2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Do you know what codependency is?
Even among psychologists, there are not so many specialists who work with the problem of codependency, who know what kind of trouble it is.
A 19-year-old girl, a successful student, very pretty, well-mannered, was looking for a psychologist “for any money” (she came to me for a consultation with a prayer for help in her eyes), who could help her figure out what was happening to her. The girl lives in a private house outside the city with her parents and two little sisters. She meets a guy, studies well, works part-time in her free time, has an interesting social circle, friends, loves her mother and sisters, helps her family with housework with pleasure. Gives the impression of a happy person. What's the problem? Stepfather, a very good doctor, a respected person … drinks heavily. And when he is "tipsy", which has happened very often lately, terrible things happen: screams, scandals, raises his hand against his wife and adopted daughter, my client, who is trying to protect her mother. Binges have become the norm in the life of his stepfather-doctor, he does not go to work during the period of binges. And what the family does, covers up its breadwinner, as it is very shameful to "wash dirty linen in public." “I am ready to give up my life, to do everything to make my mother feel good. What should I do to save my mother, sisters?”- this was the request for therapy. And then there was a story about a guy with whom the girl is dating, there is a problem in the relationship - he often drinks. The girl doesn't like it at all, but "I love him so much and am ready to fight for him …" - says the client. Probably, everyone knows a lot of such and similar stories, but few people know that codependency, like addiction, is a chronic, serious, fatal disease. And in this story there are four codependents - my mother, my client and two little preschool sisters who automatically become codependents, because their father is an alcoholic …
The urgency of the problem.
The problem of codependency is very relevant all over the world, in particular in Ukraine. In our society, which depends on a certain mentality, codependency is a part of society that negatively affects the life of a particular person and society as a whole. Codependent relationships interfere with a person's full life, deprive him of the opportunity to feel joy and pleasure, love, self-realization and self-improvement.
Correction of codependency is a long process, since it is necessary to significantly change the usual way of life. Liberation from codependency is met with opposition from society due to the corresponding traditions and stereotypes.
The concept of "codependency" in modern psychology
Codependency has not yet been sufficiently studied in the world and is not classified as an independent nosology, but is interpreted as a complex personality disorder.
VD Moskalenko describes a codependent personality as a person who is completely focused on managing the behavior of another person, without thinking about satisfying his own needs. Codependent people are those who are married or in close relationships with people with chemical addiction, individuals who were brought up in emotionally repressive, dysfunctional families, where there was addiction or strict upbringing, where the natural expression of feelings was prohibited. Upbringing in such a family creates conditions for the formation of psychological characteristics, which become the basis for codependency.
Codependency symptoms:
Feeling dependent on others.
Being in a controlling relationship that demeans the person.
Low self-esteem.
The need for constant praise and support from others in order to feel that everything is good.
Feeling of powerlessness, that something can be changed in a destructive relationship.
The need for alcohol, food, sex, work, and other distracting stimulants to distract from problems and worries.
Uncertainty of personal boundaries.
Feeling like a victim, a jester.
An inability to feel true closeness and love.
Codependency is not only a secondary phenomenon associated with alcohol or drug addiction of a loved one, it is also a violation of personality development, which was formed in early child-parent relationships.
A reference example of codependency is the family relationship between an alcoholic and his wife, where for many years (10-20-30-40 years …) she has been unsuccessfully trying to save her life partner from an addiction and thus depriving herself of her own life. She carries her own and someone else's cross, but this burden is beyond her strength, and she will fall under an unbearable load.
Often, codependent relationships arise between mother and child, father and child, brother and sister, and even close friends. Therefore, every person has the risk of falling into the trap of codependency.
Codependents are those who incorrectly and ineffectively react to alcoholism, drug addiction or other dependence of loved ones and build relationships with them according to the Karpman triangle, acting at the same time as a persecutor, a rescuer and a victim.
Karpman's triangle
The goal of the codependent is to get negative attention, relieve himself of responsibility, stabilize self-esteem, perform negative programs for children, etc. The adult state is absent in these roles.
The Role of the Victim
Behavior: passivity, constant complaints, demonstration of their unviability, lack of resources, or someone has to change in order for "I" to be happy.
Purpose: to be saved or punished.
Emotions: self-pity, resentment, longing, suffering …
Cognitions (thoughts): “I cannot solve my problems, my situation cannot be solved, I was treated unfairly”, etc.
The psychology of codependency is the psychology of an eternal victim who opposes the injustice of the world, wants to be pitied and protected by everyone, and at the same time does not make any attempts to change his life.
The Role of the Persecutor
Behavior: aggressive, constant accusations, acts solely in their own interests; constantly looking for flaws in others, is in a negative position in relation to people, criticizes, controls.
Purpose: to seize someone else's territory, to punish others.
Emotions: anger, powerlessness, feelings of superiority, hatred, anger.
Cognitions: “Everyone should do me - others should do as I see fit, people should be controlled, and those who are guilty should be punished”.
Codependents constantly use various manipulation techniques to gain help and empathy from those around them.
Role of the Rescuer
Passive-aggressive behavior, excuses, actions are aimed at saving others (while the Victim forgets about himself), does more for others than he wants to do, salvation happens in such a way that in the end everyone remains dissatisfied, problems are not solved.
Purpose: building barriers.
Emotions: guilt, righteous anger, irritation, pity, resentment.
Cognitions: "I have to save, prevent trouble at any cost, they cannot cope without me."
The “rescuer” feels responsible for the life of a relative and convinces himself that he must always take care of him, no matter what the cost. Especially in our country, many women have endured drunken husbands for decades, not because of weak will, but because of the mentality: "loved ones always need help," "a person must not be left in trouble", our women absorb with mother's milk. And, at first glance, what's wrong with that?
The life of the Rescuer is completely dependent on the needs and desires of the addict. Rescuers do not know how to say "no", take on most of the responsibilities of the addict and adjust their lives to suit him. As in the story of my client: the wife practically independently brings up the children, does most of the housework, the main earner in the family, while tolerating her husband's drunken antics without a murmur, covers him up. The codependent quickly loses the ability to love himself, to defend his desires, denies himself the right to personal needs. Since they have very low self-esteem, they do not dare to declare their interests and needs, they are afraid of condemnation in society if they abandon the “rescue mission”.
Relationships built in accordance with the Karpman triangle become a substitute for true intimacy.
The way out of this triangle is possible if we build a triangle of Partnership in which the roles will be distributed in the following way: Teacher-Assistant-Student.
The danger of codependency
Codependency with an alcoholic or drug addict is a shortcut to psychological disorders and destruction of personal life. A person ceases to live his life, prioritizes responsibility and care for the addict. Therefore, they very quickly lose their social circle, forget about hobbies and long-term plans and dissolve in a dependent person, not realizing that they are destroying him in this way.
Constant stress, tension, anxiety, low self-esteem negatively affect mental health, often several years after life next to the addict, the codependent develops severe depression and other disorders, and suicidal thoughts may appear.
In addition to the danger to social and psychological health, a codependent has a high risk of becoming addicted himself: often the wives of those addicted to despair themselves begin to attach themselves to a glass in order to better understand their husband, to become closer to him, and subsequently become patients of drug dispensaries.
Sleep disorders, eating disorders, psychosomatic diseases are also life companions of a codependent.
In modern psychology, there is no single approach to the treatment of codependency. But it has been studied and argued that treatment should be aimed at, firstly, overcoming secondary codependency - expanding the behavioral spectrum of interaction with the addict through a clear understanding of the characteristics of his behavior, which promotes or opposes the continuation of use and the development of the disease.
Secondly, the traumatic experience should be worked out at a conscious level: it is necessary to identify the origins of the development of codependency, to reveal personal potential, resources, to work out the sphere of emotions and feelings. Those. to cover multifactorial manifestations of codependency: cognitive-emotional, behavioral, psychophysical.
Thus, with my client, we built work on the following levels:
- Cognitive - identifying negative automatic thoughts, rules of life, working with inadequate behavioral strategies and their destructive impact on psychological processes and social life.
- Emotional - identifying emotional deficits, developing skills for the conscious expression of feelings, developing empathy.
- Behavioral - changing or abandoning destructive forms of behavior, teaching healthy forms of behavior
- Psychophysiological - the formation of relaxation skills and regulation of functional states using the mindfulness technique "Maydfulness".
All over the world there are groups of "Alcoholics Anonymous", "Al-Anon" - groups for codependents, where a person can get help and support free of charge. And also the "School for relatives" of addicts, where you can listen to lectures by specialists on this problem for free.
A complete cure for codependency and addiction is hardly possible, but learning to live with this quality is absolutely real. In my practice, there are a large number of codependents who cope very successfully with their problem and live a full life.
Work continues with my client and her mother, they have high motivation, a great desire to help themselves, so there is no doubt that we can handle it!
I will be glad to help if anyone needs help!
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