When The Psychologist Looks In The Face Of Death

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I sometimes face suicide at work. For some reason I do not like this word. Somehow "death" sounds different.

The first time I saw her close up was when I collided myself.

Second time at work. And I was scared, anxious, my hands were shaking. And it was a shame. I am ashamed of the triviality that I bring to the client, unable to withstand his pain. I am ashamed of my well-being and health. I am ashamed of my impotence …

And today I again looked into the face of death.

I have lived a lot during these 30 minutes of conversation with the client.

I really want to share with you.

Anxiety and fear first. Oncology. Hopelessness. Endless physical pain and painkillers in contraindications !!! 4 years of human torment !!!

Tears. So quiet, deep, slow. Despair.

She lives for her mother, she is afraid to hurt her with his death.

But he wants not to feel pain. And there is only one way out - death.

And I listen to myself. What happened with me?

Trembling. In the face of Death. I will not even start babbling yet, but she will already smell the falsity … Everything here is real, pure, some kind of nakedness, brutally real.

And I say that I sympathize and want to find real sincere words for her, so that they come from the heart, not from the head. I can't help her ease her suffering. But I can stay. And I want to do it sincerely, without falsehood. And it's a pity that this is a phone, I would have touched her hand …

And I also wonder how, with such pain, her soul is alive. How she retains love and compassion for her mother. How she dared to call me.

I feel respect.

Morality, humanism and everything else … Suddenly disgusted.

It is the sacred right of every person to conclude a contract with God, his own, personal, not concerning ANYONE, and to terminate it. Then, when the Man himself decides. To hell with the pride of the rescuers, it's not for us to decide other people's Fates. I tell her about my respect for her decision. Yes, I have no right to interfere with her Life. And this is her personal decision, her conversation with God. I'm nobody here. BUT … I really want this decision to be so balanced that it would be postponed the maximum number of times … until later …

I say this to her and hear her breathing … This is such an important moment … I FEEL that she BELIEVES me! I speak from feelings, and then a lump rolls up to my throat …

Yes, I would like to say "please live, it is not for us to decide, if life is given to us, we must live, with or without meaning …". But who am I to say this ?! I can only say that I will be sincerely glad if I still hear her voice …

Death. The Mexicans are right when they call her Saint. Doubts, fears, problems … How everything becomes visible and direct before the holy face of Death. Do you want to make the right decision? Start enjoying life? Imagine that you die tomorrow … To be honest, imagine … And you will have no questions or doubts. Death will show you everything on its clean palms. She will show you the value of everything!

Only holy Death will give you a real thrill from life, from every second of I-AM, from every breath … Feel life - THIS IS IT!

And finally … I remember my old dream. I walk along the street, and all around me there is noise, fun, a magnificent carnival, feathers, masks … And a huge luxurious carriage is going. Slowly, imposingly. I stop. And from the window peeps out a long, stately, dark … My death. It seemed strange to me - Death in the middle of the carnival. Nothing strange! Where there is life, there is death. And only by looking into her eye sockets, you can feel this celebration of life to the bone!

The call ended with a promise to call again …