2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The past pages of our personal biography can never be flipped as easily as the pages of a book, so they always remain ajar.
Hence, it is indignant that one of the former wives-husbands, or girlfriends-friends of your husband or your wife called them in your presence, and your “half” spoke to them very politely and correctly - from my point of view of a deep practice - stupid and wrong.
And to demand that your husband talk to his ex-wife with obscenities, and your wife does not pick up the phone when her ex-husband calls her is humiliating, first of all, for yourself: after all, you cannot consider that your “half” is an insensitive and ill-mannered brute ! Which, by the way, will behave in the same way towards you in the event of a divorce already with you …
Hence, I ask you to be very, very tolerant in this matter! Express your dissatisfaction with your "halves" about their communication with the "former" should be only in three cases:
a large financial investment in your former family that has not been agreed with you: such as gifts, loans, large acquisitions, etc. (with subsequent losses in your family budget);
in case of spending weekends and holidays with ex-spouses completely (to call in for an hour every two to three months is not a problem!);
if you have strong suspicions that an intimate relationship remains between former partners (therefore, no joint overnight stays, business trips, trips to the country house, to the bathhouse, vacations, etc.).
Any other interaction of the “former” is perfectly acceptable. But only if it is episodic, from case to case, and not systemic. Accordingly, if communication is only of such a superficial nature, look at it calmly. You should only express your dissatisfaction if the “former” violate these unwritten laws, as they say, “swim beyond the buoys” of your patience.
Accordingly, creating or already creating a family with a person who already had a former family relationship, agree on the mutual adherence to these simple rules.
Talking out loud about family issues is only half the battle.
The deed is only done if the problem is completely eliminated. Therefore, simply confessing certain sins and repenting is not enough, you need to have a clear algorithm for eliminating them. Moreover, the elimination of the complete and final!
Otherwise, you will fall prey to one interesting pattern:
By deceiving others, most of the time we are deceiving ourselves.
If it is difficult to analyze and correct your family situation and you need help, I will be glad to give advice from a family psychologist on
personal (in Moscow) or online consultation (via Skype, Viber, WhatsApp or phone).
Respectfully yours, Ph. D., family psychologist, professor Andrey Zberovsky
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