The Husband Returned To The Family: Mistakes Of Reconciliation

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

As a family psychologist, every day I work with families where my husband cheated or left. In most cases, the family can be recovered. However, having done a great job of reconciling the spouses, I often come across such behavioral features of the husband and wife, which, in the future, can reduce all successes to zero. And this was already when the husband broke up with his mistress and returned to his home! After that, the work of a psychologist starts on the second round, and it is much more difficult to reconcile irritated husbands and wives.

What causes breakdowns in the process of reconciliation with a departed husband? Due to some peculiarities of the psychology of women and men. I will briefly describe them for the information of those husbands and wives who may find themselves in a similar situation and will not be able to seek help from an experienced psychologist.

Three nuances of female behavior when the husband returns to the family

Nuance 1. The wife demands from the returning husband to answer: "Did he love the mistress to whom he left the family ?!" Of course, my husband loved. Otherwise I would not have left the family. But it is extremely difficult to answer honestly to a man's wife. Because if he says that he “loved”, the wife will explode with resentment. And he will say: “Well, since he loved, then why did he come back to me ?! So go where you had strong feelings! You will pack your suitcase yourself! " If he says that he "did not love", then he will put himself in the position of a complete fool. Because, it becomes generally not clear why he left.

Here are the returned husbands and try to remain silent, further irritating their wives. Because the wives think: “If he is silent, then he loved! Once he loved, he can leave again at any minute. So let him go!"

Hence, I say directly: Unfortunately for humanity, men and women can love two or more representatives of the opposite is complete. This love can be of different strength and have different shades. You can play with words and call one feeling "love", another "passion", the third "habit and respect" and so on. But in any case, all this will be love, just being in its various stages. Hence, when I start working with women who wish to return their husbands, I honestly tell them: “It makes sense to return a husband who has changed or left the family only if there are at least three factors:

- a husband, as a person and a family man, is worth returning. That is, it has no obvious disadvantages in its behavior, but it has many obvious advantages;

- the wife is ready to eliminate those problems in her behavior (appearance, intimacy, motherhood, communication, etc.), which pushed her quite worthy husband away from her;

- the wife is ready to live with her husband who has returned to the family in the amnesty regime, without endless discussion of his departure, the degree of morality of this act, the nature of the relationship with another woman, discussion of feelings, etc.

If at least one of these three terms is lost, the whole struggle for the husband's return to the family will lose its meaning."

Based on the meaning of the third paragraph, I ask the wives who return or have returned their departed husbands: You should not ask your husband about feelings for another woman, as you risk hearing a lot of unpleasant things for yourself, and with your tantrums, revive your husband's feelings for your rival with your tantrums.

Nuance 2. The wife requires her husband to confirm that he returned to her, as a person and a woman, and not to children, and the usual way of life. And if this does not sound from the husband, or it sounds indistinct, then an emotional female explosion occurs again: “If you do not need me as a woman, then go out! I need you to love children, and put up with me! You will be able to communicate with children anyway, I do not interfere! And let the other wash your socks and panties!"

There are two points that are important for wives to understand: for most men, wife and children are inseparable. It's like a woman's husband and his pay are inseparable. Therefore, it is simply incorrect to artificially oppose “me or the children”. The husband came straight to his wife and child (children). And this will be so if the wife herself does not destroy this associative connection in her husband with scandals and does not lead him to the idea that such a separation is, in principle, possible.

As for the notorious "socks and underpants", this is a myth. It must be understood that during the period when mistresses are fighting for married men, they create quite comfortable living conditions for them. They are fed, watered, washed and sexually courted. Therefore, for many men, returning to a family is not at all associated with an increase in the level of domestic comfort. The habit of home life is certainly a very strong thing. But it is more effective when combined with psychological comfort. Hence, the task of a smart wife is to provide exactly this amount.

Nuance 3. The wife considers it right to periodically show her sad appearance and depression to her returning husband, cry and ask him: "Well, how could you do this to us?" Of course, wives expect that from this husband's feelings for them will become even stronger, this will motivate the husband to hug and kiss her more often. However, the effect is the opposite. Many men say that seeing their wife's resentment and melancholy, they believe that it is much worse for her that her husband returned than he would have left. Therefore, they are ready to go no longer to their mistress, but simply to leave in order to save their wife from torment, but themselves from shame. In addition, a depressed wife certainly does not motivate her husband, not only for sexual exploits, but for family sex in general. So, the scheme of sad pressure on the husband's conscience usually hits the wife herself.

Three nuances of male behavior when returning to the family

Nuance 1. Returning husbands shy away from restoring intimate relationships in the family. This behavior is unambiguously wrong and creates conditions for both the resentment of the wife and the accumulation of the man's sexual desire with the former lover.

Nuance 2. Returning husbands do not want to discuss the reasons for what happened with their wife, they are trying to keep silent. This is the wrong scheme. Since silence is always a repetition of what happened. There will be no relapses only if the husband and wife discuss past marital mistakes in a coherent and correct manner and develop rules for more successful family behavior. Discussion does not imply savoring the dirty details of cheating, it just doesn't need to be done. But the very causes of conflicts, departures and betrayals must be honestly discussed and eliminated.

Nuance 3. Some husbands who have returned to the family begin to behave arrogantly, like winners. This is also not true! The winners of the reconciliation in

the family is only children. And only if the parents make the right conclusions for themselves from what happened. Husband and wife should be equally attentive to each other and positive, benevolent and welcoming. No one should dictate terms to each other and reign. Personally, I'm sure:

Reconciliation of spouses is not so much about ending the conflict, how much start to start working together to strengthen the marriage.

I emphasize: the work is joint, and not according to the "swan, cancer and pike" scheme.

Therefore, when I work with husbands returning to the family, I require them to accept three points for themselves:

- it is important for a wife to show her personal value for her husband, to restore her feminine self-confidence;

- family restoration implies active family sex;

- spouses must learn to regularly, and most importantly, discuss current family problems in a timely manner and without offense and improve their behavior.

Actually, this was shown above.

Only with the exclusion of these typical mistakes, the chances of reconciled spouses for a dignified and happy life in the future will increase. If they step on these "mops of reconciliation", they will be saved only by the enormous mutual patience and advice of an experienced family psychologist.

If you need the help of a psychologist in overcoming the crisis in your family life, I will be glad to try to help you during a personal or remote online consultation.