Let's Talk

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Most of the conflicts that occur in the family are associated with the fact that a man and a woman do not know how to talk to each other about their experiences, to express their feelings. This problem goes back to childhood, when the child's psychoemotional sphere is formed. A psychologist of the highest category, chairman of the Perm Association of Analytical Psychology, talks about the golden mean, infantilism, boys-husbands and girls-wives Svetlana Plotnikova.

Infantilism is evaluated in different ways. Someone enthusiastically speaks of childish spontaneity, someone is irritated by excessive naivety. Where do such polar assessments come from?

- Curiosity, charm, attractiveness, creativity, passion for one's dreams and fantasies - this is what is characteristic of childhood and what adorns life. These are the traits that are present in every person to one degree or another. We can talk about the infantilism of an adult in the case when his emotional life remains at a child's or adolescent level. In Jungian psychology, the one who actively implements child behavior is called "eternal child", "eternal youth", "eternal girl".

A mentally immature person strives for freedom, independence, pleasure and avoids responsibility. He gets annoyed and nervous about any restrictions and despises all boundaries and obstacles in his path. Likes to fantasize about plans for the future, about what will happen, what can and should be, while taking no decisive action.

Infantilism (psycho-emotional immaturity) is the result of upbringing.

Traditional education is based on three pillars: fear, shame and guilt. It was replaced by another extreme: now many believe that the child should not be limited in desires. With such a liberal approach, the “should” component is weak.

“Do what you want” does not work because it does not set boundaries in which a child can safely develop, learn about the world, “meet” his feelings, the resistance of his own and those around him, and learn to overcome obstacles. Parents must find and maintain a balance between "want" and "must".

The upbringing that you called traditional does not work. Liberal, in your words, too. What does the correct method look like?

- We can reflect on the golden mean. It is very important in raising a child to be able to correctly combine both approaches. Do not "fall" to one extreme or another. It is necessary that both the motivation of the child and the ability to listen to his desires, to share his feelings, and the ability to say "no" are present.

Speaking about the upbringing of the emotional-volitional sphere, one should separate maternal and paternal functions. Often, mothers raise their children, taking care of them, and then try to "preserve" them at a certain age and condition, supporting their childishness. Most of this happens unconsciously. It is necessary for the father to stimulate the "separation" of the child from the mother and his exit from the usual comfort zone into new social spheres. The growing up of children is associated with changes in relationships, and over time, with the departure from the "parental nest", for which parents are not always ready.

- What are your predictions for the future?

- Making forecasts is a thankless job. Moreover, in our country, which has a special history of global traumas. Our grandparents, mothers and fathers were so involved in the social life of the country that children were often left alone with themselves and their inner world. We can say that compensation is now taking place. What the previous generations were deprived of is being diligently implemented by the current parents. The current tendency is to take care of children, to protect them from everything that can give them tension and experiences. Often parents say: "I don't want my child to have the same trials that we faced in childhood."However, it is necessary to understand that the desire to protect the child from any psychological trauma is a step towards creating an infantile person. Trauma is a natural and necessary part of development. We begin to restrict the child, say no to him, make demands on him, and this is frustrating and traumatic for him. It is worth remembering that the entire fullness of our life consists not only of "good and positive", but also includes "bad and negative." Without this knowledge, the development of living space becomes incomplete and difficult. However, there is one important rule. Its observance will lead to the development of the psyche and its strengthening. The challenges and frustrations that your children will face should not exceed the level that the child's psyche can tolerate. They should be of sufficient intensity and time to stimulate the child to achieve the desired result, and not exceed the level of stress that would demotivate them. This value is individual and depends on the characteristics of the child.

- How is "necessary" inoculated?

- Our world, whatever one may say, is strictly regulated and full of all sorts of prescriptions. It is necessary to acquaint the child with the fact that there are boundaries. A child's first natural reaction is resentment and anger at being restricted. Traumatization occurs, but, as I said, it is necessary. And it is also necessary to help him meet the whole gamut of the feelings that have arisen. At this moment, the child understands that there is not only him, but also other people with their desires, interests, needs. He needs to live through these limitations and make sure that the world does not collapse because of this and mom and dad continue to love him.

- How can infantilism manifest itself in adulthood?

- An infantile person does not like to obey anyone or anything. He does not like it when someone and something burdens him, ties him to a certain place and time.

Usually, a newcomer to an organization determines what is allowed and what is not. He must have a set of social roles, see the restrictions and prohibitions imposed by society. But, if his character is oriented only towards his emotional experiences - “I don’t care what happens to them!” - it is clear how difficult it will be for him to fit into the organization.

The “eternal child” is distinguished by impatience, inability to engage in monotonous activities for a long time, which does not lead to quick success. He is able to work only as long as he is attracted to it, as long as he is overwhelmed by incredible enthusiasm. But he does not like to force himself, therefore, if he does not like something, he will simply leave this job and go in search of fresh impressions.

And if we talk about the family?

- Men and women choose a partner, as a rule, unconsciously. Often, an emotionally immature man chooses a woman who can take on a caring role. She gives him stability and well-being, takes care of him in the hope of changing him. And it serves as an unconscious embodiment of the image of his mother, since he is strongly dependent on her. A woman, on the other hand, is attracted to a man by lightness and spontaneity, the ability to create intrigue and play of feelings. At the first stage of falling in love, both are euphoric from complementing each other. Over time, everyday life makes itself felt, and more and more insistently there is a need for a man to take on obligations and responsibility, making mature decisions. Conflicts begin in the family.

The "eternal girl" often chooses a man who will be her protector, support, who will protect her from problems and define the boundaries of her capabilities and desires. This man is most often older than her and embodies the image of a great father. Such couples can exist as long as the wife-girl meets the expectations and laws of the husband-father. To embody for him a young image and awaken in him the liveliness of emotions that have faded over the years. If she begins to grow up, then problems may arise in the relationship, because partnership is a completely different format of relations.

If we turn to the topic of partnerships, then practice shows that difficulties in the family often arise from the fact that a man and a woman do not know how to talk to each other, do not know how to maintain close relationships. They do not know how to express and accept their feelings and the feelings of another. So the initial stage of psychological work is to teach spouses to talk to each other, to listen to each other's inner world. Revealing your feelings and desires forms trust between a man and a woman, and relationships begin to change for the better.

Interview for Companion magazine.