2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Butler is a person who is trying to get off the emotional hook, pushing his emotions aside and further doing his own. They remove unwanted feelings, as the latter create inconvenience and distract from the main thing.
If you're a botler who doesn't like his job, you can get rid of your negative feelings in a rational way: "At least I have a job." If you are unhappy in your relationship, you can dive into an urgent project. If you forget about yourself while doing other people's affairs, put off your sadness and stress by reminding yourself that your "time is still coming."
The problem with botlers is that ignoring anxious emotions does not resolve the underlying causes. Deep problems are not being addressed. Therefore, it is typical for botlers to remain in an unloved job and in an unhappy relationship for years. They are so focused on moving forward and not being in the background that they get rid of real emotions for years, which makes any change and growth very difficult.
The botler's behavior has another aspect - trying to think positively so that there are no negative thoughts in his head. Unfortunately, it takes a very large chunk of the mental range to try not to take some measures. Research shows that trying to minimize or ignore thoughts and emotions only amplifies them.
In a very simple study, sociopsychologist Daniel Wagner told participants not to think about polar bears. They were unable to complete this task. Even later, when the ban was lifted, they thought about polar bears much more than the control group, which did not have such a ban.
This is the irony of botlerism. It seems to give us control, but in fact it takes it away. First, it’s your emotions that take over. Secondly, suppressed emotions will surely come out in an unforeseen way - this process in psychology is called emotional outflow. For example, say you are angry with your sister and try to suppress that feeling. But after a glass of wine at Easter lunch, you throw a poignant line. And you have to deal with a family scandal.
Bottling is usually done with the best of intentions and is productive for the down-to-earth person. We tell ourselves: "think positively", "get ahead", "despite this, do not stop." And unwanted emotions seem to disappear. But in fact, they went underground and are ready to emerge at any moment - they will be unexpectedly and powerfully pushed out by the frenzied pressure that kept them.
The botling strategy is one type of short-term aspirin that we grab onto with the best of intentions. But if we do not pay attention to the cause, then we will not be able to end suffering. The incidental use of botling methods or the extraordinary appeal to them is not fatal (after all, we are talking about emotional flexibility). In fact, these strategies may be optimal. But if they are used by default (as is often the case), they become counterproductive, allowing the hook to hold you back.
To be continued…
The article appeared thanks to the book "Emotional Agility" by Susan David
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