Bad Mom

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Irina Lukyanova

It is very difficult to be an adult and calmly bend your line when others point their fingers at you and your child and tell you how bad your child is behaving and how bad you are raising him.

The mother hears for the first time that she is a bad mother, quite soon after the birth of the child. Dad enrages that the child is screaming, not sleeping, that the mother takes him in her arms, does not take him in her arms, puts him to bed with her, goes to sleep with him, that she is nervous because of every sneeze, and her apartment is not cleaned. I sat at home all day - what did you do? Was it difficult to clean? Then the grandmothers connect: you feed the wrong way, there is no schedule, he speaks badly with you, you do little with him, you cut a little, you love a little, you grunt a little, everything, everything is wrong!

Then the parents enter the sandbox, the grandmothers at the entrance and the kindergarten teachers. Well, the doctors also, a special article: what do you even think about, do you want to ruin your child? Yes, thank you, I have been striving for this since birth.

By the time the child goes to school, his mother flinches from every word addressed to her, shrinks, expecting a blow, is ready at any moment to quickly hide the child behind her back, turn her face to danger and bared her teeth, like a she-wolf squeezed into a corner, which, with the last bit of strength, protects her wolf cub. Then, however, when she chases the attacker away with barking, howling, clattering of teeth and threatening puffing of fur on the back of the neck, she will give her wolf cub such a beating that it will not seem like a little: how dare you disgrace me? How long will I blush and blush because of you?

At school, of course, mom will not be told anything comforting, except that you need to deal with the child, that you need to do homework with him, that you need to explain to him how to behave, and they will demand that she adjust his behavior in the classroom, like if she had a baby remote control. By the end of school, the mother will already know that her child is worthless, she will not pass the exam, they will not take the janitors, in short, a complete pedagogical fiasco. At home, the father is convinced that the mother spoiled the child with her gentleness, and the grandmothers are sure that she does not even feed him.

Russia is a child-unfriendly country. On vacation, in transport, on the road, on the street, the watchful eyes of fellow citizens are turned to the mother, ready to emit a didactic remark on any occasion. It is not easier in the church, where the rampaging children are not particularly fond of - and the mother of the child who is tired, capricious or went to stomp around the church while reading the Gospel, which just does not hear enough.

Although I know one temple where children who are able to stand at the service, and not hang on their mother, are always invited to stand in front. There they see not the backs of others, but the divine service: how they sing, who is reading, how much is left, what is the father doing … who is tired - is distracted, straightens the candles in the candlesticks, can even sit on a bench. Behind the backs of mothers and grandmothers, who will remind in time when to get up, when to sing, when to cross.

I know grandmothers who, seeing how a child has worn out during a long reading of prayers before communion, can invite mom to hold him in her arms, or even walk with him in the churchyard, so that mom herself will come to herself and pray before communion.

I know a teacher who told her parents for two hours at a meeting - together and then separately - what a wonderful class they have, what great talented children they have, and how great it is to work with them. The parents went home so puzzled that some even bought a cake for tea on the way.

I saw a woman who, on the plane, simply took a aching four-year-old from her battered mother and drew with her in a notebook all the way, read Marshak and Chukovsky with her, played finger games - and even allowed my mother to sleep a little and the neighbors to fly in silence.

I saw another, who, when her chair was kicked from behind by someone else's child, turned around and instead of the sacramental “Mommy, calm your child” said: “Baby, you kick me in the back, it's very unpleasant, please don't do it.”

Once I was driving home in a minibus with a glove bear doll in my bag. Opposite was a girl of about five who was bored. She fidgeted, dangled her legs, pestered her mother with questions, shoved her neighbors. When the bear waved her paw from the bag, she almost fell off the seat in amazement. We played with the bear all the way, and my mother watched with incredulous horror, ready at any moment to take the child away, take the bear, hand it back to me, bark so that her daughter would sit still and motionless - and bite anyone who dares to say something. This is already a conditioned reflex, this is a long-standing habit of not expecting anything good from others.

I remember how my grandmother or grandfather took the screaming baby away from me at night, saying simply "sleep", even though they have to work tomorrow; as a husband, not letting the child and me finish the algebra, he quickly and cheerfully finished his lessons with him, how they insured me, picked up and helped me - at home, friends, colleagues.

I remember a fellow traveler who endured the night screams of my three-year-old daughter on the train, and the saleswoman who gave her a banana when our flight was delayed by 18 hours and a crazed child was rushing around the airport like a bullet. I remember with gratitude those who helped lift the overturned stroller, skipped the queue to the public toilet, held out handkerchiefs when my son was bleeding from his nose on the street, gave just balloons, made a crying child laugh. And it always seems to me that I have an obligation to return it all to other people.

It is difficult for any mother. She does not know everything and does not know everything, she has not always reached that degree of mental maturity, adulthood, benevolence, self-confidence, which allows her to maintain her presence of mind and make the right decisions in any crisis situation. Mom makes mistakes, doing the most important thing and the dearest person in life. She sees this and does not know how to fix them. It already seems to her that she is doing everything wrong and wrong; She is a perfectionist at heart and wants to do everything perfectly, but she cannot be perfect and waits, cringing, that she will now be given a deuce again. No need to hammer it into the hat.

Sometimes it is worth supporting her with a good word, noticing the child's progress, praising her efforts, saying something good to her about her child, unobtrusively offering help. And do not rush to condemn, point a finger, educate and make comments. And if he complains, listen, not lecture. And if he cries, hug and regret.

Because she is a mom, she does the most difficult, thankless, rewarding job in the world. A job that is not paid, praised, promoted, or rewarded. A job in which there are many failures and falls, and too rarely it seems that something has been achieved.

You can not even praise, I guess. Do not help, do not entertain other people's children, do not play with them, do not say good words.

Just do not spit at every turn. There will already be a huge relief.