10 Rules Of Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When you part with a significant person, it often turns out that you did not have time to do much. In my head, half-thought thoughts and unrealized plans swarm: they did not finish, they didn’t love, they didn’t finish building, they didn’t get there. Even when everything is mutual, when “everything went to this”, “we both decided so” and “mom was right,” no one is immune from internal experiences. It doesn't matter who you blame for the breakup - yourself or him - you both suffer from “missed opportunity” syndrome. The one who left regrets the time lost. The one from whom they left - about unfulfilled dreams. The feeling that “it was possible, but not done” is a disgusting thing.

So why is this happening? We are serious adults who have repeatedly received rakes of different colors and sizes on our foreheads. We went to psychologists, shook our ass, conducted an internal dialogue with us and did hair removal. We almost managed to push the inner adult out of our comfort zone and love our inner child. But in fact, it turns out that we were so busy with preparatory work that we did not

managed to be happy. We learned to build boundaries and forgive toxic parents, distinguish projections from transferences, and recognize a psychopath by the sound of footsteps a mile away. We improved our communication skills, but we never learned how to relax and trust our partner. We put labels on someone with whom, in theory, we are going to spend a significant part of our life, instead of just loving him. Yes, it's that simple - to accept, hug, forgive and hear.

If at 20 I looked at relationships from the position “he should”, and at 30 - from the position, “I should”, then at 40 I finally realized that everyone “should”, first of all, to himself. And this is what makes happy families. Happy are families where everyone knows what he wants, where partners support each other without taking away the freedom of choice, where trust, acceptance and understanding live.

When building relationships, we often go to extremes. We either want to control everything, or, on the contrary, for someone to do all the work for us, magically guessing our "Wishlist". Experience shows that neither approach works. The secret, as always, is simple - to talk, to voice your desires, doubts and aspirations.

Can a person who has gone through several divorces and is himself in a stage of change give advice? Yes. Because it doesn't matter how many times you screw it up. It is important what you got out of this. And I have made a few simple rules - my personal rules - which I want to share with you.

1. Don't try to change anyone … You will never make a toy terrier out of a tiger and you will never get milk from a goat. Either you accept your partner as he is, or you move on. Of course, in the process of living together, you will get used to each other. However, what annoyed you at the beginning of the relationship will eventually lead to a breakup. Yes, temporarily this irritant disappeared from view, supplanted by hormones and the desire to "put together the word Eternity from the pieces of ice." But when the fog clears away, all these pieces of ice will painfully scribble into your hand. It's not worth it.
2. Real relationships should be fun., not pain. It is only in the movies that you have to suffer happiness. In reality, there will never be an equal sign between these concepts. And it doesn't matter what you suffer from - from his betrayal or from your reflection in the mirror. Where love lives, hope for the best reigns. In the most difficult times, it is she, like a ray of light, that prevents you two from falling into the abyss. And if your relationship plunges you into the abyss - why do you need it?
3. Exhale and trust to your partner. Without this, it is impossible to build a relationship. If you chose him, then there is something good in him. So why do you strive to control his every move, as if he was incapacitated? Why turn a grown man into a little boy? Let him take responsibility for your couple's well-being. Partner's trust is the highest reward. Give him a chance to prove himself, and you will be surprised with what new colors your relationship will sparkle.
4. Be yourself … You got it already, right? If he chose you, then there is definitely something good in you. Don't try to portray someone you are not. You can't stand on tiptoe for long. If you like jeans and sneakers, don't play fifu in heels. And if you are a girl in a dress, you shouldn't try to hammer in nails demonstratively. You have the right not to like cooking, not watching football, not wanting flowers, not eating chocolate, and preferring piranhas to cats. Do you want to be happy? Then be yourself. After all, otherwise he will build a relationship with the image you have created, and you will remain out of work.
5. Breathe and let me breathe to another. Develop. The fact that you are together does not mean that you have turned into Siamese twins. Everyone has the right to their desires, hobbies, friends, personal time and space. Are you bothered by his friends? See point 1. Confused by chatting - read point 3.
6. Leave both to yourself and to him the right to make a mistake … Both of you are not perfect - that's a fact. You can break loose and throw a tantrum, but he can be punctured with the choice of a gift. Real relationships are challenging. Try not to transfer past negative experiences to him and do not compare Vasya with Petya. You're not expecting a trick when buying a new watermelon just because the past was savory, are you? It's the same in relationships. The fear of losing our face has been inherent in us since childhood. You know, it's not scary to be wrong - it's scary not to try.
7. Learn to listen and speak. Both parties are responsible for the perception of information. If you want him to hear you, learn to express your thoughts clearly and clearly. Tantrums and manipulations are not your friends. If your man is not an idiot, then he will quickly see through your pretense and stop trusting you. And nobody likes hysterics. By the way, the image of a bitch, so replicated by women's magazines, is characterized by intelligence and cold calculation. Think about it before opening your mouth for another fight.
8. People love to be praised. If you are pleased that he noticed your new hairstyle or your promotion, it is logical to assume that he, too, is pleased with your attention. Praise your man. But not as a little boy who brought an A from school, but as a breadwinner who dragged a mammoth to the cave entrance. Admiration must be sincere - otherwise it is worthless. By the way, when you praise, do not forget that you will have to butcher this mammoth.
9. Be proud. With yourself, with them, with your relationships. You are building something very important that, perhaps, will remain in the centuries in the person of your children and grandchildren. Do not merge your relationship at the first threat and do not allow advisors into them. If two smart adults decide to join forces and call themselves a couple, this is the most important project of your life. You invest time and nerves in it - the most invaluable resources. If this is not a reason for pride, then what?
10. Do not be afraid and believe. Trust that you will succeed. Believe in the sincerity of your feelings and the strength of your love. Trust that you can always start over or take a timeout. Believe that nothing is impossible. Just believe. And don't be afraid of anything. In building relationships, there is nothing more valuable than faith in each other and the success of your relationship.