I WANT And I Will

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Mikhail Labkovsky Source

The advice “to do only what you want” is perceived by our citizens as a call to anarchy. They consider their greatest desires to be certainly base, vicious, dangerous to others. People are sure that they are secret lawlessness and are simply afraid to give themselves free rein! I see this as a serious symptom of a general neurosis.

You tell the person: do what you want! And he: what are you! Is it possible ?!

The answer is: if you consider yourself a good person, then yes. It is possible and necessary. The desires of a good person coincide with the interests of others.

Six rules that have helped dozens of people to get out of neurosis are the result of 30 years of practice. This does not mean that I have been thinking about them for 30 years. Rather, one day they themselves spontaneously lined up, like the periodic table in Mendeleev's head when he woke up.

The rules are simple at first glance:

1. Do only what you want.
2. Do not do what you don’t want to do.
3. Immediately talk about what you don't like.
4. Not answering when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. When clarifying a relationship, talk only about yourself.

Let me explain how they work. Every neurotic, as early as childhood, receives a certain stimulus in his life, and not even one. Since this is an annoyingly repetitive stimulus, the child's psyche develops the same stereotypical reactions to it. For example, parents yell - the child gets scared and withdraws into himself, and since they are constantly yelling, the child is constantly in fear and depressed state. It grows and the behavior continues to take hold. An irritant is a reaction, an irritant is a reaction. This is how it goes year after year. During this time, strong nerve connections are formed in the brain, the so-called reflex arc - nerve cells lined up in a certain way, which make them react in the usual way to any similar stimulus. (And if the child was beaten or abandoned altogether? Can you imagine what reactions he develops to life?)

So, in order to help a person overcome fears, anxieties, insecurity, low self-esteem, this arc must be broken. Create new connections, their new order. And there is only one way to do this "without the use of lobotomy": with the help of actions unusual for a neurotic.

He needs to start acting differently, breaking his behavioral stereotypes. And when there are clear instructions on how to behave in each specific situation, it is easier to change. Not thinking, not reflecting, not referring to my own (negative) experience. For life in general, it doesn't matter what you think - only what you feel and what you do matters.

My rules suggest a way of behavior that is completely unusual for neurotics and, on the contrary, characteristic of mentally healthy people: calm, independent, with high self-esteem, those who love themselves.

Point one evokes the greatest resistance, a mass of questions, doubts, and accusations against me. They say to me: what is this? "Love yourself, sneeze at everyone, and success awaits you in life"? Although I never and nowhere speak about "give a damn at all".

For some reason, everyone stubbornly believes that living the way you want yourself means living to the detriment of others. In addition, in our society there is a contemptuous attitude towards our own desires, as if they must necessarily be base. And vicious. I would even say that our citizens treat their desires with apprehension or even fear. The concept is: “Just give me freedom! I uuuh! Then I will not be stopped! (Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll or like “I'm going to kill everyone here!” And “I'm scared in anger!)” If that's true what he wants, then what kind of person is this? Further, he usually admits that he needs a firm hand, a strong bridle, and so on. In my opinion, such a psychology is called slavish.

There is one more concept. Mom's favorite cry after (perhaps, father) was: "You can't live as you want!" And what worse did she say about those who live like that (perhaps about their father). My grandmother had a saying: “We do not live for joy, but for conscience,” and the whole family had a sign: if we laugh a lot today, then tomorrow we will cry. The result is that a person with an anxious psyche is organically unable to do what he wants. He cannot even determine what exactly he wants. He seems to be guilty in advance and is sure that reckoning will come for fulfilled desires and therefore preventively it is necessary to behave "as it should".

And yet “do what you want” is often confused with “being selfish”. But there is a big difference! The egoist does not accept himself and cannot calm down in any way. He is absolutely fixated on himself, his problems and inner experiences, the main of which is the feeling of resentment. He cannot help you or sympathize not at all because he is so bad, but because he does not have the mental strength to do it. After all, he has a stormy, exciting relationship with himself. And it seems to everyone that he is insensitive, callous, cold, that he does not give a damn about everyone, but at this time he thinks that it is just about him that everyone does not care! And he continues to accumulate grievances.

And who is a person who loves himself? This is the one who will always choose the business to which his soul lies. And when it is necessary to decide what to do, he may figure out what is effective, what is reasonable, as the sense of duty dictates, and then he will do as he WANTS. Even if you lose money on it. And he has a lot to lose. But who should he be offended at? He is fine. He lives among those whom he loves, he works where he likes … He has everything agreed with him and harmoniously, and therefore he is kind to others and open to the world. And he also respects other people's desires as much as he respects his own.

And by the way, this is precisely why he does not have that inner conflict that is characteristic of neurotics who live a double life. For example, with a wife - out of a sense of duty, and with a mistress just out of a feeling. And then he buys a gift for his wife because "it is necessary", and not because he WANTS to please her. Or he goes to work because he likes what he does, and not because he has a loan and hopes to endure five more years in this office hell. Here it is - duality!

Wanting to achieve results, many consider it their duty to fight with themselves, suppress emotions, say to themselves: nothing, I'll get used to it! The result, achieved without struggle and self-overcoming, they, apparently, are not happy. Here is a universal example of such a struggle: on the one hand, she wants to eat, and on the other, she wants to lose weight. And even if he loses weight, he loses. She loses to herself because she still dreams of a cake, especially closer to one in the morning. (We will talk about the connection between overweight, overeating and neuroses of all stripes. And the connection is direct).

Well, roughly what I say to my clients when I explain the first and probably the most important of my six rules. By which, by the way, I myself try to live. And I will not pretend that it was easy for me. It takes a lot of effort to “live the way you want” at first. The psyche habitually leads you along the path of compromises and fears, and you catch yourself by the hand and say: damn, what am I doing? I don’t want that! And so many times, after which it becomes easier and easier to make decisions. In their favor, but not to the detriment of someone. I know that I am a good person, which means that my desires will not create problems for anyone.

And to be honest, it becomes easier and easier to live. Moreover, after training, after a while you can no longer do otherwise. Sometimes you think “to act rationally”, but contrary to desire and will, but the body is already resisting.. Until you give up what you really do not want, but seems to be necessary. And joy comes. True, in this way I have recently lost a decent income, but better income than health and joy.