Anatomy Of Infidelity

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Andrey Zlotnikov for TSN

Traitors and cheaters were stoned to death two or three thousand years ago, and now the spouses can live happily together after the betrayal was discovered and recognized. Of course, if they can understand the reasons for betrayal, forgive each other and determine common goals for the future.

It is best when a couple tries to understand these reasons in the office of a specialist - a psychotherapist, sex therapist, mediator and / or clergyman. This is the case when the third is not superfluous. Firstly, so that the clarification of the situation does not develop into swearing or, even worse, a fight. Secondly, it is better to have an expert nearby with skills in working with couples plus knowledge of family psychology and conflict management.

At any stage of a couple's life - meeting, time of falling in love, living together, wedding, everyday life, childbirth, life as a three (we have five, plus grandparents), growing up children, releasing them into adulthood and venerable age - maybe there are many explicit and latent conflict situations.

After all, each of the two adults has his own needs, motives, values. Family life is a daily job. And if the spouses do not have the skill to negotiate, communicate, be sincerely interested in the life of their spouse, then the ground for treason is laid.

The main reason for cheating is unmet needs

Let's start with a basic need - sex … Each of the spouses has a specific need for sexual contacts - frequency, time, posture, type. It often happens that the spouses are different. For example, vaginismus, when sexual contact brings pain to a woman, but she is embarrassed to admit it to her husband and avoids intimacy. And at the same time does not go to the doctor. That is, there is an objective reason, but since the husband does not know about it, he begins to build his own versions. A man thinks that he is not at all as attractive as he imagines himself, that his wife is cold and frigid. And in the end, he is looking for the satisfaction of his needs on the side.

The next important need is freedom … Although people live together, it is desirable to provide space for life to the other. We are so arranged that there is a need in us for loneliness. Relax, sleep, be in silence. It seems reasonable to me when there is time for hobbies - sports, fitness, dancing, yoga. Yes, there is a risk that in these classes the other half may meet someone and decide to cheat. But as for me, this is no more risky than keeping her on a chain. If a person is deprived of free space, this threatens him with the accumulation of aggression and emotional exhaustion. Therefore, it is worth trying to find a balance together so that the interests of each family member are taken into account.

Need in recognition and support. Lovers and mistresses have a gift for discovering talents and giving support to their beloved. At consultations you literally hear - he (a) understands me like no one else. Appreciates like no other. This, of course, can be manipulation in order to induce just such an attitude, but it sounds sincere.

This understanding can be explained by a psychological phenomenon - the idealization of the beloved (oh), which allows you to notice his (her) strengths.

If we see a person as he is, we make him worse than he is. But if we consider him the way he should be, we let him become what he could become J. W. Goethe

So try not to evaluate your other half with a cold mind, but do it with your heart. And then you can open up a lot of potential in your loved one. Those who have children may remember how we are patient with the first steps, falls, words, slips, etc. kids. The parent's enthusiasm does not disappear, but remains high in order to rejoice at every step and sweet "boo-go" of his child. So why do we often treat children (cats, dogs) better than wives and husbands?

The need for variety. I'm bored with him (her). It's not about a spouse who is tired of the day dancing a belly dance or something. But rather about the ability to make each other pleasant surprises, give gifts, bring interest and drive to life. The classic of Soviet cinematography perfectly visualizes this theme in the film "The Bat", when in five minutes the spouses completely switched roles. The recipes for making family life more diverse are very individual. But it is possible - just allow yourself to fantasize and dream. You can realize twenty percent without a doubt.

Revenge. This is a childish (infantile) motive for treason. The script looks like this - "Oh, you cheated on me, then I will do the same." An attempt to hurt your neighbor, to take revenge on him in response to your own disappointment. And there are plenty of reasons for disappointment. In addition to revenge by betrayal in response to betrayal, it can be resentment against relatives, envy of success, jealousy, reaction to the devaluation of a partner. There is no place for revenge in the role model of an "adult" person. A holistic and harmonious person will accept the choice of a partner. Will ask questions, strive to understand, and then decide what to do. How to build up communication with relatives so that there is a minimum of discomfort. How to achieve success yourself. How not to feel jealous, but to enjoy social recognition and feel your own worth.

Another of the main reasons for betrayal is character traits. Different psychological schools and teachings answer this question in different ways. Each answer is quite appropriate and has a right to exist.

The psychoanalyst could say that we are taking revenge on the mother (father) in the person of the spouse. Renowned psychiatrist Irwin Yalom gives an example of his client feeling the need to have sex every day. He rationalized this and explained to himself various reasons for this behavior, but the deep need, which included the trigger for finding a partner, was the fear of death.

A person with narcissistic traits will seek recognition in each partner, and after receiving it, devalue and look for a new partner, and so on ad infinitum. For him, treason is a way to prove his own worth, which is deliberately doomed to failure.

There is a theory according to which we unconsciously repeat parental scenarios and the chances of cheating increase if a similar situation took place in the parental family.

Another horror story about the sadomasochistic character warehouse. There is a basic need to torment loved ones and suffer. Doing wrong and feeling guilty. Then betrayal acts as one of the ways to experience torment and pleasure.

I think I have listed enough reasons for cheating and now we can summarize:

- the secret must be made explicit in the relationship so that the partner does not speculate the situation;

- there is a possibility that the partner will change, regardless of our efforts and efforts, only due to personal characteristics;

- for effective work with family problems, it is worth resorting to the services of a professional so as not to break the woods.

UpDate:

Readers ask: Doctor, where is the diagnosis and the prescription?:) The reasons are clear.

The patient is told about the reasons, they are the source for healing, but people always suffer from the consequences, and especially in neglected forms.

I answer:

Each case and each person is an individuality. It should be noted that here the individuality is multiplied by at least two (since we are talking about a couple), six (parental family), eight (grandparents) plus the social and cultural level of development of each. The number of combinations is such that the tangled knot is unique. You can untangle it together, knot by knot. If you are willing to work on this topic - write, call.