Correct Request Or How Can I Help You?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Typical complaints at the first consultation: “I don’t understand - how could she do that?”, “I am not married. Somehow it doesn't add up. Help”,“The child is behaving simply unbearably! I already punished him. Tell me, am I right? "," Here I was offered such a choice. Can not decide. What should I do?". You can continue indefinitely. It seems that all requests are different. And the topics are different, and the conflicts. But there is something in common that invariably lumps such queries into one category.

This generality can also be expressed in the form of a question: how exactly can I help you?

A person came to a psychologist with indignation about the unacceptable behavior of a third person and craves, requires understanding. It can be understood. But then he came for the psychologist to tell him that this very third person ah-ah-ay how wrong he had done to him. And this is how it is, this face, not good. And the psychologist is silent. Well, or asks questions leading to the fact that what do you actually want to change? Understand "how could she"? What is there to answer? Well, a psychologist cannot tell you the motives of a third person, whom he has never seen and does not know, and even explain them in an accessible form. Here it would be to figure out - why is it so hooked on you? What did you feel? How did you behave? Have you encountered this before? How did your mother tell you as a child? And let's go from this place in more detail … And instead of approval, a person gets an analysis of the family concept and a huge resource for studying oneself beloved.

The second option is even better. You can immediately ask - and I HOW can I help you? Do you want to get married? Wonderful. What do you want to get from me for this? Well, not the phone number of a young, promising and unmarried banker, right? No, it would not be bad, but the psychologist does not have such phones. And there is an opportunity to formulate your request in a different way, to explore femininity, family model, contradictions in ideas. Difficult, from afar, sometimes digging into bad experiences and childhood memories. What about self-esteem? Who wants to marry, you or your mother demands? And further, further along the untapped paths of understanding and accepting oneself. And quietly in my head the cause and effect are swapping places from "loved, then happy" to "happy, then loved."

Mom, too, is waiting for approval of her actions, paints the unbearable offspring in paints. And she waits, waits … When the kind psychologist will support her and say that she did everything right. Relieve guilt. And again, the psychologist does not give what she wants, but gives what she needs. Boundaries, understanding, acceptance. Also childhood. And the mother leaves, thinking hard - is it really only in the child that all the problems are?

And the most wonderful thing is the choice. Make a decision for me! Today I came across a wonderful anecdote on the network:

“The top manager was fed up with everything, he spat on big business and left for the outback. I found a collective farm, came to the chairman and asked to hire him.

The chairman looks at this dandy: neat hair, nails, white shirt. Speaks:

- Man, you did not come there. This is not your job.

The manager convinces:

- I can work 18 hours a day, I don't smoke, I don't drink. Give me any job, I will prove to you that I can handle it.

And the chairman decided to teach the city dandy a lesson - he instructed him to clean the cowshed filled with manure to a shine to a shine. By evening, the barn was shining.

On the second day, the chairman, without losing hope, instructed the manager to unscrew the heads of all the chickens in the henhouse. By evening, the headless chicken carcasses were neatly arranged in boxes and ready to be shipped to customers.

It was then that the chairman realized how lucky he was and, in order not to lose such a valuable employee, he decided on the third day to give him the simplest task - to calibrate the potatoes. In the morning, he gave the manager a bag of potatoes and instructed him to put the small ones on the right, the large ones on the left.

When he came in the evening, the manager was sitting in front of a full sack, nothing sorted, all red, a tie on his side, holding a potato in his hands and looking at her with hatred.

- How so??? When I asked you to clean out a barn that hadn't been cleaned for five years, by evening it shone. When I asked you to unscrew the heads of a whole chicken coop, by evening everything was done. But why, when I asked you about the simplest thing - to spread the potatoes depending on their size, you did not manage ???

- Don't you understand? There and then it is necessary to constantly MAKE DECISIONS!"

How you want to shift your responsibility for the decision onto someone! For mom, dad, husband, boss, at worst - for a psychologist. What if it doesn't work out? At least there will be someone to scold at your leisure. But no. Again, an evil psychologist does not give advice, but teaches us to make informed decisions and be responsible for them.

Every second client comes with the wrong request, with which he will later work. Every third is trying to simply get approval or shift responsibility or blame onto the shoulders of a psychologist.

But how good it is that they come! After all, a correctly posed question is 90% of the answer. A correctly formulated request is already a huge resource for a person in solving his problems.

Good luck to all clients, in search of your ideal specialist, and to psychologists - patience and professionalism.