Popularity From The Cradle. How Parents Use Their Own Children

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Adult ambition, childish tears

Natalya Kozhina, AiF.ru: Svetlana, why do parents make their children real stars of social networks with an army of thousands of subscribers?

Svetlana Merkulova: I must say that this topic is not new. Parents have used their children for their own purposes before, just not on such a scale. From the same series, the desire of adults to give their child to the modeling business, to raise a child prodigy, the desire of a mother to tell on the playground what an extraordinary baby she has, etc. And all this is called in one word - use, because the parent wants to receive significance and recognition through the child. Let me emphasize that this is a virtual illusion of one's own significance and involvement in relationships with a large number of virtual people.

Most often, the stars of social networks are children of well-known parents. In this case, we are talking about a certain degree of professional deformation. Such moms and dads are used to doing everything for show; it is natural for them to show not only their life, but also their child as a part of themselves to the whole world. Sometimes a child becomes an object for parents, which helps them demonstrate themselves as a professional (there are a lot of blogs of little fashionistas on the network).

In fact, no matter what the parents are doing, the child serves the need of adults to satisfy their ambitions, it becomes another way to prove to the world that he is successful and wealthy (for example, “I am a wonderful parent,” “I have the best family,” etc.). etc.).

- Why don't such people start to keep their own blogs and upload themselves to their beloved?

- The most interesting thing is that they run these blogs themselves, but on behalf of their baby. If you listen to the parents of a small child, you can often hear the pronoun "we" instead of "I", "he", "she". Talking about his child, an adult says "we ate, we are sick …". This is a symbiotic relationship, where there is no understanding of separateness, but there is a single organism, it also manifests itself in the statements of the parent, which the father or mother automatically ascribe to the child. And in essence, they use the little person in order to say what they never said in their childhood, or to be this very child. There is a risk of playing too much and not hearing what the child is saying.

You need to be prepared for the fact that if you use your child, then you automatically teach him to use you. If you, instead of listening to the child all the time say something for him, you teach him to speak for you and not hear you.

- Does it make sense to talk to an adult who is trying to make a popular person out of his child, to explain to him some common truths about the same security?

- You can express your opinion, but a person has the right to his own path, he must face the consequences himself. They can overtake him quickly enough, or when the child grows up. You need to be prepared for the fact that if you use your child, then you automatically teach him to use you. If instead of listening to the child, all the time you say something for him, you teach him to speak for you and not hear you. And the common truth is that when we talk about the Internet space, you need to be aware of where you are sending your baby. Different people sit on the net, not all come there with good intentions. Usually, caring parents do not risk their own children this way. I know that according to the rules of one popular resource, you can start your own page only from the age of 14. Now this resource is actively fighting the pages of young children. But many ignore this requirement.

- Do you support this initiative?

In general, yes, the rule to start your page from the age of 14 was born for a reason. People who create social media most likely come from their own experiences, which is why they impose such restrictions.

Did you ask me?

It is absolutely clear that a 2-3 year old child does not need to tell the whole world about himself. He wants to tell about himself only to mom and dad. If you start a blog, then this is primarily a need for an adult. The parent wants to talk about what is happening in his own life.

- Do you think that when the child grows up, he will thank his parents for the huge popularity on social networks?

- Perhaps he will say "thank you", but at the same time there is a likelihood of a backlash. One day your child may say, “Did you ask me? In fact, you have never seen the real me. " What is important is what happens in the family. If the parents and the child have a comfortable relationship specifically for the child, i.e. adults see him, understand him, listen and hear him, are in constant contact with him, and a blog or a social network - a little entertainment - this is one story. But, if mom or dad is completely focused on external beauty, it often happens that the child in this case is simply serving the needs of adults. He loses his personal characteristic, becomes an object for manipulation, without his desires, his feelings. It is absolutely clear that a 2-3-year-old child has no need to tell the whole world about himself. He wants to tell about himself only to mom and dad. If you start a blog, then this is primarily a need for an adult. The parent wants to talk about what is happening in his own life.

- And the parent will object to you: "So what, the child also likes it!"

- Of course I do. Until the age of 6-7, he is not at all critical of the behavior of his parents. Everything that mom and dad do is right, law and non-negotiable. The child is ready to defend this position right up to a fight. Adults often don't think about it. It seems to them that their child gets real pleasure from what is happening. But this happens for one simple reason - the parents like it, which means that the baby will also like it. He will engage in and be carried away by what parents are passionate about. But teenagers, with their critical view of everything around them, and especially of their parents, may well say everything that they think and thought in reality. And this can be an unpleasant and rather painful discovery for adults. After all, it was still good that the child had been silent before. And he was silent, because it never occurred to him that mom and dad could be criticized in some way, he was not capable of this.

- Popularity from the cradle can cause addiction in a child, excessive self-confidence?

- Yes, this is a very narcissistic topic. A child may seriously begin to think: "I am extraordinary, I am perfect!" This is the ideal ground for creating a psychopathic personality - everyone should worship me, wonder, admire me, literally prostrate themselves, because almost God himself came to them. It must be said about the emotional workload of such a child: he must meet high requirements and expectations, and this is rich soil for high anxiety. Children at 3-4 years old have a period of natural narcissism, when the child needs to be admired, to support his success. If you do this beyond measure, then there may be a bias towards psychopathic disorders. Now imagine what happens when a spoiled, "loved" child does not receive universal approval. He turns out to be unprepared for the fact that the world has another side. Someone can treat him indifferently enough, and this is already painful for such a small person.

- Are there any positive aspects of popularity in social networks?

- Oddly enough there is - children learn to be in sight. A habit of "popularity" is developed: the child can calmly withstand the attention of a large number of people who constantly look at him. It organizes, makes him more responsible and independent. Develops leadership qualities. (But, I will make a reservation, it also depends on the personal characteristics of your child.) We can also talk here about early adulthood. If, of course, we consider it as a plus.

- If there are pluses and a significant minus, how to do it so as to eventually find a middle ground?

- We must be aware that a blog and any social network is not life, it is only a part of it. It is clear that the parent uploads information and photos on the Internet that have passed his censorship, only that part of life that the parent himself likes is shown. He creates the image of the child the way he wants to see him. At the same time, it is important not to lose a real connection with your own child. When parents form a certain image on social networks, there is a kind of "split" into what can be shown and what is undesirable; the so-called Persona (what we present to the world) and the Shadow (what is considered bad, condemned). However, the latter still exists, and the parents create this “split” artificially. It is necessary to take care that the child does not have the feeling that it is impossible to be natural in the manifestations of oneself. In general, you should think hard about why you need all this and whether such "glory" of a relationship with a child is worth it. Can he try to demonstrate (if there is such a need) himself to the world directly, and not through a child?

- What is absolutely not worth showing to Internet audiences? I ask, because some parents even come to intimate photos.

- Basic things: the child should not be naked, be in the bathroom. You need to understand that there are quite a few unhealthy people around who begin to fantasize at the sight of such candid pictures. In fact, the Internet space is a large walkway. In its open spaces, you cannot protect your child one hundred percent, so if you post his photo on social networks, do not forget about caution and that it is the parent's function to protect your baby.