Why Do People Flirt?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I am a woman

"How else can I feel like a woman?" - many women answer when asked about flirting.

Usually these are unmarried women working in a women's team. They spend eight hours in the office, then a march in the subway (it's hard to imagine a place less conducive to coquetry; besides, most of us, nevertheless, are accustomed by our mothers to not get to know each other on the street and in transport) or a lonely trip in the car. And in the evening - at home, or at best - a meeting with friends. Are there many opportunities to remember that you are a beautiful lady? Are there many reasons to remember your femininity?

Women who have fallen into a cycle in which there is no place for either romance or positive male influence often directly formulate "I have forgotten how to communicate with men." Flirting is a kind of antidote to such a forgetfulness of your feminine essence.

Marriage needs dope

It would be a mistake to believe that all married women, on the contrary, live in a halo of romance and are bathed in male attention. Even if the relationship with the husband is very good, they can still be more friendly than romantic, even the highest quality and regular sex in marriage can often lose its unpredictability and mystery. All these sweet sensations are reminiscent of flirting.

Married women who flirt precisely for this reason, in the absolute majority of cases, do not expect "the continuation of the banquet", they have enough pleasure from doping with their own femininity.

Stereotypes or So it is customary

There are women (especially young girls, although there are ladies who are infantile enough to carry this style of behavior through the years) flirting, because "it is so customary."

There is a whole category of girls who not only blink, smile sweetly with men and flirt, but also make up provocatively and dress sexually … not for the sake of attracting sexual attention. They just follow stereotypes. All the girls they know wear short skirts, and flirting with men is "supposed" - this is shown in the movies, and older friends do this.

It can be justifiably difficult for men to believe that there is no "sexual behavior" behind this. In general, it costs nothing, except for following the stereotype and, unfortunately, lack of reflection.

And then I go out - in a white dress coat

Men and women can use flirting as a way to bathe in attention, to feel special, successful, bright, necessary, interesting. For this, some take heights in business or give reports, others amuse the company with anecdotes, sing songs with a guitar, and still others flirt.

Such people are interested not so much in the object of flirting (for them everything and everything is the object of flirting), as in the impression made and their own success.

Regulation obliges

For some people, regardless of gender, flirting becomes a habitual professional behavior. For example, sales managers and various “company faces” often “sin” with this: the ability to listen very attentively, demonstrating an exclusive interest, especially a friendly smile, a “meaningful” look is a necessary working tool that is automatically used in everyday communication.

A useful habit that gives a person the ability to be a pleasant conversationalist in all respects.

Flirting, just flirting

This "kind" of flirting is beautifully described in a novel by Judith Krenz, who tells the story of a charming young woman:

“Perhaps she was already flirting with the midwife who gave birth to her mother, and after birth - with all the creatures that came her way. Although flirting, to one degree or another, was the only form of communication she knew, she was quite sincerely perplexed when she was accused of it. Nina could flirt with anyone: with children, teenagers, adults of both sexes, with homosexuals of any direction, and even with animals. True, she has not yet tried to engage in flirting with stones, but with trees and flowers as much as necessary. However, her flirting was neither sexual nor romantic: it was a natural reaction to any situation in which she found herself, reflecting a constant and indispensable predisposition to courtship. In a word, it did not quite correspond to the narrow meaning of the concept of "flirting" in which the French use it, since she always flirted in the broadest, even noblest sense of the word. Ninin's flirtation was basically also completely harmless, Nina would never be threatened with a shortage of cavaliers, no matter how old she was.

In early childhood, we all have flirting behavior: we do not hesitate to look into the eyes of a person we like (especially a representative of the opposite sex), smile broadly at him, generously show signs of attention, for example, a candy extended to an “uncle” or “aunt”. When a baby thus highlights the object of his sympathy (usually far from the only one), it causes affection in adults. Which rapidly fades away as soon as the child grows up. At a flirtatious child of 5-6 years old, the elders usually already openly laugh. And then they begin to evaluate such behavior as swagger and criticize: "how is it not ashamed ?!", "what kind of demonstration is this ?!" case with a hint that a good girl should be humble.

Therefore, usually by adolescence, the ability for childish, all-embracing and most natural flirting is already dulled.

Meanwhile, the most sincere and joyful flirting occurs when our inner child (which is in any person) "breaks out" out. At such moments, we become more alive and natural and … people like us more.

Not flirting, but flirting

It is not uncommon for people of both sexes to not at all mean an innocent exchange of pleasantries and smiles. Flirting may well be an invitation to romance, or at least courtship, a hint of interest or the possibility of intimacy. There is no presumption of innocence here.

Dictionaries are relentless: they say that flirting is "courtship, coquetry, love play." Ushakov's classical dictionary even cites the expression "flirting" - similar to "making love", isn't it?

Or even stronger: “flirting is a special form of manifestation of sexual feelings; expressed in courtship, flirtatious flirting with glances, words, feigned unintentional touches. And this is not at all a quote from pick-up sites or dating sites, where everyone expects from any hint of sympathy an indispensable sexual continuation. Otndyud: This is the definition of a 19th century dictionary compiled by Brockhaus and Efron.

But public opinion looks at flirting more broadly: the majority of survey participants believe that flirting is "a relaxed, easy, non-binding relationship between a man and a woman."

Not only content, but also form …

Not only the reasons for flirting differ, but also what people understand by this word. Unfortunately, one cannot draw the line and say "while she was clapping her eyes, this is flirting, and when she smiled, it is already flirting."

The concept of innocent courtship and its boundaries is somewhat different for all people.

For example, there are tactile people of both sexes who, during a conversation, willingly put their hand on the shoulder of the interlocutor, take his hand when they empathize, hug when they meet, if the person is sympathetic. For people of this kind, tactile contact is a common element of friendliness, a comfort zone. For a person with a different internal structure, living in a more sexualized inner world, this will already be flirting. As well as for those who are not familiar with this particular "tactician" or have not met people of this type at all. And for a person who is not at all tactile, this hand on his shoulder is not a friendly gesture, but a direct violation of boundaries. And here it is impossible to say that someone is right and someone is not. All people are different. The only way out is to try to understand the interlocutor and respect his ways of communicating. Not only him, of course. Don't forget about your comfort in communication.

The only way to cope with complex and contradictory situations of flirting is to discuss them with the person who has different ideas about the boundaries of official or domestic coquetry. Just not pulling someone out of your way, but a firm and benevolent explanation that this is unpleasant and that you are asking yourself not to behave in this way towards yourself. Solid, because for a person for whom such flirting is a way of life, it is difficult to believe that it can be unpleasant and unacceptable. Just as it is hard for you to believe that he does not understand this. And kindly, so as not to slip into accusations - no one wants to meet an angry fury.

What problems?

More serious problems begin when people have significantly different reasons for prompting them to flirt. Two extreme stereotypes are “flirting means nothing” and “flirting means everything - it’s a promise to continue”. The farther the flirtatious men and women have views on this issue, the higher the likelihood of trouble.

One of the most common consequences of a "mismatch" is when a man begins to demand that a woman develop relationships or sexual gratification. Because “I looked like that,” “I behaved like that,” in a word, in his opinion, it inspired hope.

Unfortunately, only in each specific case it is possible to say what exactly happened: the woman went overboard with flirting or the man did not adequately respond.

It should be noted that men also become victims of their own coquetry.

Remember the movie "Office Romance"? There are quite a few men who, like Yuri Samokhvalov, talk about trifles or innocent memories of the past with a trembling voice, let fog in their eyes and kiss the hands of their interlocutor, and then do not know where to go from a woman who decided that “we have love "Or" he wants me. " And then you have to either continue the game (which is not at all beautiful) or be branded as a bastard, an insidious seducer or impotent.

A separate category of citizens suffering from flirting are people (usually men, but sometimes women, regardless of their intellectual level) who are easily aroused sexually. Flirting causes them irritation, a feeling of monstrous disappointment (like a piece torn from the throat) and, as a result, frenzied aggression. Explaining to such a person that the opposite sex likes him because they flirt with him is useless: he waits and demands to continue. Only sex is considered as the pleasure of flirting, everything else is devalued.

What will he say?

Often, when flirting, women feel guilty or uncomfortable with their husbands or regular men. Sometimes the chosen one serves as the source of this feeling, grumbling that, they say, she looked at him, laughed with this, and he whispered something in his ear. But sometimes the better half isn't even present when flirting. I will not talk now about the fear that a jealous person will find out about your coquetry and get angry.

Feelings of guilt arise from:

Upbringing

Since we are taught from childhood that flirting is bad, without explaining at the same time, from what age, flirting ceases to be a violation of the rules of behavior, and whether it ceases at all, then the feeling of guilt from violating parental prohibitions persists. Sometimes for life.

And if in your family coquetry was considered indecent behavior, regardless of age, then you can hardly afford it without feeling guilty - unless you have a strong spirit of contradiction.

Because this is treason

No, I'm not talking about those situations when a person unexpectedly crossed the border for himself and made something that he did not want to allow.

There are a number of situations when one is ashamed not of one's own coquetry, but of the understanding that a partner is not satisfied with something. And because of this dissatisfaction, you have to flirt. This makes flirting akin to treason. Because cheating is often dissatisfaction - with a relationship, a partner or oneself; it is always a crisis in the relationship or in the person who committed the betrayal.

Flirting from the poverty of his own life, a person is ashamed of this life, and not of his behavior.