Anatomy Of Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The magic word "love" still excites the imagination of most people, and women - especially. And it is used constantly in various contexts: “I forgive everything, everything! This is such a strong love!”,“I don’t know why I don’t leave him, although it’s humiliating to stay after everything… I love it all the same, probably…”,“Oh, when I look at him! He has such a look, fascinating, I don't understand … This is love! " She supposedly explains everything, even sometimes the strangest aspects of a relationship. It is supposed to be incomprehensible, referred to the higher spheres and not dependent on the mind and will of a person - Love has come / gone, and "you cannot order your heart." Is it so?

Here we do not pretend to comprehend love as a phenomenon of the near-mythical and sublime. Rather, we want to make a more cynical attempt to understand the nature of those mental mechanisms that are involved in the emergence of various emotions, desires and attachments that receive the label "Love" at the exit. We will not disregard the opinions of well-known psychotherapists - modern "doctors", and sometimes even pathologists of relations.

My friend Natalya is 30 years old, and she wants not just to get married and have children. No, first of all, she wants to meet the Man and the Love of her life. She is smart, very pretty and knows how to present herself. She never had a shortage of boyfriends. At the same time, the same story has been observed for many years in a row - Natalya begins to meet with a very worthy and interesting man, and the relationship always develops rapidly. A month later, she announces to her friends that she loves him and “with him - as never before and with anyone”! Their relationship is romantic, beautiful, full of passion and enthusiasm from each other. But soon the "thunderstorm front" begins to approach. It turns out that the young man is tied up in some kind of close relationship with another woman, in the role of which is a constant but annoying girl, then an ex-wife, then a mother, or even a daughter from his first marriage … Natalia begins to fight for the status of “the main and only "In the life of a loved one, and the degree of her love for her chosen one is steadily increasing. The result of exhausting battles is the final choice of a weary chosen one of a relationship with someone one. If this is Natalya, then in this case the seemingly acquired cloudless happiness does not last long, and after dramatic quarrels due to the insufficiently selfless devotion of his beloved, who has already become very nervous, the man ends the relationship, and Natalya continues to passionately love him and want back. But not for long. A couple of months later, another prince appears on the horizon. “Oh, is the new boyfriend already Sergey? And what, does she love him as much as she does Maxima? Or was Maxim before Vova? " - common acquaintances are confused in the annals of her personal life. "Girls, I'm wearing a crown of celibacy, probably," Natalya sighs resignedly, "to go to a fortune-teller or something …"

Why do love relationships often move in a vicious circle? What does an initially great relationship turn into? Is it fate, damage, or the result of our unconscious contribution to the organization of such relationships, including? Or maybe "just love like that" is impossible without problems and dramas? Let's try to figure it out in order.

A RIVER BEGINS WITH A BLUE STREAM … Well, love begins with falling in love.

Falling in love and love - many use these two words interchangeably. And many people are sure that there is no difference between them. The opinion of leading psychoanalysts, for example, Otto Kernberg, President of the International Psychoanalytic Association and author of the book “Relationships of Love. Norm and Pathology”, testifies to the opposite. Most relationships between a man and a woman, one way or another called "love", begin precisely with falling in love, which is, as analysts believe, a special state of idealization. The chosen one seems to be a wonderful person, the very best, to be with him - happiness, there is a surge of energy, a special meaning of life … People seem to be fascinated and bewitched by each other. It is not surprising that many people think that this is exactly what love is. Where does “love” of such intensity fly away?

The point is that idealization diminishes over time. Often the ideal is projected entirely, without regard to reality. If it says: kind, reliable, strong, then it is enough for a man to demonstrate at least a hint of kindness so that he is already registered as both reliable and strong … Over time, it turns out that this is not entirely true, and then idealization fails … And the more intense it was, the greater the disappointment. “Several years have passed, I look at this man and think - is it really my husband? Who is this?! I don't know him at all. Where were my eyes when I got married ?!”,“He could not make me happy! He turned out to be a bastard, but I thought he was so … different …"

Usually, falling in love lasts, on average, about a year (therefore, the year of a relationship is often recorded in a time of crisis) or until living together, the appearance of serious difficulties, that is, until the time or circumstances begin to correct this idealization. There is, in fact, nothing wrong with this - it contributes to a more realistic view of the chosen one, and the relationship, thus, can move to the next level, or can be completed in time, due to the real incompatibility of partners. However, excessive idealization often turns into an equally intense devaluation of a partner, who is caught in shortcomings as betrayal and deception. And passionate love turns into no less passionate hatred.

There are also quite dramatic versions of relationship scenarios, where things never go beyond falling in love - while the object of sighing is inaccessible and must be conquered, there is passionate love that disappears as soon as the trophy goes to the "winner", and the euphoria of triumph quickly disappears. Recently, such a desired object is already causing indifference with a slight aftertaste of regret and emptiness (it is not for nothing that Pechorin has already received the title of "hero of our time"). “I realized that I was not falling in love with a person. I like the state,”said one narcissistic client. The underlying fear of close real relationships and the inability to trust another are especially obvious in cases when the whole life is put on such “strong love” for an inaccessible person (it happens, and the deceased already), in which there is no place for living human relations with someone who fall short of the sacredly guarded ideal.

In women, falling in love is often more dramatic than in men. If men at the beginning of a relationship tend to more sensibly assess the situation as still very uncertain, albeit pleasant or romantic, then women, more subject to emotions, indulge in fantasies in which they are already collecting school bags for their common children. These sweet dreams are harmless, unless they begin to be confused with reality. Then the woman's expectations (and sometimes the pressure on the man) increase in proportion to her dreams, and if the relationship ends, then the woman bitterly mourns in the end not only the little that was, but also those numerous plans for happiness that were missed, as it seems to her, "practically out of hand". Therefore, at the beginning of a relationship, despite the anticipation of magic, it is important to maintain a sane part of your Self, which will remember that a certain period of uncertainty and preliminary collection of real information is required.

So, under the pressure of reality, partners begin to grind to each other, associated with the inconsistency of their mutual expectations regarding the relationship (which is inevitable to one degree or another). And if the relationship does not break up, then it will necessarily transform. And, despite many individual differences, there are two main paths of transformation.

I AM YOU, YOU ARE ME, AND WE DO NOT NEED ANYONE. Or a merge song.

“We've been together for just a little over a year … And the impression is that for many years. We no longer have sex, but we all the time endure each other's brains. But we can’t disperse either, probably because we love each other. On the one side. On the other hand, those feelings that were before are no longer there. It was as if we were stuck in a swamp. And the relationship does not develop, but quarrels are more and more difficult … "A typical story, and other signs of violation of boundaries in a relationship, as it soon turns out, are obvious - regular checks of mobile phones and Facebook control, a collective password from each other's mail, bans to go out. or without a partner, constant checks where and with whom this partner is, for example, at work and at what time, and the like. The possibility of the private life of the other is denied: "We have no secrets from each other", "We are together - we must know everything from each other." Sometimes one of the partners insists on all this, for the most part, and the other weakly brushes aside and complains how tired of this control and that this relationship could be ended, but, as it turns out, this is impossible. The basis of such a relationship is an emotional dependence called merging - that is, a state in which the boundaries between oneself and the Other are blurred. The partner must be transparent and turned inside out - otherwise, anxiety increases, and a scandal occurs. There is no longer a union of two separate I's, two separate personalities, there is We. Differences in opinions, interests, own desires are perceived as threatening the relationship. “We decided, we think, we want …” And the increased sacrifice, the desire to think out for the other and the colossal efforts to control the other take place for a reason. In fact, life without a partner in the near future is not possible. The underlying reason for addiction on a less conscious level is that the Other gives something that cannot be provided on its own for some reason - increases self-esteem, provides peace of mind, saves from loneliness, anxiety, knows how to calm down - that is, protects from unwanted emotions and provides an important part functioning of mental life. A complete failure and discord thereof can be observed with the unexpected loss of a partner in such a relationship. The other functions as a part of his psyche, and indeed, you can often hear that he is perceived in life as a part of himself. Trust is replaced by control - endless checks, reports and manipulations of guilt are caused by the need to constantly make sure that the partner is not going anywhere. Thus, it becomes property (some believe that a license to own a partner is issued at the registry office), and the expression “he / she should / should” appears more and more in speeches about it. Various manipulations are used - this is how attempts are made to force the other to serve their own psychological satisfaction for sure and to prevent the threat of loss that is present in all human relationships. Relationships in the merger are usually regulated by manipulations and accusations, for example, for the unsuspecting desires of a partner (“My husband did something nice to me yesterday, and I hurt myself like a cake for him, although I felt bad, by the evening I was lying in a layer, and he did not notice … Well, there was still a scandal! "), or for their own desires, objectionable to the partner (" Every time I want to meet with my friends, I think - but what about him without me? What will he do? "). Blackmail by breaking up is also used - the fear of losing a partner is a powerful tool that shakes up the relationship, reminding of possible boundaries. However, in fact, such threats are not taken seriously, since there is an unconscious agreement between partners that "everything is tied and the relationship does not end", and they both know that such blackmail is nothing more than manipulation. Therefore, a complete rupture does not occur, as well as any changes in the general scenario of relations.

WHY DOES "SYMBIOSIS" OR MERGE IN RELATIONSHIP ARISE?

Symbiosis is a mutually beneficial union of two organisms aimed at survival. The psychological maturity of a person presupposes the ability to function independently of other people, subject to his own legal capacity, mental integrity, upon reaching adulthood and before the onset of old age. Therefore, a sign that the other person is vital for one's own survival is a signal that some childhood relationship with a parent, in which the child was still absolutely dependent, remained incomplete, and some psychological functions that allow one to rely on oneself, and have not formed, therefore, a "permanent crutch" in the face of another in adulthood is absolutely necessary for survival. With what it can be connected?

SCENARIO MODELS, INTERNAL CONFLICTS AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFICITS

With what dramatic work would you compare your life and in what genre? - This question is often asked by supporters of the psychotherapeutic approach of Eric Berne. In his book Games People Play, he suggested that people often build their lives and relationships according to certain scenarios. Indeed, quite often people can describe the standard cyclical nature of their relationships, up to typical reactions and remarks during quarrels. The scores are predictable and unconsciously distributed when the performer of the role of partner changes over and over again.

How are scripts formed? Most often, based on observations of family interaction patterns, as a result of observing what sequence of actions is used to get what you want - that is, psychologically "gain". But there is also a price to pay for this - certain negative emotions. Let's take a closer look at this.

In order to maintain freedom in relationships, a person must be self-sufficient, that is, able to "serve himself" in relation to most human needs. For example, to have normal self-esteem, which does not fluctuate sharply up and down depending on someone else's opinion, a sufficient degree of emotional self-regulation, which allows you not to get bored with yourself and spend time interestingly without clinging to others. This also includes the ability to take care of yourself in general. Such functions of "self-service" are cultivated in the family: any self-attitude of an adult was once the attitude of one of the adults towards a child. If this attitude was distorted - they did not take care of the child enough, did not know how to calm him down in time, did not respect him enough, or simply demanded too much and did not praise him (the list can be continued indefinitely) - then in the future this child will constantly look for another person who could compensate this deficiency, unlike parents. You cannot do this on your own - the necessary mental structure has not been formed. The child also learns the style of family manipulation - the way in which you can shake out what you want from another person. As a result, each time, both the problem and the interaction about it are simultaneously reproduced - the psyche repeatedly tries to resolve the old conflict in a new way.

During the analysis of the scenarios of the relationship of my client Anna, in principle a completely adequate woman, she mentioned a relationship with one man who constantly humiliated her and cheated on her. After some reflection, Anna said: “I think it was a kind of 'tribute' to my mother, who endured a lot in her relationship with her father. It was important for me, breaking off such a relationship, to prove to myself that I will not do like her! " However, new resources are not always available to change the old conflict, and many remain in unsatisfying relationships, trying to remake a partner, to make a candy out of the "ugliness". All this reminds of child addiction, forcing the child to endure any tricks of the parent, hoping for a miracle and collecting memories of how good he can be sometimes. This is how dependence on the current partner is formed: he either periodically performs the function of a good found parent, who does for the child what he cannot do himself (the husband of one of my clients put her to bed every evening and was a prerequisite for her cooking normal food - in his absence, she could only eat Do Chirac), or the conflict relationship with him continues in the hope of changes for the better (“It's okay that he hits me, he is not out of malice, does not understand what he is doing, he just got confused. You don’t know, he’s me in fact he loves, he is kind, sometimes he will say something good, but last March 8th he gave flowers … ")

Olga, an attractive 32-year-old woman, believes that life is unfair - one loves and the other allows. In her life experience, this is so: as long as the young man is fickle and the relationship is unpredictable, she is passionately in love with him, and as soon as he becomes attached to her, she soon loses interest in him. Olga's father, a businessman and playboy in life, left his family when she was six, and paid attention to the girl from childhood only in cases when another mistress fell out of favor and he needed comfort. For a long time Olga reproduced this scenario in real life - she served as a “lifesaver” for narcissistic ladies' pleasers, and broke off relationships with men who really treated her well as soon as the element of their inaccessibility and competition for them with other women disappeared. And now Olga has been continuing her romance with a French citizen for the fifth year - every year he promises to marry her, but does not fulfill his promise under various pretexts. But when she goes to him, he arranges a fairy tale for her. "Like a little girl!" - exclaims Olga. She does not lose hope. And spends all his money on trips to him.

The second basis of the scenarios around which addictions are formed is the social model assimilated by the girl from childhood. There is no social ideal of a self-sufficient woman in Russia. But there is the ideal of a woman, an asexual and sacrificial mother. Female masochism and inferiority are encouraged: “You have to endure, this is your cross,” “Don't think about yourself, the main thing is to keep your family together!” The girl receives no messages that affirm her value in itself, regardless of external approval of her usefulness. But the omnipotent acceptance of responsibility for everyone and everything is encouraged: "The whole family rests on a woman" (Who is a man then and why is he? A raw material appendage? (Obviously, if the man is Pavlov's dog). It is not surprising that women suffer from chronic feelings of guilt for everything that happened wrong, and periodically make desperate attempts in the form of hysterics to shift this unbearable burden of guilt onto a man.

But as we remember, a woman has an ideal of a man and a family, in the annotation to the script it is written that she rules everyone and knows everything better than anyone else, and the script gets its development. In Russia, most often it is approximately the following: a woman enthusiastically takes up the task of re-educating her partner, or, as Mikhail Boyarsky noted, “for cutting with a jigsaw without anesthesia”: “So, now we will get married, and I will make a man out of him.” At the same time, little is taken into account that upbringing is a maternal destiny, and then a man turns into a son for his wife. In Russia, where men from childhood are often brought up exclusively by women because of the same fathers who were once adopted by their wife or simply drinking-absent fathers, this happens very quickly. A man, even if he tried to somehow assert his masculinity before, quickly dumps all the responsibility on a woman who is replete with instructions and ready-made solutions … hunger at a full refrigerator, along with complaints about the rag-like or irresponsibility of a loved one, is inevitable. The yoke of a workhorse is a woman's payment for a win - a feeling of her own competence: “Everything is based on me”, as well as of her own need and value: “He and the children will be lost without me”. And the free responsibility of a man is replaced by the education in him of a sense of guilt and duty. Although initially he is lured, it seems, with eroticism and promises of unearthly love.

One way or another, the merger is based on the scenario of interactions or reimbursement of any mental deficit from childhood. That is why it happens that partners change, but the new relationship again resembles the "old rake". In addition, the partner begins to be perceived over time rather as a relative, and not as a representative of the opposite sex. In turn, this kills erotic attraction, because they don't have sex with relatives! Sometimes, however, it is activated under the pressure of the anxiety of losing a partner (after another scandal with collecting things) and for the sake of asserting control over him (“sex should sometimes be encouraged, otherwise he will go to the side”). Thus, sex is used for non-sexual purposes.

The scenario underlying the addiction is often unconscious. But nevertheless, thanks to the repetition of the problematic, it can be fully realized, the motives underlying it can be investigated, and this is already a step towards change, believes Eric Berne in his book "Games People Play". This allows a person to no longer be a slave to his script and to choose how to live on, independently.

What else can be done in the short term (which does not require deep and lasting changes)?

Any restoration of boundaries in a couple serves to renew and modify relations much more efficiently than any manipulation. Some prohibitions should be removed - you need to separate your desires from those that are not yours and win the right to do, finally, what you want, regardless of your partner's permission - for example, just be alone, go somewhere with friends without him, change your password to mailbox … Some rules that protect the borders, on the contrary, must be accepted - for example, you should not allow humiliating insults during quarrels, walk in front of your partner in any form and make your toilet in front of his eyes, tell all the ins and outs of your past and pry with painful curiosity everything that he remembers about his … It is the boundaries that create the difference of potentials, which maintains the novelty in the relationship and makes us strive to comprehend each other over and over again.

MATURE LOVE AND REALITY

And is there a place for love proper in emotional dependence, many clients ask. There is no ready answer, but there are some approximate statistics. According to psychotherapeutic studies, after working through the problems that cause addiction in one or both partners, about 60% of couples part with the least mental losses in order to start a more satisfactory relationship with a new partner over time, and 40% build their relationship from scratch on new foundations. … However, many couples refuse to continue therapy as soon as the fusion relationship is threatened - after all, the parental object is fundamental for the psyche and the fear of losing the acting. of this object often outweighs the very vague prospects for many clients of the development of the ability to rely on themselves.

What is meant by a mature love relationship? They do not generally obey scripts, and therefore are more difficult to describe. In literature and cinema, little attention is paid to them - for drama, suffering, unhappy love and passion, the demand is much higher. However, researchers in the relationship of healthy couples have noted some patterns.

Falling in love transforms into a mature relationship with the beginning of a realistic perception of a partner as a person, with their own shortcomings, but, nevertheless, as a whole, as good enough, not ideal, but quite suitable.

The readiness for a mature relationship is determined, first of all, according to Murray Bowen, the founder of systemic family therapy, by the degree of differentiation of each partner - that is, the ability to feel comfortable one at a time and have a large amount of resources that allows you not to "cling" to other people. “I feel great alone, and a love relationship is a super bonus, not an absolute must,” one of my clients once remarked. Further, the flexibility with which the degree of intimacy in a couple is modified is important, notes Otto Kernberg. Each person solves an eternal dilemma: how to show their individuality without being left alone, and how to maintain contact with others without losing yourself. In mature love relationships, partners can shorten and increase the distance in contact, both according to their own needs and focusing on the Other. Their relationship is hesitant - either the couple spends a lot of time together in rapture, or each pays a little more attention to friends, children or a favorite pastime. The increase in distance causes the next round of striving for mutual rapprochement, which increases attraction and ensures the preservation of elements of romance and passion in the relationship. In addition, due to the self-sufficiency of each of the partners, the temporary decrease in the attention of the other is not perceived as a betrayal. Moreover, no one strives to become the one and only person in the life of their beloved. Each partner enjoys communicating with his friends, children from previous marriages, relatives and colleagues, receiving additional resources of emotional recharge. In addiction relationships, there is the idea that partners should devote all their time exclusively to each other, and the couple is increasingly isolated from other people, protecting their merger - close friends become distant friends, and contacts with relatives turn into a formality - and for each of partners are subject to an increasing emotional burden, respectively.

The same flexibility is observed in changing roles - partners can take turns in a child's role or sometimes baby each other, but the main positions for them are adult man and woman, and in no case - not relatives, but lovers and allies. Of course, this implies taking on certain obligations, but voluntarily - not under the yoke of public instructions on how to "right and should" and not out of guilt towards a partner, but out of a desire to take care of him.

Aggression takes an important place in any relationship, and no less than tender feelings. Unfortunately, it is quite difficult to express it constructively and use it for the good of the couple. But this is absolutely necessary - since aggression is born where important human needs are not met, and is a claim about them. If this does not happen directly, then it will inevitably be expressed indirectly (men usually throw off aggression to the side in the form of random affairs, and women make men feel like scoundrels, crying, complaining and getting sick). To quarrel constructively, albeit in a raised voice, means discussing the problem, bringing it out as a kind of subject of negotiations, and not a reason for insults and accusations of a partner. It is important to try to understand the motivation of the other, and not to “beat” him or present only your complaints.

Respect for boundaries is also important - not only for the boundaries of a partner, but also for temporary and universal ones. “Your prince is the same person. It may fart, or it may die, "notes the famous existential psychotherapist Yalom in his book" Treatment for Love and Other Psychotherapeutic Novels. " Otto Kernberg, in turn, believes that the awareness of the free will of another person, the impermanence of being, the fragility of relationships in the face of the passage of time and death enhances love.

Of course, harmonious relationships that enrich the inner world of a person, bring mostly joy and provide support for the most daring undertakings, are not easy to create, develop and maintain. This is a matter of many years and colossal efforts and risks. It is impossible to make one single correct choice once in a lifetime. Whether we realize it or not, we have to choose every day what love is for me today, with whom I share my life, for what reasons, and what is the psychological “cost of the issue”. But the game is worth the candle. As it is well said not by a psychologist, but by one very wise person: “Remember that the best relationship is when love for each other exceeds the need for each other” (Rules of Life: Heartful instructions from the Dalai Lama.)