2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One day a miracle will happen to us, and we will learn to live with doubt.
We all want to get some guarantees from life, but we forget one truth: life does not give any guarantees, but provides as many opportunities as we want. We are afraid of change because we are not ready for it. We live in our little world of illusions and repeat: "alive, healthy, and thanks for that." We want stability from the relationship, from the partner of vows and guarantees. We are afraid of losing the right to infantilism and taking as a basis the fact that constancy is not a sign of skill, but of degradation.
Mental health and maturity is about living with doubts. You can be sure only in death and irreversibility of changes.
For a mature person, there is probably no concept of stress. There are tasks and solutions. But we should at least grow to a psychological adult. Learn to count on your own support and recognize yourself as the author of your own life.
The sphere of relations is no exception. Probably, like no other sphere of life, it is shrouded in many illusions and dreams. There is nothing wrong with the world of dreams, except that one day you have to wake up. And to be face to face with reality: doubts were and will be a part of our life.
A mature relationship is the result of a lot of work. But work is not on the orchestra, not in place of him. This is an inner work on oneself. If we decide to be persistent in this matter, then we should abandon the idea that someone else will be able to guarantee our safety.
Then the relationship becomes a gift. Then they are not burdened with false ideas about who owes what to whom. Where illusion ends, maturity begins. A mature relationship is not about obligation or safety. There are always doubts and will always be here. "Forever" is a word from fairy tales. In a mature relationship, there will be no prize for good behavior and diligent service. Maximum, will be given a medal "Marriage".
Warranties can be attached to what has instructions for use. But how does this relate to human relationships?
I am convinced that many have read the instructions on how to avoid divorce, how to manage the desires of a partner, how to get married, etc.
And in the end? Does it give you a sense of security and confidence?
More likely no than yes.
The state of helplessness is so frightening that many prefer to slide into infantilism and plunge into childhood illusions.
They are of three types.
1. The illusion of immortality
Thoughts of death are frightening. The psyche freezes any feelings about this fact. This leads to the fact that life is postponed "for later". “Someday” is what gets in the way of enjoying happiness now. Being in captivity of this illusion is to escape from the thoughts "Who am I, why am I here, what I have, how can I influence what is happening, what can I do right now for my relationship." Understanding the finiteness of our life allows us to focus on the little things and take simple little actions with our partner. We know well how to measure distance, time, weight, but we do not attach importance to how to measure love.
Do you think love is impossible to measure?
And the number of quarrels, affectionate words, hours together, said "yes", touches, calls, reproaches, refusals, sincere conversations, kisses …?
Rejection of the illusion of immortality leads to the fact that we stop waiting for suitable conditions and follow the only useful life instruction for beginners - start. We begin to appreciate our beloved smile, the cat's rumbling, the smell of freshly cut grass and every new day, as this is another chance to live life differently. We begin to think about death as a given and appreciate life more, with all its ups and downs. So ambiguous, insecure and full of doubts.
2. The illusion of one's own omnipotence
It manifests itself in the refusal to accept that which does not depend on us. The tendency to build complex mental structures, rationalize, bargain with the universe is nothing more than a way of psychological defense against the inability to accept that we are losing to reality in 100% of cases. We can say with 100% certainty that nothing can be changed in the past, regardless of any "if only …"
The same goes for the future. Constant wandering in the future and thinking through options does not take away fears, but, on the contrary, inflates them. Fear of the future is a very insidious thing. Disgusting and corrosive sensation. Getting rid of it is possible only by realizing how illusory it is. Don't worry about what happens next. Then it consists of many now.
The toxic effect of this illusion is reduced due to the experience of living one's own powerlessness. Powerlessness is not weakness, but the return to oneself of the right to be able to do something wrong, the right to make a mistake and a personal life story. Yesterday is an experience, tomorrow is a probability, today is life.
3. The illusion of justice in the world
“If you behave well, nothing bad will happen to you,” is a typical child's conclusion. Only the creator of this world conceived everything differently, not relying on our ideas about justice. The world is as it is. The idea of fairness is a human way of manipulation. Anything that has to do with influencing our feelings of guilt, shame, pride is manipulation.
This illusion instills in us an attitude of obligation, when we live with the conviction that someone owes us something. The world should, the partner should, the parents should. As soon as this attitude settles in our head, resentments, dissatisfaction, depression immediately enter our life.
Obligation kills all living sexual energy in a relationship and feels like a burden on your shoulders. The "he must" attitude, without differentiation on the partner's personal desires, deprives the relationship of passion.
Difficult and unforeseen situations happen, and this is part of our life. Life is not a quiet and secluded place to sit out. None of the instructions for use guarantee that nothing bad will happen to us. We can control something in our life, but we cannot. It is important to distinguish one from the other.
Feelings are not about guarantees, control, and confidence. The best thing we can do for our relationship is to mentally part with a partner and admit that there should be a distance between us, and each of us has the right to our own lives and decisions.
The longer we delay in adopting this approach as a basis, the more strangers we will become to each other. Not counting on much, we do not risk being disappointed.
Life is about contrast, duality, contradictions and paradoxes. The more comfortable we feel with these feelings, the easier it is to experience happiness. The more we are attached to the concepts of duty, justice, rules, dogmas, black and white thinking, the more we are doomed to suffering.
True acceptance is about accepting every moment with your loved one as a great gift, because it will never be the same again.
And despite all the ambiguity of life, we always have the opportunity to choose and be responsible for our choice.
The right to choose and reject.
There is a rule in management: every day, if you decided not to fire your employees, you simultaneously made the decision to hire them again. And if so, do not scold them, do not criticize them for their mistakes, do not blame them for their failures. Either fire them, since they are so bad, or work with what you have.
It's the same in personal relationships. Waking up in the morning, if we decided to be together, then we decided to choose our partner again among various options. And is there any point during the day to blame him for his mood or for not meeting our expectations, if we have already decided to be with him. Every day we choose a person over and over again to spend the whole day of our life with him. In creation or destruction - it's up to us. Choose us.
Otherwise, life will choose for us, and we will have to go along a strange and meaningless path.
Every day, with our imperfections, we approach the imperfections of a partner: we consider, study and make a choice: to love it or to refuse it as alien to our inner world. If you love, then be there without the usual defenses, without immature fantasies and external attitudes. If you love, then give yourself the opportunity to be natural, without deceiving the one who is next to you. Fearfully? Of course … It's scary to hell, because there is no certainty that on the other side of the contact we will be met, accepted and understood.
It is necessary to learn to give up guarantees and rights. We are all changing. Relationships are changing. From mad love to the calm attraction of the soul to the soul. Real feelings are not on display. They are always raw, in the sense that every moment new potential and new opportunities arise in them. They are not sleek and polished like expensive Italian furniture. They always have flaws, but this does not make them miserable, but makes them natural. They are believable, and the truth never shines.
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