BORN TO BE A WOMAN

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Sherche la famme - look for a woman … And where?

Girls, as the famous song says, are different - black, white, red. Just for the Reds in our country, even once a holiday was formed on the basis of gender. And if this holiday is yours, then you are a woman automatically. But this is not enough for us. And many of the fair sex are regularly puzzled by the question of what kind of woman they have yet to become, in other words, how to approach a certain ideal, so much so that it changes their lives for the better?

And here the question arises, where to look for this “female ideal”. “Mom always said - you have to" mow like a fool "with the men! Only I am incapable of such manipulations - and whoever succeeds will probably be happier than me,”sighs Marina (26 years old, not married). When asked if she would like a husband like her mother for herself, she shakes her head. “Weakness is the strength of a woman! - exclaims 30-year-old Lyalya (you need to address her that way) - let them take care of you, men are knights by nature! " She came to the consultation with complaints about her husband-dad, who is constantly raising her and the lack of sex in their family life. “I am successful in my career, a tigress in bed, a notorious queen in the living room,” Nina (33 years old, divorced) grins ironically, “and my ex is now married to some kind of domestic chicken, she even has no higher one. But at first, how admired my successes! " If we deviate a little from standard stereotypes and listen to the mouthpiece of social ideals - glossy magazines and women's programs - we will learn that in one bottle a woman is supposed to be "career-oriented and purposeful", "sexually relaxed and moderately selfish", and also “playful, moody, inconsistent, slightly windy” and the list goes on and on. And, of course, all women in Russia learned from childhood that it is simply indecent for a normal woman to be unmarried by the age of 30. And that an inferiority complex is the lot of everyone who has not fulfilled their duty of procreation by about the same age.

If you deliberately begin to study the avalanche of various instructions pouring on the heads of poor women, then you can easily be convinced of their fair inconsistency (indeed, it is difficult to famously combine analysis of the market situation and building subordinates, unobtrusively flirting with a colleague, thinking in parallel about the future school for a child and all this is ruled by inconsistent and windy emotions!). At the same time, not too much is required from men - well, so that they do not drink, do not beat, well, or just to be (if we pick up a men's magazine, then what will we read there? That's right, only about the pleasures and entertainment for adult boys). But there are women in Russian villages! Who manage to do everything "for five" (not without reason they were already excellent pupils at school) and successfully working, and raising children, and looking gorgeous and sexy. But with all this ideal facade, they also experience dissatisfaction with their female share and uncertainty about their femininity. Why is this happening?

The reason is that in our country women are not taught from childhood to listen to themselves. They are taught to learn roles and models that make good girls happy. But as practice shows, following any ideals, no matter whether they are presented by a beautiful magazine or a loving mother, does not bring satisfaction if it does not correspond to the inner needs of our individual feminine essence. You can be born a girl, but let the formation of a Woman be difficult. Sooner or later a moment comes when we need to start living OWN life. But for this you will have to seriously try for yourself, your beloved.

Develop your femininity - help yourself

Where do you start? In the course of psychoanalytic research, it was proved that our gender, that is, in fact, our body is the biological basis for the formation of our sexual and personal identity (how we answer ourselves to the question "What am I?" "Who am I as a woman?") … Our identity is a mental formation and develops throughout life. For women, this is more difficult than for men, since more cultural prohibitions are imposed on female sexuality (As you know, a man who has had ties with many women is a playboy, and a woman who has had sex with many men is a whore). Therefore, the development of mature femininity is associated, first of all, with overcoming the typical difficulties associated with receiving pleasure from your body, its sensual fulfillment, respect and love for it.

ADVICE: Pamper your body. This is an echo of how a mother cares for the body of her child, instilling in him the base of self-love. Go to sports, massages or a bath, use aromatic foam, delicious creams, saying "Now I will smear you, and you will become so delicious and wonderful." Do all this consciously and with rapture, thinking not about the result, but simply enjoying the touch of your body. If you can look at yourself naked in the mirror and say to yourself "You are so good" - the goal is achieved! It is also possible that when performing such actions, "internal voices" will arise, informing that "all this is garbage" and "nothing will come of it anyway," etc. They should be analyzed - they are clearly not derivatives of their own psyche significant persons of childhood) - and then it is worth considering whose they are, in order to find a suitable answer and allow yourself, finally, to take care of your body for real.

The next level at which mature femininity can be viewed is associated with mental representations of oneself. This raises the question - is it good or bad to be a woman? Do you respect your gender? The answer to it depends on what value the girl's sex has been attributed by her environment since childhood. Were you expecting a boy instead? Finally, the long-awaited brother was born, and all the "best pieces" went to him? Or was he never born, and some of the sisters had to be a boy? Or did dad give preference not to female charm, but to the high intellect of his daughter? Did the relatives start a song about the unfortunate female share - in the form of menstruation, childbirth, everyday life, lifelong dependence on male dogs and total inferiority without them? All this contributes to the perception of her gender in the future - will the grown up girl think that she is lucky to be born a woman. Many are forced to look back at what a man is allowed in society. But, as the famous Italian psychotherapist Antonio Meneghetti says, "many women believe that all their problems are due to the fact that they do not have a member, and many men - from the fact that they have one." Leading psychoanalysts emphasize that a mature woman knows how to enjoy her gender and would not agree to anything else. She does not try to prove her usefulness to a man (by trying to become an attachment to him) and does not compete with him (trying to "get him" and prove independence from him). Without measuring herself by a social yardstick, she knows that she is no worse and no better than a man. She's just different.

ADVICE: Learn to love and respect yourself regardless of the current state of your personal life. Develop self-worth as such, regardless of social approval. Perhaps you were taught from childhood that it is good to be useful to others, but to think of yourself is selfish and bad. In this case, analyze the life scenario of those who determine their value only by how much others need it. Do they have a life of their own? Are they happy? And if they no longer need them? Children will grow up, will the husband go somewhere?.. How much does such a life scenario pay off with happiness?

Let us now approach the highest level of development - spiritual. It's not a secret for anyone that the biological function of a woman is fertility, it is not for nothing that since ancient times, women-goddesses have been prayed for harvests and offspring. The symbolic function of a woman in spiritual planes is also creativity, existential psychotherapists believe. A woman has tremendous abilities to make life around her diverse, and efforts - as effective as possible, to do a bunch of different things at the same time, to have many hobbies and creative hobbies. Women are born to create, and should not limit themselves only to everyday life, family and children. Their creativity is much broader and is aimed at changing the universe as a whole.

ADVICE: Take every opportunity to show your creativity. There are an immense number of options: to think over an original outfit for a visit, sew potholders, create your own company, come up with birthday games, make a rationalization proposal for the boss, and so on - ad infinitum. This should be fun, first of all, for you, and not be done counting on the praise of others.

View from Mars to Venus

What is the men's view of femininity? Some men like vulnerable women who need to be constantly taken care of, others admire the purposeful ones. Some are touched by women's cute tricks and tricks, while others are allergic. However, most men echo each other about the riddle, charm, zest … So what is the notorious secret that attracts men and keeps them close to us? Let us give them some explanations: “A woman should not only be objectively beautiful, it is secondary, as it turns out on closer acquaintance, she should consider herself beautiful,” Dima (24 years old, not married) is sure. “This is transmitted to others, and sometimes around At first glance, a swarm of admirers is not circling around beauties, and some beauty does not go well - she will get you, in the end, by talking about her imaginary and not imaginary shortcomings. " “It’s attractive if a woman is self-sufficient,” says Sergey (31 years old, married for 3 years), “otherwise she will often hang on you, make her, they say, happy, because without you there is nowhere, otherwise, on the contrary, life lays down, to constantly prove something to someone. And you don't even care, the meaning of life is in what the boss said and whether her mother finally recognized her as a worthy person. " Gennady (29 years old, in the status of a groom) is sure that he is attracted to “a woman who respects herself. Now I often see such a paradoxical type - you go into a cafe, and you see how many ladies are "on the hunt." All such sexually aggressive - and nails, and hairpins and a confident-defiant look, and in the eyes: "take me with you." “In a relationship, it seems to me, it is important that a woman knows how to maintain her personality - this is interesting, - Sasha, 37 years old (already 15 years a happy family man) believes, - Then she can be flexible - today she will cry on your chest, tomorrow - on horseback and into battle, different all the time. She has her own way - she seems to be next to you, but she does not belong to you completely."

Obviously, the wishes of men for the "female ideal" differ (and do all of them, in the end, live with it?), But the key difficulty for many women is that they are trying to "calculate" this ideal in advance, or where -that "get ready" as a guarantee of success with any man and the extraordinary properties of the "fatal conqueror" for himself. The advice of any "wise woman" who knows how to make a man an object controlled in the proper direction is used; many women consciously implement a family scenario or an anti-scenario (alas, not always successfully) or go to trainings with catchy names "101 ways to conquer anyone man. " But more often than not, such methods, "working" on one man, suddenly give a complete "misfire" in relations with another. And this is not surprising, because with these approaches, a man's special individuality is little taken into account, and simply the presence of a man's free independent will.

Often, a projection of his inner critic is also directed at a man. If a woman considers herself not smart enough or, for example, cheerful, then she automatically assumes that these qualities should be extremely valuable for the men she likes, and she is very anxious that she will not show them when communicating properly, up to crimson cheeks, unnatural behavior or even stupor on dates with these men. She does not think that it is possible that a man has other values and criteria for evaluating a woman suitable for himself, according to which he is looking for a kind and calm woman, and deprives herself of an advantageous chance precisely these features and demonstrate, if she has them.

And should a beauty of model parameters feel inferior if a man who is attractive to her prefers short and slightly plump, but she does not know about that, and she keeps wondering "what is wrong with her" - as most women do after an unsuccessful date, even not suspecting that this is "not so" in general to them may not have? The Russian mentality endows women with hyperresponsibility for emotional relationships, so they take hard any “failure” in “conquering” a man, despite the fact that this imaginary “failure” may in no way relate to reality. Emotionally healthy men are certainly attracted to partners who are natural in their manifestations, and emotionally unhealthy men will make their strange choices in relationships without regard to "special" female influence (except for their mother in early childhood, and for some, even before old age). If you can consciously still agree or, in extreme cases, manipulate, then no one has yet succeeded in conquering / subjugating someone else's unconscious. Although, if a man is "adopted", then the chances of raising him in the right direction increase dramatically.

What the caterpillar sees as the end of the world is what others call the birth of a butterfly. Personal experience of one client, N (28 years):

“There was a time when I didn’t think much about how feminine I was. It didn’t seem like a problem requiring thought and effort. I was always quite slim, attractive and surrounded by fans. I knew how to dress up and make up, I was very proud of my various abilities - intelligence, the ability to earn money, fix the toilet and insist on my own.”A special source of pride was that I did not allow men to pay for myself in the restaurant, and indeed in any way to help me - I could do EVERYTHING myself, and even help myself Only in most of them it did not cause due delight and gratitude.

My mother, who was raised under Soviet rule, like most women of this period of universal equality, brotherhood and asexuality, never taught me to love myself and respect my needs - this was equated with selfishness and caused an inevitable feeling of guilt. The body was supposed to be kept healthy and clean, to ennoble the appearance for others, but this was in no way connected with pleasure and one's own eroticism. I had to reconsider some of these attitudes - the years of my own psychotherapy were not in vain. After all, it is impossible to work with your own personality, regardless of your gender, your female sexuality. I have learned to respect myself - and this is expressed, first of all, in the little things - in the fact that I allow myself to be pampered with good cosmetics, yoga, massage. And even under jeans, I now wear beautiful stockings. It doesn't matter to me whether someone sees it or not, I am pleased with it myself - after all, I deserve it, as they say. I have learned to respect other women - beautiful successful women no longer cause envy or feelings of inferiority in me - I admire their uncommonness, diverse talents. I want to wear clothes of my gender (for several years now I've started buying dresses), emphasize it with jewelry, express my personality with a variety of hairstyles and makeup, regardless of where I go and with whom. Especially oriental dances gave me a lot. During my dancing lessons, I re-cognized my body, used it for creative expression, and it became more alive. When I allowed myself to love, myself, pity, take care of myself, I said goodbye to the habit of eating too much and addictions to fast food. The extra pounds went away by themselves, but before it seemed to me that on the contrary, self-love would come only after reaching some mythical ideal … I practically stopped getting sick. My relationship with the male sex has also changed. Gradually, I learned a lot - to ask for and accept help from men (how nice it is sometimes to feel "saved by a princess"), to compliment them, appreciate their opinion (and sometimes close my mouth in time), allow myself to be pampered (and not consider myself obligated) and make decisions for the two of us (without feeling humiliated). And there is still a lot to learn."

It is, of course, not easy to search for your own individual path - after all, departing from the well-known schemes, you are deprived of familiar landmarks. Living your own life is a risky but exciting adventure. But it is incredibly important for us both to love the wonderful little girl within us, and to realize our feminine divine essence. To begin with, you just need to give yourself one setting that you are first of all a Woman, and then a wife, mother, boss, daughter or manager. After all, you were born her before you became anyone else.