcissist, as outlined by Ovid, there is an interesting hint of a family situation. Narcissus - born of violence: his father, Kefis, catches Lariopa while bathing and rapes her. In childhood, narcissistic personalities were often the targets of the narcissistic exploitation of their parents. The parents of a “narcissist” are often obsessed with power issues and unable to truly love.

As he grows up, a gradual denarcissization of the child takes place, contributing to the growth and strengthening of the Self. J. McDougall names three narcissistic traumas that every person goes through:

1. Acceptance of the existence of the Other and awareness of our own separation from him (the awareness that our desires and feelings are similar only sometimes, and also that the Other, who appears to us initially as our own reflection or even as a reflection of our own desires, is outside the limits of power our "I").

2. Acceptance of one's own unisexuality.

3. Acceptance of your own limb.

In publications devoted to narcissism, I describe the narcissist as a kind of subhuman, but, unfortunately, this is not my desire to thicken the colors and add a frightening sound to the text. All people who are faced with a narcissistically organized personality indicate the inhumanity of these people (options: impersonal, inhuman, non-humanized). The fact is that parting with the illusions of his own omnipotence, which occurs in the process of denarcissization, allows the child to just identify with humanity. The narcissist is a child who was not helped to realize that he is neither more nor less - a human child who has his own rights and opportunities, but they are not unlimited.

The border marking develops in the child due to the influence of the castration complex. The metaphor of castration reflects the child's inadequacy, a reality that he is destined to get used to as he encounters the limitations of his own capabilities. Awareness and recognition of the fact of limitation is necessary for the development of a sense of reality and recognition of oneself as just a human being. As they become rooted in their humanity, there is an understanding that parents are not so impeccable and omnipotent, their power is not unlimited, as well as the recognition of the existence of boundaries between people, their bodily givenness and mortality.

Let me give you the most extensive example of the “humanization” of a child. Particular attention in the upbringing of very young children is focused on behavior that is associated with vital needs - eating, going to the toilet, etc. Starting from a certain age, parents teach their children to eat carefully, to hold cutlery correctly, and not to grab it greedily with their hands when they please. It is not just about the rules of behavior, but about the humanization of the child. In this regard, I will give an example.

Olga, the secretary of the narcissistic leader, lamented: “I bring him documents to sign, while he is eating. He takes the papers without wiping his hands, begins to sign them, puts them on crumbs, the remains of food remain on the documents. In general, he is strange in relation to food, in public he absorbs food with his hands, uses utensils that are not appropriate for the dish, eats in places not intended for eating, as well as in situations in which it looks ridiculous, etc. " This example clearly demonstrates the unformed needs of the human type of Olga's narcissistic leader. If the marking of borders has taken place, the ultimate goal of which is humanization, then in the sphere of nutritional needs the formula crystallizes: "hunger - mediation by rules and norms - food".

In other areas of life, a similar process of humanizing a person should also take place. Inhuman behavior in other areas is manifested in arrogance, exactingness, shamelessness and violation of the boundaries of other people.

The mother is usually the person who has the greatest influence on the child. Therefore, exploring the causes of narcissism, it is impossible not to dwell separately on its formative role in this ailment.

A mother with narcissistic trauma is unable to establish the connection and attachment necessary for the growth and development of her child. A woman’s desire to become a mother can be actualized by her narcissism (this “overture” of motherhood is not so rare, the motives for “having” a child and “being” a mother are psychologically different). Such a mother cultivates an ideal image of herself as a mother. Her fantasies are endless. A narcissistic woman needs a child in order to feel fulfilled. As J. McDougall and F. Tustin show, such a mother, due to her own psychopathology, involuntarily uses her child as an impersonal (or even inanimate) object. The mother uses the child as a kind of patch or cork, with which she tries to plug the emptiness of her loneliness, depression and confusion. McDougall and Tustin refer to this dysfunctional couple as the "gaping mother" and the "cork baby." The narcissist feels himself to be an inanimate, utilitarian object - a kind of "tampon" in the mother's body.

The narcissistic mother is aroused by her grandiose fantasies about the possession of a human being. The child is perceived as its own continuation, which will mirror its splendor, attest to status and feed the narcissistic hunger. A mother's narcissism requires an “ideal” child to reflect her ideality. If the child does not correspond to the ideal of the mother created by narcissism, for example, she is not satisfied with her appearance, abilities, behavior, achievements or any other parameters, the narcissistic mother feels her inferiority, which causes a gamut of negative emotions. But in order to preserve her greatness and delight others, such a mother projects onto the child an image that will recharge her narcissism, and will hide her disgust and bad attitude towards the child. A narcissistic mother cannot be tied with a healthy feeling to a real child, she is focused on the fantasy about a child created by her mental inferiority.

Narcissistic mothers are always easy to recognize by their too strong concentration of their attention on appearance, comfort, whims while carrying a child. Only after learning about pregnancy, women of this type immediately show often unreasonable demands, expect that everyone should serve them and indulge their whims. A future narcissistic mother may be either too distant or too preoccupied with the pregnancy. But, be that as it may, the woman is focused on her own experiences, and not focused on the child who is destined to come into this world from her body. Such a woman who has decided to become a mother may actually have disgust for her body and for what she will go through. The fate of such a child is to develop in the cold womb of the mother, he is destined not to be born, but pushed out with disgust. If a woman can saturate her narcissism in other areas of her life, such a child is doomed to loneliness and cold. It is difficult to assess which situation is better or which is worse, but a situation when a woman does not see other resources for pumping her flawed Self is also traumatic for a child. It's about pseudo-love; Whatever form of pseudo-love I come across, I can confidently say that it is a marker of identity problems.

Having a child requires a woman to deny herself, which a narcissistic mother is not capable of. The baby demands too much. Even recently, the privileged position of a pregnant woman is occupied by a child; he finds himself in the center of everyone's attention. All of these can cause depression in the narcissistic mother. Narcissistic fantasies do not correspond to the real state of affairs, and the required care for a newborn does not make it possible to realize enchanting plans. Then the mother "turns on the reverse", if there is someone who can perform her functions, relieving her of the mother's burden, she will take advantage of this without a shadow of a doubt. If she is unable to relinquish her maternal responsibilities, she can imitate her activities with indifference and carelessness. In the first months, the child still cannot satisfy her narcissism, then she behaves indifferently and coldly.

In the masterpiece of world cinema, created by Ingmar Bergman, "Autumn Sonata" shows the consequences of maternal indifference and coldness. Bergman's "Sonata" tells about the case of the transfer of psychological problems from mother to daughter for two generations.

Mother (Charlotte), played by Ingrid Bergman, is a virtuoso pianist, absorbed in her stardom, cold and cut off from feelings. Bergman's frightening directness demonstrates the unattainable depth of feelings, contradictions, compressed at the bottom of the soul of both mother and daughter. “Mother and daughter… The daughter inherits the lessons of the mother. Mother has failed. The daughter will pay. The mother's misfortune must be the daughter's misfortune. It's like an umbilical cord that hasn't been cut …”.

Being a virtuoso pianist in demand is Charlotte's main passion, which, in her opinion, frees her from her maternal responsibilities. It's normal for Charlotte to be away from her daughter, who lost her young child in an accident. Emotional callousness keeps Charlotte from feeling guilty. Charlotte fights guilt by resorting to defensive maneuvers: asserting her own femininity ("I'll get dressed better for dinner"); escape ("I will stay here less than I expected"); sublimation ("This is bad, bad, bad. As bad as the last passage in Bartok's sonata").

Bergman reveals to the viewer what ghosts of the past torment mother and daughter, and what is hidden behind their children's doors. If Eva, who has decided to tell her mother everything, grows up before our eyes, then Charlotte becomes smaller in front of our eyes, loses her position: "I wanted you to hug and comfort me." The mother moves the daughter to the place of her own mother and expects the lost love.

Eva accuses her mother of only pretending to love her, while the truth is that Eva was her support for her narcissism: “I was just a doll for you to play with when you had time. But as soon as I got sick, or, if I created the slightest inconvenience for you, you threw me to my father or nanny. " “I was small, affectionate. I was waiting for warmth, and you entangled me, because then you needed my love. You needed delight, worship. I was defenseless in front of you. After all, everything was done in the name of love. You said tirelessly that you loved me, dad, Helena. And you knew how to portray the intonations of love, gestures. People like you are dangerous to others. You must be isolated so that you cannot harm anyone."

Charlotte, lying on the floor, stares into the darkness, the floorboards soothe the pain in her back, the face shrouded in cigarette smoke looks older and, at the same time, more defenseless. Charlotte recalls the birth: “It hurt, yes. But apart from pain - what?.. what? … no, I don’t remember …”. Charlotte owes her defect to her own mother, who is incapable of emotional contact: “I do not live, I was not even born, I was removed from the mother's body, and it immediately closed again for me and again returned to the gratification of my father, and now, I am already more I do not exist."

And at this time, on the second floor, a simple and ineffable love, the fundamental one that fits into two syllables - MA-MA, is writhing in the cramped throat of Charlotte's youngest daughter Helena.

The narcissistic mother herself remained at a symbiotic stage of development, unable to build boundaries between herself and others. The mother's narcissism is satisfied with situations in which she is unique: the child stops crying when he hears her voice, he smiles at her and only plays with her. But these heavenly bonds soon begin to break as a child, his destiny is to break them and go out into the world of other people. The child begins to notice, react, be interested in other people, which becomes intolerable for the mother's narcissism, she is afraid of losing him, using various tricks so that he stays with her. The child's desire to grow, gain autonomy and develop independence is met with resistance from the narcissistic mother, which leads to an excess of shame in the child.

When a child shows self-will, disobedience and his manifestations significantly deviates from the image of the child that the mother needs, she experiences confusion and embarrassment, especially violently and sharply reacts if other people see the child's imperfection.

The children of such mothers are subsequently incapable of love, since they received only false messages from their mothers. So, the daughter of such a mother is in the future incapable of love for a man, since the mother did not give her such an example. The narcissistic woman relegates her spouse to an attachment, which makes it impossible for the child to respect the father.

Such mothers strive to dress their children smartly, take them to all kinds of circles, and include them in various forms of activity. If such a mother has a more convenient object for satisfying her narcissism, she may abandon her child and be completely uninterested in his life. Subsequently, having lost her nourishment, she can again turn to her child (he is always at hand), but soon leave him again, which, of course, is experienced by the child every time as a disaster. Alas, all the inferiority of the mother will go to the children, for all her mistakes they will have to pay in promissory notes to them.

The constantly changing behavior of the mother towards the child in public and in their absence is also traumatic for the child. In general, the situation is alarming when they shout about love, are overly emotional in manifestations in relation to children in public. We all know women who tirelessly talk about their children, about their all-consuming love for them, but this speech pressure is nothing more than an outlet for feelings of guilt due to the fact that such mothers practically do not communicate with their children.

The behavior of the mother, which creates the effect of a swing, is also especially traumatic for the child. Either the mother is busy with herself, her affairs and career, relationships with a man, then she suddenly returns, throwing all maternal fervor on the child. So, for Eva from “Autumn Sonata” by I. Bergman, when Charlotte was forced to return for a certain time to the role of mother and wife, it turns into a real disaster: “I was fourteen years old, and, not finding anything better, you turned your whole your unspent energy. You destroyed me, but you thought you could make up for lost time. I resisted as best I could. But I never got a chance. I was paralyzed. Still, I was aware of something with all possible clarity: in me there was not an iota of what would be really me, and at the same time was loved or at least accepted by you. Eva, who knew in childhood all the bitterness of an absent mother, in adolescence was still forced to endure the oppressive maternal interest that fell on her, which fundamentally contradicted her manifested femininity.