How Can I Not Smash The Whole World? Or Let's Talk About Annoyance, Anger, Anger And Rage

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

How does anger feel and what to do with it?

The spectrum of anger is quite large - first we feel dissatisfaction, then irritation, then anger, then anger and rage. Anger and rage are no longer so much a feeling as an affect. Affect is an emotional state, short-term, but saturated in intensity, which is very difficult to control, almost impossible. And the anger itself is a feeling, and it can be controlled.

Dissatisfaction is felt like a worm sitting inside and saying that something is wrong. The irritation is felt like itching, not so much on the body as inside. There is a desire to shove everyone, but not with a storm of emotions, but simply the feeling that everything is not right and everything is wrong, everything is not pleasant.

Anger is already felt as a stronger and more concentrated state of irritation. If irritation could be felt throughout the body, then the anger is concentrated in the chest and arms. And we understand that we already strongly dislike what is happening. Anger is an indicator that our borders are being stepped on. That is, they violate our comfortable distance with another person. For example, if we are accustomed to the fact that certain things in our house are in a certain place, then if someone puts them in a different place, then this can make us angry. Just feeling angry. What we do next with this anger is our choice. At this stage, we can still choose.

With feelings of dissatisfaction, irritation and anger, we still have the opportunity to make choices about what to do with them, but with anger and rage it is already more difficult. Anger can still more or less be contained. You can feel that someone or someone's actions are already very angry, but still hold on. Anger is felt more in the hands than anger. Hands are on fire and you want to do something with them (for example, hitting, or many people start cleaning in this state or any other action so that the hands are involved)

Feelings cannot be held in a state of rage. In this state there is a lot of energy, there is a feeling throughout the body that everything is on fire, sometimes you want to run, walk, do something, throw, shout. If we have allowed anger to become rage, then we can hardly hold it back.

With feelings of dissatisfaction, irritation, and anger, we still have the opportunity to make choices about what to do with them.

There are two opposite patterns of behavior (now I am citing two extremes). The first model of behavior is to throw out all the emotions that come at once (this is what fellow psychoanalysts call acting out). Then everyone around us suffers, then people often turn away from us.

And there is a model of behavior when a person does not tell the world anything about his feelings of anger and leaves his anger in himself (perhaps out of fear that everyone will turn away from us, if all his emotions are thrown out, as in the first case). The anger that goes into us goes into our body, and can be presented to us in the form of a disease. Or, this anger can manifest itself as auto-aggressive behavior.

Auto-aggressive behavior - when we are angry with someone, but we hold ourselves so as not to express our anger to that someone, and instead direct the anger in a different way towards ourselves (this can also be frequent innocent bodily harm, for example, a person is often hit begins - either on a chair, then on a table, then on a bed, then burns, then finds himself in situations where he could be harmed, and so on, this can be various destructive behavior towards himself - right up to thoughts or attempts at suicide). With auto-aggressive behavior, as a rule, we are angry with someone, but this someone is such a kind, good, sweet person, he did so many good things for us that we simply cannot afford to be angry with him. And so we turn all our anger on ourselves.

A more balanced model of behavior is when, firstly, we try to understand what exactly made us angry and look deeper. It is not a cup that has not been washed for 10 days that makes us angry, but the fact that the partner does not devote time to us and does not appreciate everything that we do for him, for example.

Next comes the thought process - what would we like in this situation, what would we not want, what other feelings does this situation evoke in us? What unmet needs lie behind our anger? There is always an unmet need behind anger.

Then a sincere conversation with a partner (or with a person who was angry with), in which we talk about our feelings when he does or does not do this and that and our request to do this and that. I emphasize once again that in this dialogue we are speaking precisely about feelingswithout going over to insults, not going over, as they say, on the person. This is possible if you start this dialogue, not when anger is on the verge of anger or rage. This is possible after a while, after the feelings have subsided a little.

We listen to his counterarguments, try to understand what kind of feelings he (she) experiences in connection with the raised topic. The technique is quite difficult to describe, as there are many nuances. It takes personal experience of each of us to understand how it works for each of us. The main thing here is to understand each other's feelings, pains in this situation. And give the other person the right to disagree with you. And it is important to agree on how we will interact with each other in the next such situation, so that no one will be hurt.

In the gestalt approach, it is believed that the feeling does not lie, that it is the truth, and behind it you can find a true need, not enveloped in the fetters of socialization or obligation. Therefore, when we speak with others in the language of feelings (that is, we present to the other not that he is bad, because this and that, but that you feel offended because the other did this, that), we become understandable, and the other can hear us, because our words do not offend him.

In addition, I think you should not be afraid sometimes and quarrel with each other. This releases a lot of energy into contact, including positive energy. More precisely, it allows positive feelings to appear in the relationship. Indeed, through conflict, through anger towards another and a constructive way out - there is true closeness in a relationship. When we risk being angry with another, when we find ourselves accepted by another, even angry, this creates even more trust in our partner, which means even more warm and tender feelings afterwards.

How do you feel your anger? And what are you doing with her?