2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
What if you find it difficult to take from life what you think is too good for yourself (accepting flowers, gifts, a man, business clients, etc.)?
To begin with, it is worth understanding the origins of this "complexity". In fact, the whole point is not that it is too good, but that it is too good for you (others have the right to accept expensive gifts, take a good man, take the same business clients away, but I cannot!). Why do you think so? The answer is simple - low self-esteem.
The concept of low self-esteem includes nuances that are important for a person:
- lack of the right to take something for yourself;
- a little derogatory attitude towards oneself - “I am worse than others” (based on this axiom, a person lives).
Why does the clutch "I have no right, because I am worse than others" arises? The root of the problem is latent in early childhood and is directly related to the relationship of early objects of attachment to a child who has now become an adult (“You cannot, you are still small, but adults can!”). In general, this behavior of parents is found everywhere - children are not allowed ice cream (it is cold!), You cannot drink beer (this is alcohol!), Etc. In response to such prohibitions, children may be offended. And here the question is how exactly we present the prohibition to the baby. You can arrogantly say ("You can't!"), Or you can calmly explain the reason for the ban ("You can't, because it's alcohol. Children don't drink such drinks, you will feel bad, your health will deteriorate", "Cold ice cream will hurt your throat"). If a child in childhood had a message from his parents "you can't, but we can," as he matures, he subconsciously feels "everyone can do it, but I can't do what I want." This is where the difficulty arises to take the best from life for yourself.
How can these psychological problems be dealt with? I recommend that you go through two of my trainings - "Self-Esteem Apni" and "Aggression as a Resource". The second will allow you to have desires, to voice them to yourself, to say to others: “I have the right, give it to me!”.
People with low self-esteem who are derogatory towards themselves cannot ask for help, and this greatly limits their lives. It is impossible to do everything yourself - if you constantly drag everything on yourself, sooner or later you will break. We are not immortal ponies, we need to turn to other people for help at least sometimes in some moments of life. If you want to do something yourself - do it, but learn to delegate and ask for help. Without this ability to live in the world is quite difficult, too much falls on the shoulders of one person.
A self-confident person with a fully formed identity is never shy or ashamed, much less feels worse than others when he needs help. If we consider the translation of the word “self-support”, this does not mean literally “self-support, you take everything out by yourself”, it means more - “within yourself you can organize the support of your Ego; if necessary, attract other people."
So, the root of the problem lies in the narcissistic parents, and here it is very important to work on the inner restoration of their value judgments and distance from the narcissistic parents. Relatively speaking, a person's thinking unconsciously looks like this - these flowers are two points, these are five, and these are ten. I am still worth two points, but not ten points! Similarly, in relation to a man - "At best, I will allow myself a five!". All this sounds rather terrible and humiliating, but, alas, in a person's head it is so arranged, and the reason is directly in the devaluating, narcissistic parents who evaluated any behavior of their child, commented on every action (to the extent that mom and dad were thinking, worthy whether their child get some kind of toy!). Unable to admit to themselves that they could not afford something, the parents sent the baby the message "this is because of you."
Your task is to get away from value judgments. In fact, everything in the world is equally valuable - the different cost of things from an energy point of view does not matter. You have the right to take everything, but you cannot, so learn this. Give yourself the right to insulate yourself from your parents and their value judgments. For some time on this process you will work inside your consciousness (I have the right, I have the right …). By and large, you need to relate yourself to the object of attachment that has imposed such an evaluative outlook on life (mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather) - repeat in your head: "Mom, I have the right, mom I have the right!" If you need to work out the problem deeper, you should contact a psychotherapist.
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