2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Do you notice how many people speak the language of reproach and devaluation? I think it has become almost the norm for communication. Many people hardly notice how they reproach others. And, of course, this causes reciprocal aggression. Sometimes we talk about such situations of a passing reproach as a conflict that arose out of the blue. The fact is that when reproaches have become a norm or a habit, it is very difficult to identify them as indirect aggression.
But it is reproaches that are a form of psychoemotional violence of one person against another. And many families are mired in such emotional violence hidden from consciousness, bring up their children in this violence, communicate in this language at work, with friends and just acquaintances. And this form of communication is transmitted as the only possible form of communication in society from generation to generation.
So what is a reproach? This accusation and disapproval, which is natural in the person to whom it is expressed, causes a feeling of guilt and a desire to defend and defend against the overwhelming wave of guilt. Naturally, a person begins to defend himself in the same way, reproaching in response. It turns out a game of ping-pong, in which the feeling of guilt serves as a ball. Guilt-tinged relationships become toxic and unbearable. They deprive both partners of the freedom to choose. Since there is always a fear of being guilty and all actions and words in such a relationship are aimed at avoiding falling into feelings of guilt.
How do you recognize a reproach?
It always looks like "You are the message": "You did something wrong and wrong again.. You did something wrong.. You do it wrong." This is always a judgment from the position: "I evaluate your actions as bad." But I am not talking about myself and my attitude to your actions, but I am talking about you and I condemn you.
If you communicate like this for a long time in the language of reproaches, then such a relationship as a result comes to a sad end. And it doesn't matter if the partners are divorced or not. It's just that the relationship becomes hostile and toxic. In such a relationship, the body can get sick with a serious illness and infidelity is a common case and other dramatic situations.
What is the substitute for reproach?
Behind the reproach there is always an unsatisfied desire, the need of the reproaching person. That is, he wants to ask for something, but chooses for this a form of reproach, the form to which he is accustomed in the process of his development and to which his parents taught him. The fact is that parents sometimes do not know how to make a child comfortable and obedient and often manipulate it on the basis of a sense of guilt. But the guilty, as we know, is easier to manage. And now such a child grows up and it turns out that he has no other language other than reproach, and he himself turns out to be sensitive only to reproaches. Since the need is behind the reproach, it can be replaced with a request.
The alternative to reproach is to ask
A request is always a “I-message”. If I don’t like something in your behavior, then I always have a choice how to say it to you: either “you’re bad” or “I’m upset and I don’t like it and I ask you not to do this to me anymore or I I ask you to talk to me like that. " Note that there is no reproach in the "I-message", and therefore you do not include defensive aggression in your partner, do not fall into his feelings of guilt. There is a difference for you in saying: "You scared me" and "I was scared, don't do this anymore, it scares me." One and the same thing but said differently. The first is a reproach and "you-message", and the second is "I-message" and a request. So if you try to turn each of your reproaches into a request, then your relationship will cease to collapse further and destroy your health.
By the way, “You reproach me” is a reproach too, and “I hear it as a reproach, please translate it into a request” is no longer a reproach, but a request.
One more thing I would like to say in connection with the request.
Once I worked like this with a partner to stop reproaching each other. And I noticed how a request can be misunderstood. A request is something that implies both consent and refusal. Keep this in mind when you ask.
Reproach does not imply a refusal, since the refusal will always overtake guilt. In reproach, there is no right to refuse and there is no freedom of choice. So, the main thing is not to turn the request into violence. If you've already been told no, then leave the person alone. All people, including you, have the right to “no”. If you continue to insist in your request that your partner fulfills your desire, then you are already moving on to violence. In fact, we blame only because we want to deprive another person of the right to deny us.
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