2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Markers of avoidant behavior in relationships with an intimate partner (husband / wife, lover / mistress): 1.workaholism; 2. increased interest in hobbies, parties; 3. avoiding conflict resolution through self-isolation or passive-aggressive style (alcohol consumption, computer games, leaving home, punishment by silence); 4. avoidance of sexual relations; 5. attempts to interrupt or break off relations, frequent statements of the desire to live alone.
The origins of the avoidant style of behavior with partners come from childhood, in which the boy had a controlling, aggressive or incestuous mother, and the girl had a father.
A controlling mother (like a father) often has a masochistic, sacrificial nature, she herself can be codependent, controlling dependent family members (an alcoholic husband, often sick or having other problems son / daughter). Unconsciously, such a mother maintains a derogatory attitude towards controlled family members, control is carried out through the formation of a complex of inferiority and guilt, the lack of warm psychological contact can be redeemed by giving gifts, material, physical help.
Aggressive parenting is also a way of control, only through fear, incestuous - through implicit seduction. In all three cases, there is an enumeration with a systematic violation of boundaries.
From the memoirs of a 38-year-old woman:
My father brought me up cruelly. At that time, their relationship with my mother began to deteriorate, she refused him sexual intimacy. Because of this, my father made loud scandals in the middle of the night: my mother ran to escape to my room, then he ran into it and demanded from her fulfillment of marital duty.
At such moments, I experienced a terrible fear of my father. I was afraid that he would kill his mother and I would have to play the role of a sexual object for him. Realizing this, I understood why I want to avoid having sex with my husband now, why I perceive him as an aggressor and instead of being attracted to him, I feel a kind of painful sense of duty and irritation. After all, as a child, I was morally strangled by my father."
Likewise, men with avoidant behavior characterize their mother as "suffocating" by their control, guardianship.
Quite often, the partner of a person with avoidant behavior is characterized, on the contrary, by a dependent, "sticking" style of behavior, rarely has significant interests in life, requires increased attention, affection, that is, it broadcasts a parental, "choking" pattern, which, on the contrary, causes a phobic rejection reaction.
The partner of a man with an avoidant type of reaction unconsciously enters into the role of a "mother" who is trying to persistently "warm up" and correct her "chick", take all responsibility for him in their family, be a "horse with iron eggs". Such a woman morally castrates her man.
The same can be said about a husband who, without his serious hobbies in life and concentrating all his attention on his wife, jealous of her work, controlling, complaining about the lack of affection, sex, risks causing serious sexual cooling in her in the presence of the avoidance pattern behavior.
Also, avoidant behavior can be broadcast out of fear of rejection. It is easier for the avoiding partner to give up feelings himself than to be abandoned.
It is common for people with avoidant behaviors to engage in long-distance lovemaking or to enter into a relationship with the wrong person.
An important step in the therapy of addicted-avoidant couples is to recognize these patterns and agree on personal boundaries. Treatment of childhood traumatic experiences may be required.
It is by no means uncommon for such couples to find themselves in the codependent Karpman triangle, in which each with varying success plays the roles of Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor, and the role of Victim is usually basic for each of the participants.
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