The Children Have Grown Up, They Have Forgotten Their Parents. How To Build Relationships?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Some children, whom their parents, according to them, raised in love and surrounded with all sorts of care, having matured, for some reason are not eager to maintain a relationship with mom and dad. Or they even delete their parents from their lives - they go around their house, for weeks, months, sometimes they don't call for years and even say directly: "Leave me alone." Why does this happen? And, most importantly, how to restore communication with adult children who once turned their backs on their parents? Psychologist, Doctor of Psychology Irina Panina (Moscow) answered the questions of the observer of the Interfax portal.

- Irina Nikolaevna, because of what most often people minimize or even stop communicating with their parents?

- As usual, I will argue based on my own opinion and work experience, without pretending to be the ultimate truth. I will try to logically convey my point of view on the problem of "fathers and children".

What is the common reason for discord in any relationship? This is an insult. It is from resentment that lips pout, silence ensues, a boycott is "declared", behavior becomes "harmful" in attempts to … revenge.

What is resentment? It is believed that this is the "official" and "socially adapted" version of such an emotion as anger. The offended person is angry with the one who offended him.

In addition, there is a demand behind every offense. What does it mean? Almost every child expects love and praise from their parents, and almost every parent expects respect and obedience. These are the requirements for each other.

Expectations arise from these demands: "I thought that you would praise me, and you scold me." "I thought you would obey me, and you are self-righteous." And, like most expectations, they don't come true. First disappointment sets in, then anger comes to replace it, because “from somewhere” people know that “it should be like this,” for example, like the Ivanovs from the next doorway or the Sidorovs from the apartment opposite.

In other words, both the child and the adult have judgments about how the relationship should be built. While a child is small, he is forced to obey the will of his parents, although he may suffer from high expectations in his direction. Growing up and gaining independence, he is finally trying to live the way he wants. Mom and Dad do not correspond to the judgments of the child who has taken the wing about "good parents", and he leaves them.

- In what cases is the termination of communication with parents justified, in your opinion?

- You, Irina, apparently expect me to evaluate this behavior so that I, as a "senior comrade", would tell everyone how you can do it and how you can not. I will not do this. Each act is, as a rule, compensation for some kind of personal injury of a person. If a person has decided not to communicate with his parents, it is definitely justified for him, no matter what others say.

Another thing is that, perhaps, such a person was guided by "crooked logic" in his judgments about how his parents treated him. To revise your children's judgments about parents, you can turn to a psychologist or hypnologist and "condemn" or "justify" the parents from the height of their adulthood.

- How to act for parents who realize that in the past they have pushed children away from themselves with their own hands and want to rectify the situation?

- Any changes and projects begin with negotiations. Parents should tell their children that they regret breaking up. If they are truly sorry, ask for a petition. I think, frankly, every parent has something to ask for forgiveness from their child. Out of ignorance or stupidity, from fatigue or from nerves, we all once offended our children. I also recommend coming to family therapy to clarify the true intentions of both parties and, possibly, reunite the family.

- What about mothers and fathers who sincerely wonder why they became enemies for the child?

- That is, your question is about identifying possible causes of "enemy" relations? Based on what I said above, the most likely reason is the overestimated or too specific expectations from the child.

Each person is a unique constellation of personality traits. He has temperament, abilities, capabilities and limitations. Parents want "the best" and urge their son or daughter to play music, quickly eat everything that is put on a plate, be able to tie shoelaces at two years old, learn to read before anyone else in a kindergarten group, be an example of neatness, get only excellent grades at school and obediently fulfill parental aspirations.

It turns out that the child "just the way he is" does not suit the parents. And they decide to "remake" him, because only then (not earlier) will he be worthy of their love. What does the child feel? "They don't love me." "My parents regret that I am not" Masha Taburetkina "and not" Vanya Stulov ".

The main feeling of a little man is that no one loves him the way he is. To receive love, you have to give up your own identity, figuratively speaking - to die … How scary it can be, have you ever wondered?

Why would a child then love parents who want to deprive him of his identity? It's almost a deadly threat when you think about it.

Thus, from my point of view, it is categorically impossible to deprive a child of his own identity, it is impossible to kill him psychologically over and over again. I will not mention the fact that you cannot "beat with a belt", "scold", "torture", because what I said also includes the physical suffering of the child. After all, they beat a child for refusing to obey, for his steadfastness in defending his boundaries.

- If efforts to improve relations with a "bristling" child were in vain, how can parents accept the current state of affairs and not torment themselves with the hope that one day a son or daughter will be filled with love and respect for them?

- Accept the state of affairs … You know, I think when parents show such wisdom, then the old hope will find realization. "What you radiate is what you get."

It is required to return to your child his identity, to allow him to be what he is, to accept him, even in adulthood, with his abilities and limitations, not to "run into" him with demands on how he "should" behave. Show (not for show, but feel) respect for your adult child. Then, perhaps, such parents will receive respect in return, provided that the psyche of their grown-up child is still plastic and has not become completely coarse.

The process of accepting the status quo can be lived through understanding the pain of your child in his childhood. What did the parents give the child when he was little? Pain or love? Even if the parents think they were giving love, does the child agree with this?

If there is a desire to take the first step towards adult children, understand them and give them what they want to receive. What they think is parental love.

This psychological process is quite painful and serious. Usually, parents who gave love to their child through tough upbringing themselves received exactly the same from their parents. It is possible to eliminate this pain of the soul and, as a result, to hug your children, to establish relations with them when working with a specialist, because each case is unique.