Arrangements, Balance, Disappointment

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Relationship with a person who is unable to fulfill agreements is impossible (c)

Instead of an introduction, one moment.

A good criterion that this is really an agreement is that it has been voiced and accepted by all parties.

Because “now I get married, and the question of money is no longer my problem” or “that's it, there is a wife, now clean and ironed shirts will appear in the closet by themselves” is not an agreement.

I have no doubt about the psychic abilities of a person and the talent to read non-verbal signals in the most accurate way. But to voice and hear what the other agrees with is, in my humble opinion, more reliable.

After this is arranged, it sometimes happens that one of the participants gradually breaks the agreement. He invests a little less, accidentally forgets, “flies out” in urgent matters, insurmountable circumstances, tight timing. This happens almost imperceptibly. In general, everything is in order. There is just a slight bewilderment, a feeling of imbalance and a growing feeling of irritation. The increasing number of quarrels “out of the blue” is another marker.

There are people who are light on agreements. Of course, they enter into a relationship. Sometimes they come across partners for whom agreements are like an unbreakable spell. And when the first one has already “forgotten”, the other continues his “phantom” movements. Like a fish that is taught that there is an obstacle that needs to be swum away, and even when the obstacle is removed, it continues to follow its usual trajectory.

So, if one of the partners violates part of the agreements, the other may also not adhere to them. He is automatically and magically released from his obligations. Disenchanted.

It seems to be obvious from the "metaposition", but in the process, from the inside, it is not always so clearly visible. And this is a useful "marginal note".

For example, from interaction with the corporate sector: did not pay for the Internet - they turned off (oh, horror!); did not book a hotel - you will not check in. And you can shout as much as you like in the bank that you need money. If you lost your card, forgot your PIN code and didn't take your passport, nothing will work.

But in personal relationships it turns out.

You can drag on your commitments for a long time and not notice that the balance is violated. To others, of course, it is convenient. He or she does not do his or her part of the work, but benefits. Unknowingly and without malice, but still.

Moreover, if after a while Party A decides to return to fulfill its part of the obligations, Party B is not obliged to return to its own. Previous agreements have been destroyed. They are no more. The couple got into new circumstances, where there is experience, albeit small, but betrayal.

It is worth trying to renegotiate, but this does not automatically work. Or it wouldn't have worked better.

This whole story with agreements, responsibilities, balance, in my opinion, is about healthy or broken borders. As with theft - if you pulled a little and there was nothing for it, you want more. Because you can.

And suddenly it turns out that your things are no longer yours - they are common, so "leave your car and take the subway." Or a wife has been working for years and pulls her husband, because he does not find a worthy one! work, and after the divorce, in less than a year, he buys himself a new apartment and a car. Or the book is written by one, and it comes out under a different name - oops, but you almost did it together - one was drinking tea and was there, and the other was reading suitable texts and typing in letters.

In general, you can live as you like, but the resource is limited, and there is little time. Therefore, a person simply becomes a donor. A good donor for someone else's good life.

In terms of internal dynamics, a person breaks agreements when he no longer wants to invest in a business or relationship. He doesn't want to make this effort.

And this is always an effort. And if on sunny days it is given easily, then on cloudy days it is very noticeable.

When a person is not aware of what is happening to him, in this way he reveals the truth about himself. We are so arranged that we always broadcast ourselves as real. Especially in close relationships, where it is impossible to control everything.

Therefore, it is not useful to automatically return to old contracts. Circumstances change significantly and should be reconsidered.

Of course, all this is about talking, going to personal and couples therapy. It is not clear how it will end, but it is clear that the need of the violator has shifted. And it would be better to determine for yourself whether you are able to live in new circumstances without giving up yourself, at the same time.

This is the beginning of the crisis. The deeper the steam dives into it, the more frustration builds up.

Some have avoided it for decades. They have a good facade relationship. “We never swear”, “We are always doing well”, “I obey my husband / wife in everything” - these and similar phrases, for me personally, are alarming. From experience, behind them lies a tremendous amount of dissatisfaction, anger, loneliness and hopelessness.

Disappointment finalizes the unfulfilled expectation, and it does not apply in any way to the person opposite, if it was not agreed. If you continue to stand in this place, a real other appears. No graphics or filters. There is a chance of meeting.

This meeting occurs if strength and wisdom remain in the relationship by this moment.

Here you can more accurately see the other, with his pros and cons, and decide what to do next with this happiness.

Maybe this “new” person is not that far from how you saw him before. Then you can accept small flaws in the form of socks on the chandelier or cups that are always left around the apartment.

Or understand that your imagination is too well developed and your eyesight is poorly focused.

In any case, this is good, because it gets rid of the superficial and frees up energy to move in the most honest direction for oneself.