The Teenager Does Not Study

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The teenager does not study

And he is rude to everyone, is not interested in anything, does not want to do anything, sits at the computer all day, hangs out with strange companies, is irritable all the time, has changed a lot, began to consume alcohol and cigarettes (and suddenly something worse), threatens to leave home or do something with himself, does not think about his future … These are the "symptoms" that bring parents of children from 12 to 18 (20) years old to us, psychologists. Let's try to figure out what is the cause of all these "troubles" and why hundreds of books, articles and studies on the topic of adolescence did not save society (and most importantly parents) from these torments?

Yes, I did not hesitate to call the time when the child entered the transitional age "torment", because more tender words do not describe the situation that is developing in the house where there is a teenager. In this, by the way, there is already some relief for the reading parent: “Not only with us, so, maybe not everything is so bad with me and my child? “So it is, a little differently, but it’s hard for everyone during this period! And, by the way, for the teenager himself, too, and perhaps even harder than for us, adults.

Why?

Hormonal surge

This is the root from which all the "oddities" of this age grow. It is very important to remember that during this period (12-18 years), already forgotten childhood chronic diseases often begin to bother again, sleeping diseases become aggravated, new ones appear. All this is associated with a weakened immune system during puberty, rapid growth, hormonal and functional changes in the body. The child is physiologically very vulnerable during this period. In the same connection, and sharp mood swings. He himself would be glad to become calm and balanced, but hormones "jump" and the mood changes (this still happens with PMS and the first trimester of pregnancy).

The need for separation (separation)

The human baby remains dependent on maternal care longer than all other mammals. But he too must someday become independent and, given the duration of the addiction, giving up on it will become a difficult task (both for him and for the mother). This is an important psychological meaning of adolescence and at the same time one of the reasons for our "anguish". In order to separate from the mother, the child must “devalue” her internally. Is it possible to refuse tender, beautiful, kind? Of course not. So cute kids begin to provoke moms (and dads at the same time, as well as teachers) to become cursing, boring edifying, eternally pestering "kindred" and "shoelaces". And the easiest way to do this is through: poor academic performance, drinking and the rest, see the list in the first paragraph. But the goal is fulfilled: the mother has become terrible and now you can painlessly abandon her care for yourself (Important: do not forget that all this happens in SUBCONSCIOUSNESS, the child does not realize the reasons for his behavior, and most importantly, he should not, parents should understand them).

From here, by the way, and aggression … The teenager is torn apart by polar feelings: on the one hand, he wants to remain under the care and protection of his mother, on the other, he is ready to separate. And he is angry with his mother that she beckons him so much, but he should become independent, and with himself, that he cannot figure out what he wants. At the same time, aggression can be directed outside - the teenager is insolent, shouts, swears, fights, or maybe inside, and secondly, with dangerous suicidal thoughts and actions.

Finding yourself

This is the leading need for a teenager. When we think that a child does not want anything, is not interested in anything, we are not entirely right. He wants and he learns - he learns to understand himself, to recognize himself. Previously, he taught lessons because he wanted to be good for his mother, he believed in her words that it was important and interesting, but now the time has come for him to figure out what is important, what is interesting to him! At the same time, we recall the rapid growth and sexual development: sexual thoughts and fantasies are inevitably born (at first, also subconscious and incomprehensible to him), which consciousness tries to control and inhibit, and by inhibiting them, other desires are inevitably inhibited, namely: to study, to walk on the section, to learn something new. So he "sticks" in the computer, TV or books - it is important for him to pause! His psyche is so “saved” from overload. School performance is a side effect.

The importance of belonging to a group

The next stage in the process of separation from parents is a change of authority. This is inevitable, but it continues to scare and upset parents. Still, after all, quite recently, the child was happy to communicate with his mother, listened to her, discussed some difficulties and suddenly begins to refuse help, be secretive, devalue her words, closes in his room, and is also rude - all this is very difficult to accept and understand … But it is necessary. Your child will not live with you all his life, it is important for him to find his place among his peers. Teenagers always unite in groups, the only way they can learn to interact with the society in which they then live, so they better understand themselves, among their own kind, so it is easier for them to abandon the care and control of their parents and become independent. They do not yet know who they are and what they need to be, so they are safer in a team.

The question “why” seems to have been cleared up a bit, but now the main thing is: What to do with it? What about us, parents?

You need to take a step to the side to calm down, while you are deep inside the situation, you cannot adequately assess it. And then we recall the previous paragraphs. Hormonal adjustment. Be attentive to the health of a teenager, you should treat him like a person on the verge between health and illness, and there will be enough extra stress, overwork or a strong quarrel to make him sick (and I’m talking about both physical and mental illnesses!). Treat his moods calmly and somewhere with humor. Believe me, he himself feels bad. Do not try to prove to him that you understand him, he will not believe (it is important for him that you DO NOT understand him, because he needs to become separate, different), but say that you see how difficult it is for him and you are worried when he is sad then screaming, then crying, then laughing.

Separation. “Denial” is the main word denoting the inner attitude of a teenager and he cannot do anything about it, this is evolution. Be understanding, try to give him the desired freedom, become as flexible as possible, because the tougher the rules, the more violently he will break them. Understand and accept that your power is less and less, he will still do what he wants, the only question is whether you will know about it or not, whether there will be daily scandals in the house or you will try to come to an agreement.

It is important, nevertheless, to show the boundaries of what is permissible: "You can get angry, you can even sometimes shout and swear, but you cannot insult your parents." The clearer and more accessible these boundaries are, the more likely a teenager will adhere to them. If the prohibitions are easy to comply with, then there is no point in resisting them: “If you stay late - please call me so I don’t worry” is easy to do, and “just try to come after ten” - you want to break it right away, do you understand? You must now "manipulate", creating a kind of illusion of control, because in reality you will be able to control the situation less and less every year.

IMPORTANT! Pay close attention to "quiet protests." If your teenager is very quiet, there is a high likelihood of depression, and it is dangerous with suicidal thoughts and actions. Loud scandals are better than a quiet exit in drugs or suicide. If you understand that your child is increasingly sad and silent - run to a psychologist. Before it's too late.

Find yourself. A decline in academic performance is, unfortunately, the norm in adolescence. Well, there are not enough of them for everything: to experience drastic physical changes (and with them often shame for your changed body), and to restrain sexual impulses, and to protest in order to separate, and try to understand yourself, and comprehend the suddenly fallen realization of the enormity of the world, and prove his individuality … a teenager has a very difficult life, they are thrown from side to side and no one, NOBODY is able to help them really. All that a loved one can do is to be close and to be STABLE (yes, this, by the way, means not to swear and not to be hysterical!). What kind of study is there? Here the question “to be or not to be” is decided, for the first time the question of life and death is really realized, constantly throws into depressive thoughts … Study becomes so insignificant in this whirlpool of “real” life that a teenager simply does not have time to follow it. And I will also remind you of the reality: where now in our country can a child see the situation: “Here he studied for the five and therefore he has a plant, a Ferrari and a salary of half a million”, eh? Exactly - nowhere! And then the biggest misfortune of modern parents is that we cannot really explain to children WHY they need to study well, WHY go to college, WHO needs a diploma? Yes, yes, we are smart, we find answers, some of us even believe in them … But not they, not teenagers. So it turns out - learning them is so difficult because of the internal age-related "passions", and then there is zero motivation. Now go and study. Want to see the answer "What to do to make him learn"? I dont know. It seems to me that it is much more important not to lose touch with your child at this age, then he will not rebel so much that he will completely quit school, and if his "4-5" became in the 8-10 grade "3", then maybe just for now allow him to be a C grade. It sounds awful, I know, but I have never seen strict control make a happy excellent student out of a child, but I have met suicides among excellent students. If he has deuces and the question of expulsion is raised, then, of course, it will be necessary to decide in each case in different ways. You can hire a tutor who will help if the question is in the difficulty of mastering the material, but often the problem is deeper and more psychological than pedagogical. Then it is important to figure out what exactly does not allow the teenager to learn, what he is trying to convey to the parents in this way, and it will be more effective to turn to a psychologist. Talking about studies and "future" is useless, it is necessary to talk about what is happening to him, what worries him and worries, what interests him, what he is offended or angry (but he cannot express it, so he protests at least in his studies).

Belong to a group. If the child has a more or less stable psyche, if there is no inner suffering, if the climate at home is satisfying, then he will not go to the "bad" company, will not join aggressive groups or quiet drug addicts. If a teenager chooses such companies, I again strongly recommend going to a psychologist. No bans will stop him. Psychological pain is the most excruciating for any person, it is easier for him to survive physical pain, the loss of a loved one, the threat of death - than strong internal suffering, so they find "more terrible" outside to drown out what is inside. Prevention of adherence to deviant adolescents is a flexible upbringing position, acceptance and a stable climate in the family.

It so happened that here I more often than in other articles say: "Contact a psychologist" and this is not accidental, and not an advertisement. The fact is that everything that has been accumulating in the child's psyche throughout childhood "breaks through" in puberty (it is loud for someone, quiet for someone, I would write this above, but it breaks through for EVERYONE!). If there was a divorce, and the child "did not notice", if there was the death of a significant person, and the child was not told or he "easily survived and did not cry", if the child himself had operations and after that he changed a little, the child had to be left without a mother until three years for more than 3 nights - all these traumatic events leave traces, scars on the child's psyche, and if at that age his internal mechanisms were enough to protect against breakdown, then in the transition period, we reap the fruits of old traumas in the form of protests, refusals, deviant or delinquent behavior. Therefore, now you, as parents, are given the last chance to fix something, then the person will grow up and will just somehow live with all this, somehow build a family, a career, and drag all this burden along. The best thing you can do for your teenager is to help understand yourself and the easiest way to do this is either in psychological group trainings or in an individual consultation.

Epilogue.

It turned out to be a long article, but you can talk about teenagers forever. This is a whole world, this is an abyss, this is space. When you immerse yourself in this topic, when you try to understand what is THERE, you get lost in the immensity and diversity of what is happening in their world and this is amazing! It is during this period that "adults are born."

I want to wish my parents calmness and patience. More than ever you will need them now. As famous psychologists say: “What should I say to the parents of a teenager? - "You need to SURVIVE!" Survive psychologically, survive emotionally, save yourself. Do not be alone during this period, find some kind of support in the form of friends who have already grown up children, in the form of your parents, in the form of a psychologist. Your teenager will shake your inner "support", and you need to hold on. It is important to remember that now more than ever he needs your stability, you must be that island with a lighthouse, to which a teenager, tired in wandering on stormy waves, can sometimes dock, or he just needs to know (!) That this island exists.