2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
my god yes it's the same rake
could not see in the dark
come on again
yes those
Have you ever noticed that your relationship with the opposite sex is developing according to a similar scenario? As if every time we step on the same rake.. One gets the impression that we are controlled by some unconscious scenario that makes us make repeated mistakes..
This is because such a scenario is "recorded" inside us. No matter how much we change partners, no matter how much we agree with them or with ourselves, that now we will behave differently, our internal scenario remains the same. This means that the relationship is developing in the same way as last time. This will continue until we free ourselves from this scenario. [one]
Where does this script come from and what to do with it?
Each of us had a childhood. And in our childhood we received something from our parents, but we did not receive something. Childhood could be difficult or relatively easy, but no one had it perfect.
And what we did not receive in childhood, we now want to receive from our partners. It can be attention, care, physical contact, home comfort, warmth, praise. We can rely (unconsciously) that a partner will provide for us, increase our self-esteem, obey, or vice versa, take power into their own hands, relieving us of the need to decide something. There are many options for what you can want from a partner.
Seemingly normal human desires, nothing supernatural, right? I want warmth from my wife. I want to take care of my husband. Is that a normal thing?
And now - the most important thing!
The psyche is arranged in such a way that we (unconsciously!) Choose for our partners just such people, from whom it is difficult to get what we want. That is, we first create for ourselves the same situation as in childhood. And then with heroic efforts we try to get out of it.
Cranberry
Imagine that you have come to the market. Let's say for cranberries. We entered the cranberry row. And you see the coveted cranberry, here it is, right in front of you. Ask the seller how much:
- 10,000 per kg.
- How many?! 10,000 ?!
- Well yes. 10000.
- No, I will not buy at that price. Let's go for 300?
- Well there is no way.
At the same time, there are also sellers with cranberries for 300 r / kg standing nearby, 2 meters away from you. But you don't see them. Or you think their cranberries are different. Or it's boring to buy from them.
By the way, about boring. Clients often come to me and say that they are bored in a relationship. In fact, it turns out that this is the first chance in their life to build a healthy relationship. No hysterics, scandals and mutual grievances. But this is boring:
- Dear, give me cranberries!
- Please.
Boredom. No adrenaline, no drive. It seems to us that there is no passion. That this relationship is not real.
We suffer with an uncompromising salesperson and, in the end, leave irritated. We are leaving for another market. But on it we do the same. We see only those who have cranberries for a million.
Again. Follow the logic:
1. We live with the illusion that we will receive from a partner what we did not receive from our parents in childhood. [2]
2. Choose a partner who is similar to the parents. That is, one with which we will not get what we want.
3. We will get the same situation as in childhood with parents. This will allow us to immerse ourselves in our childhood trauma.
4. we are trying to "get out" of this state. But not by growing up. We do not learn to give ourselves what we have not received. And at the expense of the partner. That is, we are trying to change his attitude towards us.
5. It is clear that the partner does not want to change. A conflict arises.
As a result, we have several paths:
1. I don’t need any cranberries! I don’t need a relationship. We are so disappointed that we no longer have a relationship. Or we start, but safe and distant. Another temporary option.
2. And then 10,000! Power Struggle. I didn’t buy a fur coat - there would be no sex. There will be no sex - I will not beat the shelf. I didn't nailed the shelf - the soup was on the table … wipe it off!
3. Well, maybe someday he will agree … We think that by the power of our love we will someday force a person to be what he cannot be. [3]
4. To learn to give to ourselves what we did not receive in childhood. Then we are not dependent on a partner. Then we are free. Then we don't care how much he sells his "cranberries". Then we ourselves have what.
Obviously, the only option that improves life is the latter. Therefore, in a relationship, our task is to find what we want, not in a partner, but in ourselves. Learn to provide yourself with everything you need - on your own. As adults.
In other words, there are two stages of marriage: immature and mature. In the immature stage, we hold the partner accountable for our needs. Actually, this is the very same rake. In the mature stage, we satisfy our needs ourselves. If the partner helped - good, no - I can handle it myself. From experience, this is a situation of second and subsequent marriages.
I'm not stepping on a rake
came across a long time ago
now armed with them
combing my way
@Zhanna Tebieva
For everyone who is more deeply interested in the topic, I recommend reading:
1. Eric Berne “People who play games. Psychology of Human Destiny"
2. James Hollis “Dreams of Eden. In search of a kind wizard"
3. Robin Norwood "Women Who Love Too Much"
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