An Emotional Hook For Hope?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"A swallower is a hook that the fish swallows deeper than usual, and the auto-hook is triggered on it, that is, as soon as the fish pulls a little, it is on the hook." (c) site for anglers

“Small fish used as bait, baits for catching larger fish ◆ In the kitchen, you could see how sleepy fish are finished off, how they pull out a swallow from a catfish, how they nibble a chicken and extract half-delivered eggs from it … AS Bukhov, "Canvas for a biographer", 1918 "Wiktionary

The person may realize that these relationships are traumatic. But something makes you come back to them again and again. The rational part is just screaming "enough, this won't end well." Or maybe he doesn't even scream, but quietly asks from the corner, "Do you really need this?" But the emotional part answers “I cannot live without Him” and “what if everything will end perfectly and we will be happy”.

Rationality is a good thing, but, alas, it does not always protect from the emotional hook. I want to tell you about the emotional "swallow". Quite often, narcissists do this, and this happens in codependent relationships.

The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is quite often a fairy tale. "Our meeting took place on the clouds." The Fairy Prince (or Princess) is very quick to strive to develop a relationship … and break the boundaries of the victim. Calls, esemeski, letters, bouquets and other attention. Typically, there is too much of it, like a whole cream cake instead of a brownie. But the victim probably won't notice. She is drowning in a sea of attention and ostentatious love. Then the narcissist will show his cruel part, and episodes of love will alternate with more and more violent violence.

In moments after the violence, the victim will at some point reach the limit of patience and leave. Will leave for a while or leave the narcissist in his thoughts.

What's the matter? It seemed that the person understood everything, but she continues to love the person who brought her so much pain.

About traumatic attachment, Kim Saed writes, that memories of good times attach to bad people as much as good times, we attach to them as much as to good people, and perhaps even stronger. The core of toxic relationships is based on traumatic attachment.

Longing for a person, like a drug addiction - intense biochemical fluctuations that accompany the process of approaching and moving away, are addictive. The desire to continue the relationship was based on sensory memories stored in the mind and body.

Over time, this longing gradually decreases, new interests and attachments appear. Psychotherapy helps a lot, awareness of these sensations is built.

There are still emotional hooks of hope. Deep in their hearts, the person continues to hope that the toxic partner can be changed and create the "brave new world" that the narcissist promised so generously at the beginning of the relationship.

Varya in the process of divorcing her toxic spouse, suddenly meets Him. He writes to her hundreds of emails a day, "my beautiful princess, I love you so much that I even hug the monitor on which your photo is." Then it turns out that the "prince" is a daffodil. Varya breaks up with him, but it is difficult for her to start a new relationship, because others do not promise to hug the monitor with her photo. Her hook - these are gentle affectionate words that she has heard so little in her life.

Eleanor found Him on the Internet. He looks kind and wise and promises to love her, take her to another country and carry her in his arms there. In the course of the relationship, it turns out that the hero is married, has two lovely daughters and will not leave the family anywhere. Her rational part understands this, but she waits and waits. It seems to her that "suddenly, suddenly" he will understand everything and they will leave together. The "hero" continues to hold her on the hook, periodically adding promises to leave together "when everything is working out, a little later …"

Lika is waiting for him in a small town. He moved to the capital a long time ago, in the town where he was born it happens very rarely. He has an apartment, a car, a job. Years go by, but Lika believes that he loves only her, “it's just that now there is a crisis and the project has to be closed and only then … yes …” he doesn't even finish the sentence. On the word, then Lika fantasizes herself. There is a happy world in her dreams, where she is happy as she used to be at the beginning of a relationship.

Sergei had "golden hands", he repaired any equipment for a long time, when he had not drunken yet. In hard drinking, he fiercely swears and scandals, but Maria faithfully believes his promises to "tie". She is sure that next month he will definitely stop, fix everything in the apartment, earn a sweet life together.

Hope, like a "torch" in the dark, illuminates people's lives. Or maybe it's time to understand that nothing can be changed. "Loved" will not be the same as it was at the beginning of the relationship. He was not like that in the beginning, there was only a mask, a sweet image built to charm.

Killing hope is very difficult, because accepting that these sweet dreams will not come true is very, very painful.

These hooks are very individual for everyone. Psychotherapy helps to identify them and to understand why and for what old trauma they cling. If this injury is healed, the hooks will have nothing to hold onto. And you will be able to give up the old pain and go forward.