Mom. Burnout. Survival Lessons

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Today I would like to talk about emotional burnout. The conversation will not be easy. I propose to consider the phenomenon of emotional burnout in the context of the state of young mothers (it just so happened that it was in this context that I considered this issue the other day). But I assure you that a number of techniques and techniques described today will be relevant not only in matters of parenting and not only for mothers. So…

My little one recently turned 4 … monthsJ This is "oh, not a lot" and "oh, how many" at the same time. It just so happened that I talked with mummies a lot even before the birth of my daughter. Many were my clients, but acquaintances, neighbors, colleagues, friends, etc. also met. There were different opinions about parenting. Some shouted at every corner that "CHILD HAPPINESS", others complained about the difficult parental lot. But it became especially interesting when I myself found myself in the position of a young lady-ball.

“Enjoy, it’s easy for you so far. In the last trimester, you will feel “the beauty of pregnancy”,”several experienced mothers told me. “You are still free! But when she is born - goodbye to normal sleep and life,”they said before giving birth. “It's still easy. But it will grow up and begin …”- they said when she gave birth. So …

The whole pregnancy flew by as if in one breath. Yes, I read specialized literature refreshing my knowledge about prenatal and perinatal development. Yes, I have been very careful in my research on strollers and cribs. But! This was not the end of my life. I continued to travel (yes, considering the peculiarities, but I did), went on excursions, did what I loved (I worked almost before giving birth), did creative work, read, watched my favorite films … In general, I lived in my usual rhythm with minor adjustments. I went in for sports (I agreed with the doctor), practiced relaxation techniques and just lived.

Gave birth. The process itself went well. Yes, this is not a walk in a chamomile field, but in theory I was ready for this and realized that alas, this is the law of nature and a kind of payment for intelligenceJ Yes, I had to get used to it. Yes, it was strange to realize that I was a mother, but every time I looked at my little one and kept waiting for that promised "kapets" to come. And I was surprised … how amazing she is … from the point of view of anatomy, neurology and psychologyJ (I am still surprised).

And just recently my husband and I went to a birthday party without a little baby. The cub stayed with its grandmother, because "on an adult birthday, a child has nothing to do" we thought. We walked well. It was a lot of fun. But, as a decent parent of a little bubouka, we had to return home to carry out all the evening rituals and put our sun to bed. So the party until the morning, alas, did not take place for us. A couple of days later, talking with my friend mommy, I said with a smile that I don't even remember those cases when I returned so early from my birthday. It was a new sensation and a new experience for me. So there was something to think about. To which she suddenly received an unexpected revelation from a friend. Sadness and grief sounded in the telephone receiver for 2 hours. A man who waited an awful long time for the birth of his child almost cried from fatigue, lack of sleep, irritation and even a huge sense of guilt for not feeling the joy of communicating with his child.

I listened, and before my eyes, excerpts from consultations ran before my eyes, where mothers spoke about it in whispers, where they cried from helplessness and powerlessness, where through tears and with a great sense of guilt, they spoke about the desire to escape from the child, about the irritation caused by children's requests and crying. And the saddest thing was that each of them, speaking about this, considered herself a monster and a moral monster, because a mother SHOULD love her children and be happy that she has them. AND SHOULD NOT be angry and negative.

So, listening to all this, I found the answer to the question "why do people need horror stories about parenting?" The fact is that all this time my acquaintances, warning me about the complexities of the future (and if it's easier, then trying to intimidate), reluctantly and unconsciously shared their hardships and, at times, repressed or hidden experiences. And looking back personally, I become sad from how many such mothers are around.

In modern society, it’s not easy to be a mommy. The world is filled with myths about mothers so incredible that they make all the wealth of Greek mythology experience an inferiority complex. In our society, mommy SHOULD be with everyone. She must give all of herself to the child (no nannies, only GV and better up to 3 years old, provide the baby with uninterrupted massage courses, swimming pools, and earlier development), while being an ideal wife (being interested in her husband, his affairs, surround him with care, organize family breakfasts, dinners, etc.), and the hostess in the house (cleaned, washed, ironed, cooked), look like a model (figure, manicure, pedicure, etc.), build a career in parallel, be socially active (parties, exhibitions, movies, festivals and blogging), do not interfere with people (be comfortable, do not feed in public places, do not attend events with a child, and generally it is better not to stick out) … in short, be a goddess. And at the same time, she must smile and radiate happiness with every cell of her being.

And then one day the goddess breaks down … Some break down after a year, others after 2 - 3, and some even after a month or a week … And it's not about "when?" Here you should rather ask the questions "why?" and what to do with it?". And it's better, to be honest, to do prevention at all.

Seriously, it's surprising to me that in such a developed society, very often people, and especially women, have no idea that there is emotional burnout (which is characteristic of mothers, since the appearance of even a very long-awaited child is a sudden change in life, which is very stressful) and even more so postpartum depression. The situation in this case resembles something like “I smell dzvin, I don’t know de vin”, because even hearing the names, only a few reach the essence of the questions. But this is dangerous. It is dangerous not to monitor your condition, it is dangerous to destroy yourself and let everything take its course. It is dangerous, both for the mother herself and for her family, and in particular for the child. After all, children learn to trust this world by looking at it through the eyes of their parents, and for a very long time with their mothers. They learn about safety and love from us adults. And believe me, it is impossible to deceive them.

Probably, this is why today I wanted to devote my time to the question of “mother's survival”. I do not believe in "goddesses" or "myths about modern mothers." I believe that it is healthy to be parents. That is why I propose to consider those "symptoms" that should alert you. And the main thing is to give recommendations on what to do about it. Of course, one post does not fit a whole library of recipes for all occasions. But the main points will fit well.

So, what symptoms might indicate that you are “tired of being a mom”?

1. You want to run away from your child at any cost.
2. You know what needs to be done (change diapers, pick up, feed), but you just can't do it. Your whole being resists this.
3. You wanted to jump out the window or throw out a child screaming for 2 days already.
4. You wanted (and sometimes did) scream almost obscenities at a sobbing baby.
5. It is difficult for you to be alone with your child.
6. Tears are constantly coming up.
7. You scream and quarrel with your husband over trifles (not a washed mug, not a closed toothpaste).
8. The child himself causes aggression and rejection in you.
9. There is a fear of harming your child.
10. You are sorry to be a parent.

This is not a complete list. And here we are not talking about dysfunctional families. All these feelings and desires are available to any normal person under stress. They are simply condemned by our society. And they are often hiding by their mothers. Although in some cases it is not possible to hide. For example, I can perfectly hear my neighbor shouting to her children “I’m twisting your heads” and at the same time behaves approximately with them in public. It’s hard to believe that screams and tantrums are frequent guests at home.

Moms feel guilty. Moms often hate themselves for this. And with all this they drive themselves even more into the trap. Therefore, after rereading the list, the task is not to tell the world “yes, I am capable of this” and engage in self-flagellation. The task is to admit that "I feel bad" and start looking for a way out.

Why does this happen? Why do such thoughts come to our minds, and feelings tear us to pieces? Why can happiness be painful?

Let's start from the very beginning. With the birth of your child, your life has changed. And this is forever. Mommies make such discoveries at the very beginning of their parenting path. The most commonplace situation that every mother has been in: you need to go to the toilet, and your child just at that second wanted to eat and with his loud voice that exceeds the noise of a jackhammer informs you about it. What do we do? You want to sleep, but your child does not. So what if it's 02.00 at night. PUSH! To put it simply, with the appearance of a baby, mothers have a tough conflict between their "need" and "want" and "need" and "want" the child. And alas, we have to move. In the beginning more, then less and less. But beyond that, from the moment the baby is born, you are no longer on your own. Now in this world there is someone who is dependent on you and demands you every second. Change, no matter how long-awaited, is always stressful. And we always need time to get used to, get comfortable, readjust and accept it. Yes, with motherhood you lose something and move in something, but you gain a lot too.

And also expectations and reality. There are fabulous "myths and legends" about "supermoms", and the neighbor's Petenka, who is just an angel, because "all children are like that", and the lack of experience of interacting with children, and most importantly, your ideal picture that you managed to draw during pregnancy (and sometimes even from the age of 5, playing at mothers and daughters). The fact is that all children are different. Some were born prematurely, some on time, and some were late. Pregnancy and childbirth proceeded differently for everyone. Everyone's characters are different. And the nervous system too. And all these factors affect the tiny little man you meet. But not everything is so scary and fatal. In fact, every person is a combination of biological and social. The child's nervous system is not yet fully formed. There are inclinations, but then everything is in our hands. Therefore, in the beginning, do not set grandiose goals. Meet first. The main thing is attentiveness and patience. Then you can pick up the key for your baby. And everyone will be fine.

Health status. I have heard a lot of stories about how childbirth “rejuvenates and heals”. That's just not all like that. Situations are different. And childbirth is not always perfect. But, despite how everything went with you, it is worth remembering that childbirth is work. Both you and your baby worked hard and everyone needs time to recover. Therefore, it is worth considering your health carefully. You do not need to perform feats and include heroism. People are characterized by both psychosomatics and somatopsychics. So the deterioration of your physical and psychological health can undermine in no time.

Being within four walls. Either the weather is bad, then there is no strength. And then the grandmothers, out of good intentions, vying with each other, shout that "stay at home until a year." So … dear mothers. Firstly, it is up to you and only you to decide how to raise your child. That's why he's yours. Want to go somewhere, visit, etc. - go. The main thing is to take into account the interests of the child and his age. But there are enough materials on the issue of children's comfort and prevention of child's overexcitation. And there is no need to sit at home for days. Secondly, a variety of events for parents with children or simply Kid-friendly parties are becoming more and more popular. So for more courage and forward.

Lack of communication. Before giving birth, you lived in a regime - "where I want to fly there." After that, things get a little more complicated. And it is more difficult to escape alone, and you cannot drag the child everywhere, but someone lives "to close the ground." So it turns out that the whole social circle is narrowed down to the family, mothers of acquaintances, social. networks and mommy chats. And also a kid. But here it is not only a matter of narrowing the circle of communication, but also of its quality. It's okay if your friends and relatives are all positive and cheerful people. But often relatives are anxious and strive to teach you how to raise your child, regardless of whether you ask it or not. On social networks, you look at the "ideal life" of your friends and the thoughts run through that you also want to be so free (although in fact, a lot is embellished in social networks). And mommy's chats … it's a separate pain. Often there are anxious mothers in them, in whom every one of their children causes panic. They pour out this anxiety in the chat on their interlocutors, who themselves are not very calm. As a result, anxiety multiplies like a snowball, leading all participants in the process to a new and new round, creating a false sense of security (due to belonging to a group) and winding up at the same time. Here in my head Carlson's phrase “Calm! Only calmness! ". The quality of communication for moms is really very important. And if something has already happened that worries you, then you should not go to the chat, you should go to the pediatrician. In general, it is worth remembering that everyone should mind their own business: parents to educate, doctors to treat and consult, and friends and relatives to support and warm with their warmth (or at least not interfere).

No time for yourself. We remember the situation with the toilet. Sitting and feeding a child, almost crawling on the wall and regretting the lack of a diaper for yourself - this is often met. An endless to-do list and a requirement to match. In the beginning everything, and I - how to do it. In the end, it turns out that one day you just fall and no longer work.

Groundhog day. Caring for a baby is often reminiscent of groundhog day. You perform the same manipulations in a circle and the days fly uncontrollably, and you feel like just an appendage to the child. Since the world is tied only to his needs. But you also have them.

Pressure from outside. I have often met "good girls". They so wanted to please everyone: the child, and the husband, and the mother, and the mother-in-law. And the opinion of the girlfriends is also important. And also Irka has time for everything with neighbors, and I should be no worse. And Vasya is already reading at the age of 3, but ours is not. It's sad, but in such cases, no matter how hard you try, you will still hear “what kind of mother are you ?!”. And Vasya is quite possibly not as good as they say. And Irka is not a fact that everything is in time. Myths … And you dear mothers, please remember that you are no longer girls, but women. They are quite mature, smart and independent. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. You need harmony with yourself. Everything.

And so … What to do if all the same "mom's fatigue" overtook you?

Adoption

In order to overcome difficulties, one must first acknowledge their presence and accept the situation. I would really like you to understand that what you feel is normal. Mothers do not become from the moment a baby is born. They learn to be mothers and this is work. And yes, it happens when this work can lead to burnout (especially due to inexperience and ignorance). Believe me, there are no perfect mothers in the world. And a lot of women have experienced feelings with your relatives at least once. It's just that not everyone is ready to admit it. But recognition is the first step to changing the situation and helping yourself.

2. Down with perfectionism.

Let yourself not be perfect. With the advent of your baby, your life will change. You will have another role, and the other roles are not going anywhere either. Therefore, you should not strive to be at your best everywhere and always. Learn to adapt and try to develop flexibility. The appearance of a child is a very important reason to reconsider your old lifestyle and form a new one. And even in this new one, one should not strive for the ideal. Believe me, the ideal mom is not the one who has a child with a massage therapist and a swimming teacher at 4 months old. The ideal mom is a myth. Reality is a good enough mom. A mom who loves her child and strives for balance instead of being ideal, setting priorities. Each person has his own reserve of strength. Therefore, you should not strive to be like Masha from the next doorway. Count on your resources and your needs and capabilities.

3) prioritizing

How long have you been on an airplane? Remember the flight attendant instructions? "If you are traveling with children, then when the cabin is depressurized, first put on a mask on yourself, then help the child." There is something similar in the description of the lessons of survival in the desert. When water is scarce, priority is given to the adult over the child. Why? Because without an adult in an extreme situation, the child will not survive. So … In the family, the laws are the same. Prioritization is always yours. It is you who are responsible for the normal development (physiological and psychological) of the child. It depends on your emotions and behavior how the personality of your child will be formed, and on this and his future life. Therefore, mother should be rested and joyful, and not a driven horse. Motherhood is not a punishment or a prison. This is a new round of your life. Therefore, questions about whether you will have a GV or an artificial baby, the duration of the decree, the availability of work, a nanny and a kindergarten are questions that every mother decides for herself, taking into account her capabilities. The family is like a pack. And it was the child who appeared in your flock, and not you with him. And that is precisely why adults have always been the main ones in the pack, since they ensured survival. So in your family, when prioritizing, keep in mind that for the well-being of the family, the parents need to be in good health.

How will mom relax? In the beginning, at least through communication. But as I said earlier, through high-quality and pleasant communication. Take time to pick up a friend, do not be afraid to go with a stroller to the park with your girlfriends or to a cafe. In the beginning, your little one will sleep a lot and allow you to do it. Later, look for an opportunity to play sports or attend a master class. To sneak out of the house for a while. Let it be once a week or at 2. Let it be 40 minutes. But it must be! You, too, need rest and a change of scenery. And even a break from the baby. If you cannot be left alone at home, go out into the fresh air. Switching is what everyone needs. Especially mom. Healthy selfishness is normal.

4. Planning.

Imagine that you are working in an office and today you have 5 meetings. Only the time and place, as well as the duration, are not known to you. The question is: how will they go?

What is it all about? Being a mom is a job! Huge work requiring good self-organization. Often the appearance of a baby is a new pile of tasks that brings chaos to the usual rhythm of life. As a result, a mountain of unwashed linen at home, a dog almost dying of hunger, and all the flowerpots fell in an unequal battle. And at this time, you are chaotically moving around the house in panic, trying to do everything in time. Stop! If in a normal workflow you did not have time to accustom yourself to planning, then the time has come now.

Stop first. Anxiety and spasmodic running have never been positive. Therefore, it is worth changing tactics. Take some time for yourself in the beginning. What for? To review your load and strategize. Divide your life into spheres (for example: everyday life (cleaning, washing, cooking), a dog (caring for an animal), plants (caring for flowerpots), relationships (you and your husband), work (if any), baby (everything with it is connected) and yourself (meeting with friends, manicure, yoga)). Each area has routine tasks. Those that are repeated from day to day or at a different frequency. Write down on a piece of paper for each area all the tasks and how often each should be performed (walking with the child - every day, vaccination of the dog - once a year, change of bed linen - once a week, etc.). Now mark those tasks that only you should do and those where you can attract help. Now take a glider (or open your smartphone) and plan ahead. Yes, in some cases you cannot guess exactly what time you will do it. But in part it is real. And you can also define for yourself what you want today and what is really important to you now. Somewhere you will see that you need help and will be able to agree in advance with your loved ones. And also … The illusion that "I am not doing anything" is looking for. Now, having a plan of affairs and crossing them out, you yourself will see how productive you are, and you will be able to answer your loved ones the question "what have you done today?" And this is another reason to say to myself "I'm great." This is a great way to boost your self-esteem and see prospects.

For this approach, both a notebook and a program on the phone are suitable. Personally, I introduced both for myself. There are a lot of useful programs for parents now, and they can significantly unload you without forcing you to keep a lot of information in your head. And the system of reminders will perfectly help to develop new necessary habits. Even a list of the necessary contents of the stroller for long walks will allow you not to run convulsively under the crying of a child with cries of "Did I take everything?"

5. Combine several cases.

This is a continuation of the glider story. You have already mastered new skills, you know how much time you spend on routine tasks. Now you can switch from serial execution to parallel execution in some cases. A simple example: you started a washing machine with children's clothes, and yourself … there are a lot of options. You want to go for a walk, you want to cook, you want to play with your child. The pace of life in the modern world is very high. Often the cause of a depressive state is the feeling that "I stop developing and degrade." In the world of modern technology, it is much easier for us to do several things at the same time. Walking with your baby on the street, while he sleeps in a stroller or plays, without requiring your active inclusion in the sandbox, you can listen to audio books or podcasts, not to mention seminars and online training programs. And this, again, allows you not to load in diapers and see such a necessary result. And also just do not stand still. Among my acquaintances, there are cases when my mother managed to broaden her professional horizons during maternity leave, which helped her when leaving the maternity leave. The only question is in priorities, and in planning J. All in your hands.

6. Physical activity.

Sports activities are beneficial not only for the body, but also for the soul. Yes, you can not always start playing sports early. There is not always the financial and physical opportunity to go to the gym. But! If you think that carrying a stroller and a baby on handles can replace sports, then alas this is a mistake. You need to switch and do something for yourself. Therefore, sport can be a lifeline. Moreover, in addition to the gym, there is a sea of video lessons on the network that can be a salvation for a while. Moreover, in some of them there are also exercises for mothers with children. This will certainly not be a 2 hour session. But let it be 10-20 minutes. This is not bad either. With classes, you switch to time from the child and routine, improve your physical fitness and also teach your family by your example (and this is very important!) To a healthy way of life. No matter how tired you seem, even a short gymnastics session can make you feel happy at the hormonal level.

7. Take time for yourself.

It is impossible to give joy and teach to love the world when you yourself are far from loving it and you yourself are unhappy. It is important for you to take time for yourself. For what? In order to trivially adapt to a new situation in life, to relax, change the environment, maintain their normal state and appearance. Do you think this is selfishness and stealing of time from a child? Working as a mom is a full-time job 24/7. Therefore, think about what a mother in the state of a driven horse can teach her baby? A mother who sacrifices herself and at the same time teaches the child that parenting is from relatives of God's punishment, that suffering is an important component of life and that either I owe everyone, or everyone owes me. Is this what you want to teach your children? Or was the development of a happy and successful child still in the plans?

So how do you find time for yourself? Your best partner in the process of raising your child, you will be surprised, is your husband! I speak as a partner because I am deeply convinced that dads should not help mothers with children. They should be involved in raising their children. It was not only you who gave birth to your own child, dear mother. This is your common child and the responsibility lies with 2 parents. Is your dad tired at work? Great, no one forces him to work at home on projects, and he can relax by communicating with the baby. I often heard the argument that “our dad is armless and knows nothing about the child,” but forgive mom, I disagree with you. At the beginning of your child's life, he or she knows him as well as you. That is, no wayJ And therefore he has every chance to learn everything about the child. They just either do not want or are afraid. There is also a wonderful myth that women know everything about children and that this is part of nature. But in fact, women's knowledge of children is not too different from men's and myths there are more than truth. Therefore, mothers do not be afraid to leave the child with the father. Yes, he will not do any action in relation to the child like you. But he will simply do differently and will learn. Don't deprive yourself of your best partner.

As for dads … There is an opinion that taking care of children is only a woman's job. But I would like to draw your attention to the fact that dad is not the one who just conceived a child and appears in his life once a month. Dad is the one who accompanies the child all his life from the very first second. Its meaning for a child is completely different from that of a mother. But it's huge. You teach daughters to be real girls and boys to be men. You bring children out into the world. Therefore, do not deprive your children of such an important guide. And also myself to the joys of fatherhood. After all, if you were not near your child until 3 years old, but only lived in the same territory, you should not be surprised that he will not accept you.

And yet, a real man is not the one who, having drunk a bottle of beer, tells about exploits, or divides the world into feminine and masculine. The man is the support and protection of the family. This is support for your woman. Do you want to see a smile on your spouse's face? So that she is well-groomed, beautiful, and most importantly loving you - everything is in your hands! Give her this opportunity. Help her. And this investment will be returned to you with interest.

And also about grandmothers. Grandmothers and relatives are also great support groups. Don't be afraid to ask them for help. If you cannot, well, at least you will know that you need to look for another option, but if you can, you have time for yourself and for two (that how to be with your husband alone is also important, at least sometimes). The only thing worth considering is that only parents accept the rules in your home regarding the upbringing and organization of children. Grandmothers are important and necessary, but their task is completely different and they have already realized their chance to raise children in you. Now you.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. This is fine. Let me remind you that "super mom" is a myth!

8. Invest in yourself.

Yes, you have given birth to a child. Yes, you do not go to social events. But, this is not a reason to walk with a dirty head, without a manicure (if it has been a part of your life for many years), with regrown roots. Self-care, the opportunity to pamper yourself is not a luxury, but a necessity! This is how you can improve your emotional state, regain your confidence and a sense of your own worth. For many mothers it is important to feel that "I am, and I am not only a mother." Therefore, do not forget about it. And such changes will have a beneficial effect on relationships, strengthening your family.

Nowadays baby-fashion is very popular and mothers throw out a lot of money for those things that the child will wear 1-2 times and which are not so important for him, just to show cool pictures in social networks. Dear mothers, do not imitate happiness! Don't try to maintain a facade of well-being. Invest in yourself! You are the resource that can bring joy to your family. We remember the plane. It is important not to imitate - it is important to be!

This is a short list of recommendations. Of course, there is always room to expand it. But, finally, I would like to walk through prevention. Since, dear mothers, the disease, as doctors say, is easier to prevent than to cure.

And so, what is worth knowing about prevention:

We focus on ourselves

Let me remind you that this child appeared in your life, and not vice versa. And it depends on you what will happen to him next. Therefore, in the beginning you should be normal. Then, in harmony with your husband, since you two are a whole world for the baby, and the world should be safe and joyful. This will create a healthy environment to further pursue your treasure. It's simple - you have to have it to invest. So generate happiness in yourself so that you can then invest it in relationships and in your child!

2. Organize your time.

If you work or you just have a bunch of things to do, try to be careful about planning and organization. You won't be doing perfect everywhere. But you can keep up with your plan while saving time. Think about how best to organize the process to minimize costs. It is possible.

3. Share household responsibilities with your husband.

Your husband is your best partner. Make a list of household and childcare responsibilities. Think together what only you can do, what only he can do, and where you can connect periodically. This is how you can not drive yourself, maintain your relationship and become even closer.

4. Learn to ask for and accept help.

At first, you actually need time to understand and accept a new life situation. You will need to get to know your baby and still have time to come to your senses after changing your sleep schedule and a new pace of life. Therefore, do not be afraid to ask your relatives for help and do not respond to help on the principle "I am all so independent." The day will come, you will figure it out and you may not need help. But for now, you can just say thank you.

5. Don't feel sorry for yourself.

Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's not usual. But self-pity doesn't change the situation. Changes the real action. Therefore, look for a way out. Can't find it? Then a psychologist! This is not a shame and not out of the ordinary. Being a mom is a job. And a specialist consultation will not hurt.

So. Everything seems to be. Today it came out somehow not short. But what to do. Take care of yourself and remember the most important resources are not outside, but only in the middle of yourself. So enrich your inner world, learn to relax and be honest with yourself and everything will be the way.

Good luck.