2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
My phone rang … …
My mom called me. The conversation turned out to be very strange. As a result, no matter where, there was a feeling that telling the truth is not always necessary, that sometimes it is better to remain silent somewhere so as not to answer unpleasant questions and not provoke further interrogation.
It would seem, for what? Because of sheer nonsense.
According to my mother, I could not clearly answer why my husband is delayed at work, and why I am not worried about this. It is worth noting that before she asked me this question, I myself did not think about it at all. We have not controlled each other for a long time, respecting everyone's right to personal space. Loyalty is not where every step is controlled, but where people choose each other. People strive to be with those who give them the most important thing - freedom. I don’t want to hear explanations about where, what time and why my husband went. This is not at all what I want to talk to him about. If he wants to tell, he will tell, share, ask my opinion. If not, then it is not necessary, it has the right. I am not worried about the thought that we are very different, and in the sphere of my husband's interests there are things that are boring and not interesting to me. However, like some of my tasks and hobbies, to put it mildly, my partner does not care. Thinking about it doesn't make me faint. Thanks to our difference, we remain interesting to each other, we have something to discuss, focusing on what brings us together. Why focus on difference when you can focus on community: love, respect and trust.
But I couldn't tell my mother all this. She just wouldn't understand me. Not because she lagged behind life, but because she has her own views on life, and I respect them. For a long time I have not been proving anything to my mother and have not convinced her. But this time she somehow persistently asked questions and made significant pauses after my answers, as if hinting to me that I was a fool, and it was high time for me to call my husband and demand an explanation.
At that moment, I felt that I had lost contact with my mother. We began to talk about different things: I was about trust, and she was about "trust, but verify."
Suddenly it became awkward and anxious.
What if Mom is right? And suddenly, with my awareness, I forgot about the banal precautions.
Somehow I immediately wanted to end the conversation and call my husband back.
After the call, I could not understand for some time what I needed to do right now. Call my husband or not call. If I call, what I will say. I didn’t understand myself and I certainly wouldn’t be able to explain to him why I was suddenly scared.
Fortunately, my internal dialogue was quickly completed, as my husband arrived and all the i's were dotted.
What is all this story for. This is the background to what I thought about later.
I caught myself thinking that next time I’m unlikely to tell my mother that my husband is not at home, I don’t know where he is now and what he’s doing. Rather, I know for sure that he has personal affairs, the essence of which is of little concern to me. Mom will definitely skip this part. Each of my answers will provoke additional questions. And in the end, an insignificant situation can reach the point of absurdity.
It's easier to evade an answer or abruptly close the topic, just not to start all over again.
For me, this situation was not so much an illustration of the violation of personal boundaries, as of where a lie begins.
A very clear illustration of why we start to deceive each other.
Lies start with stupid little things and take root deeply.
Most of all they lie where they do not trust by default. Where is the built-in option to control when you are stared at in an effort to knock out a confession of what you have done.
They lie where it is scary to tell the truth. Where they do not understand, they will condemn, punish, make them feel ashamed. A disgusting, all-consuming feeling when you want to sink into the ground and disappear.
They lie where the slightest offense is blown up to a worldwide conspiracy and accused of malicious intent.
They lie where there is a lot of control and there is no chance to come to an agreement, openly expressing their own point of view. Where they are crushed by the force of authority and decide for others.
They lie where sincerity cuts off the opportunity to be heard and get what you want.
They lie where there is a likelihood of being ridiculed for a mistake, discounted for a failure.
And they also lie in order, even in such an absurd way, to express their aggression and discontent, to defend their values and get rid of annoying attention.
They lie where they feel a lot of fear to openly show their vulnerability and imperfection. Where the burden of expectations and projections weighs on the shoulders, leaving no chance for a miss.
Over time, the habit of lying becomes natural and will only evolve. And then there is no longer a choice: to tell the truth or lie. It is easier to lie than to sink into the darkness of reproaches, accusations, insults and disrespect. This is how lies are born for salvation - personal salvation. It becomes conscious and systematic.
In such cases, you should think about how to weaken the defenses and return contact. Talking more, identifying each other's needs, looking for common ground is the foundation that unites us.
Do not judge blindly, and do not blame for deception in advance. In an atmosphere of mistrust, mutual understanding cannot be achieved.
One of the greatest values of this world is heart-to-heart talk. If we learn to delve into what others want, listen, and most importantly hear their desires, try to reach an agreement, taking into account the uniqueness of the other, then we have a chance to touch the soul of another person and hear its gentle sound.
Each of us really wants Vera. She is so missing! So that when you almost broke down, the whole world fell and the whole world laughed at you, someone quietly said: "I believe you …" than we ourselves believe in ourselves.
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