Have I Suppressed My Husband?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Hello Yana! So many times I had a desire to write to you, but after a while I always found other ways to deal with the problem and not pollute the air for you. But the situation that I will describe below, firstly, is very acute and I cannot ease it myself, and secondly, it is not unique and may worry your other readers.

My husband says that I broke him.

No, I didn’t do something so terrible that it would hurt him so much that he broke down. He claims that my character during our relationship made him softer and more passive. He thought that I was different, but I turned out to be just like that. Firstly, it sounds crazy to me, since, judging by myself, I do not understand how someone can be broken. And secondly, it frankly smacks of manipulation. But I really love him and want to figure it out without making hasty conclusions.

We have been married for several years, we are not familiar to many more, that is, we got married quickly and recognized each other already being married. We have no children, although I am already ready. He's not.

From the very beginning, my husband began with a special effort to "change" me. I didn’t dress like that, I was fond of that, my parents and friends had a bad influence on me. It got to the ridiculous: I had to change my facial expression and smile in some situations.

Here I must clarify that we do not have the situation when an adult and wealthy man marries a young girl from the boondocks and begins to teach her manners.

My husband is undoubtedly a very smart and talented young man from an educated family and he has a lot to learn. I, however, built myself, having left my small town early. I studied everything myself, solved my problems myself, started working early and when we met my husband, although I could not boast of a diploma from the best university in the country, I was an independent, developed person. I had an interesting job, a lot of ambitions and I supported myself.

Here I must add that the first two years of the relationship, I worked with my husband, he immediately put me under his command and the situation when I did everything wrong was not only at home, but also at work. He said that I could not be entrusted with anything, that I was spoiling everything, and that how could I be entrusted with children?

In general, after two years of this relationship, I realized that my development had stopped, I had lost all self-esteem, and I was very sick for a long time.

After that, I began to gradually get out, learn to build a defense, limit his impulses to break into my personal space.

I went through psychotherapy (I have a traumatized childhood and initially I went to deal with it), learned to accept myself, give myself the right to make mistakes, etc.

From that time on, I only began to get stronger internally. I stopped rushing about, decided on what I want from life and relationships. In other words, it was separated:)

And exactly at that moment, my husband changed. In parallel, he changed his activities, returned to science and due to a long break, he had to start from the beginning, under strong pressure, in another country. Which jeopardized his "dignity". And then I was with my development:) By the way, he perceived my psychotherapy very negatively, insisted that I quit, spoke very rudely about the psychotherapist and tried in every possible way to devalue the results that I had achieved. Fortunately, I paid for everything myself and refused to quit, and in the end I just started to hide it.

And at the same time as I got stronger and got up on my feet, he became softer, more passive, more victimized. Now he is completely discouraged, his work and life do not suit him, but he also does not want to change anything, for various reasons. I try to support him, do not press, do not rush him. I have a complete life (there is not a lot of it for two, but all the same), I have been looking for a long time, but now I have found a job, for me, gradually, everything is getting better.

Except that I now have a passive husband who is depressed. Yesterday he said that I made him this way. That my tough temper suppressed him.

I don't know what to believe. I am not one of the quiet, soft women. I am cheerful, passionate, loud. But on the other hand, I do not see that I demand a lot or that I am pressing hard. I always told my husband that I was ready to wait with the children if he needed time to sort out himself. I am not asking for gifts, much attention, or anything else. I close my life, I do not load with my worries or problems. But I no longer know how to help him. Perhaps he just needs another woman by his side.

I'm torn. I love him, I want children from him. He has good ideas and I know that he is a good person. But looking at him or looking back, I understand that he is not mature and I don’t like the way he behaves, including with me. I am tired that they call me guilty of everything (even as a joke), tired that they do not accept me, tired of feeling responsibility, that my husband is unhappy.

Yana, I will be very grateful for your answer! I also really want to know the opinion of your readers. I don't need a decision whether to get divorced or not. Maybe someone has figured out similar problems or they can advise me on techniques, literature on this topic. I would be grateful for any advice! Since it seems that I have no one else to turn to:)

Best regards, N.

Hello! It often happens so interesting: I worked on myself, but destroyed someone else's. And who is to blame that its construction was built on your territory (on the one that has long gone rotten and should have been demolished?:-)) And where is your psychotherapist now? If he were there, he might have told you that you cannot break someone else by working on yourself.:-) And in general there is such an opinion that you cannot remake other people, and you cannot break them either (well, not counting army methods, or terror with beatings). Another question is that it is possible, for example, to deprive a loved one of some kind of "toy" or "support" or very important entertainment, or even to underestimate his self-esteem and self-confidence while working on himself. But (following simple human logic) this would only work if his self-esteem and inner balance were based on how he interacts with you. And since you wanted improvement and got rid of what you didn't like. it turns out that he strengthened and asserted himself at the expense of things that you did not like. Those. you simply took this "entertainment" harmful to you from him. But that's not your problem, it's his. There was nothing to build your inner comfort on kicking or sawing a loved one. And if he is so noticeably ill, from the fact that his injections have ceased to act on a nearby victim, then he needs psychotherapy. Basically - what can you do for him? Bend back to whatever position was comfortable for him? Not an option, because you feel bad there. To divorce him - apparently you are in no hurry, although this option has already sounded. You probably don't need advice here - you will divorce yourself when all other options do not work. For him to go to psychotherapy - yes, it would probably be great. But this (you yourself know) is necessary so that he wants to. Anyway, it would be great for you to go to the same therapist who helped you so well (if he is within reach), or to another equally good one, and talk about this situation. Of course, not only to recover from the thought that it was "you did", but also for advice. I do not know what psychotherapists advise in such cases, but I am sure that there are some ways to constructively talk to my husband. So as not to offend him, but on the contrary - to show that you did not want to do anything bad to him. We were just doing ourselves. And you wish him the same: that he did himself well, to the maximum. (It is simply advisable to look for methods when this is not done at your expense, because experience has already shown that this is a dead-end path.) And of course, yes, what is there, we all know that there are people who do not want to change anything. And they hold on to some kind of model that once worked for them. Such people get very upset when their methods stop working and the manipulation stops working on the victim. And, after waiting for everything to fall apart, they find themselves a new one. If he decides to follow this scenario, you will not do anything with him. Here, men who act on this principle are trying to explain that they are creating a big problem for themselves. The society is emancipated. There are many women who go and solve their problems through psychotherapy and smart books. And therefore, it is very likely that such a man will look for a new wife every couple of years. If he does not agree to somehow work on his own development. Actually, in this case, it is imperative to work on oneself, because all concepts in which “everyone but me is to blame for my failures and problems” is a kindergarten. And you won't live long on them. Take, and for a start, every time you are (jokingly or not entirely) accused of breaking him, answer (just as half-jokingly, but not without a grain of seriousness): "You seriously think that in all your troubles am I to blame? But this cannot be? " And "send him to go about his business." Say: "And I don't want anything from you. You are what you are, not because I made you that way - you chose it for yourself, no need to blame the responsibility on me - I did not ask you in any form to change in this If you want to act differently, act right now. If you don't want to, don't blame me for it! " Those. at least these direct (and absurd) accusations, return everything to him, and each time show how frivolous it is when he begins to say such things. Actually, the only thing that can be done with manipulators is to take away all the levers from them. To show them that this does not work on you, you have figured out them, the logic does not converge in their claims. At the same time, stay friendly, and invite them to build their fortresses next time on their own, and not on yours. If he agrees to this, you can find a way to interact. I wish you to do it.:-):-)