2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Often, clients come in with confusion, tiredness from relationships that no longer bring joy. It's hard to remember the time when you didn't want to leave, it was light, joyful and pleasant with each other. Why does joy leave? There are many reasons for this, I will tell you about the most significant - the loss of intimacy
What prevents intimacy?
Shame. I want to get closer, to love and be loved, but it’s scary that they will see what you really are. And once you were rejected and disliked in your family. And you definitely understood that there are things in themselves that must be hidden and not shown to anyone. But the longer the relationship, the harder it is to deal with that stress and the harder it’s not to be yourself.
Guilt. I want a comfortable distance with my beloved, but it’s scary to offend with my inattention, rejection and not meeting expectations. Once in a family, parents (or mother) allowed themselves to ignore your desires, your need for your territory and, depending on them, it was very difficult to defend yourself. This is how the need within its boundaries was associated with the fear of offending and losing an important person.
Pride. You want not to feel shame and guilt in a relationship, and control over those around you becomes a convenient way out. By controlling, you can feel superior, be invulnerable, strong and not afraid.
These and many other feelings happen to each of us, but when there is almost nothing besides them, then there is no intimacy and joy.
What to do?
A precondition for the revival or salvation of a relationship is to notice who is nearby. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to step back, stop controlling and holding, take off your armor and look out. Allow yourself to be surprised at the differences that are in the other, and sincerely embarrass yourself at the fact that you are reflected in someone's eyes, at the fact that they see you. It’s not easy.
I remember the pain, fear and sadness that I had during meetings with a client who built her ideal life, but could no longer find a place for herself in it. Now she wanted to leave her big house, husband, children and leave. For many years, she managed to hide her vulnerability, fears from her childhood, hide feelings and fantasies from loved ones, fearing that she would be left like that.
And now there is a marriage, but there is no life within oneself and relationships. It was painful and difficult to revive. It was scary and risky to meet my husband again. But the marriage withstood these difficulties, and the prize was moments of meeting and joy, the feeling of pulsating blood through the veins and new desires in place of a desperate impulse to destroy the suffocating life.
It is often difficult to figure out the reasons yourself. In order to see yourself, you need another person, or even better one who can tell what he noticed. Of course, you can do it yourself, you can even do nothing at all, but then the relationship that could please, will continue to bring pain and inconvenience or collapse …
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