Why Isn't Becoming “the Best Version Of Yourself” Working?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The standards broadcast from all sides in the media and social networks lead us to the idea that it is imperative to “work on ourselves”, to become “the best version of ourselves” and then - and only then - we will be worthy of the love of others and, most importantly, love for yourself. A kind of omnipotent control on the scale of an entire society.

What is omnipotent control anyway? This is an interesting phenomenon because it has both adaptive and harmful parts. For a small child, this is a way to cope with his helplessness, because the world is very unpredictable for him, not influenced, and the child, in turn, is very dependent on the world.

For example, a child wants his mother to play with him or hug him, or … He needs mother's attention, her love. Mom for him now is the whole world, and from this world he needs only one thing - to be loved. But the mother cannot do this at the moment, she is busy or she needs to go to work, or she is basically unavailable and cold to the child. That is, the world cannot satisfy the child's need. He is in the full sense of the word living the loss - he will not be able to get what he needs. And this is where omnipotent control comes into play: “I guess I misbehaved. And if next time I behave well, my mother will stay / will love me. The child thinks that his actions can directly affect the actions and feelings of the mother. And for him this is a way to adapt. In the future, this confidence in the possibility of control over the actions of others is transformed into a sense of the ability to influence your life.

But the ability to influence and the ability to control are slightly different things. And if an adult can have a certain degree of influence, then control is beyond our control.

And just the "harmful" influence of omnipotent control arises when even in adulthood we seem to be "stuck" in an attempt to nevertheless gain this kind of omnipotent control over the world and people around, wanting to make them love ourselves. And then in the relationship the idea arises that "Now I will lose a little more weight / get pumped up / master 158 techniques of intimacy / wiser / improve femininity / become a real man, and then they will still love me." And in relation to oneself, an attitude arises "Here it would be to remove, add here, and in general I only know five languages, I need more, and then you can finally treat yourself positively." And the feeling of guilt and shame that after all it does not work out, which means that you need to try even better.

I think there are many more examples of such thoughts. And they are all about the fact that I want to find a recipe for how to behave "right" in order to gain control over the world. And then you will not have to live the loss and accept that I cannot get the desired love: I cannot now or at all, I cannot here, I cannot in this way … That, in general, my actions may not lead to the desired result, but my feelings and actions the other does not change depending on what I do.

But sometimes I really I can not get what you want. This is very sad and this is a loss. Loss including a sense of control over the world. And it must be lived and accepted, because when I accept it, it becomes easier. There are no universal rules of the game. And I have the right to receive love, regardless of how I look, how much I earn and what I can do. My value is determined only by what I am in this world. And I, such as I am today and now, already have the “best version”. There can be no other.

And this is where the fun begins. As soon as the focus of my attention shifts from external to internal (where, by the way, the degree of my influence is much greater), transformations begin that were previously inaccessible.

I see this often in clients who have a long and painful history of weight loss and breakdowns. As soon as they stop trying to "fit" themselves to the standard and poke themselves for discrepancy, and focus on their inner value, the issue of weight goes away by itself: it either becomes unimportant in principle, or the process of losing weight already occurs out of love for oneself, carefully and consciously, and the desire to urgently gobble up the whole cake, since you have already “fallen off limp” into one piece, passes away.

It turns out that there is no universal recipe for receiving love from the world. And that's good news. This means you can find your own ways to get it. And in order to find them, you need to look not outside, but inside yourself. And as counterintuitive as it sounds, it works.