"Partner-dependent" Relationships: How Not To Get Into A Toxic Union. Psychologist Technologies

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In Krasnoyarsk, 92% of marriages break up in the first five years of married life. In general, over 60% of couples who officially registered their union in Russia file for divorce. And how many marriages or unregistered relationships last for years, making people unhappy? It is impossible to calculate the percentage. A happy couple is a union of self-sufficient individuals who are ready to accept and understand their partner. Much more common are the relationships of people with psychological problems: phobias, childhood traumas, not outlived complexes. Such alliances are by definition dependent, unequal, toxic. The relationship in them destroys both partners, as they resemble either a swing, or running along the Karpman triangle, or a Psychopathic circle. 90% of partners in toxic alliances are not able to get out of partner-dependent relationships without the help of specialists.

Poisoning with life together

Any addiction in life together is poison. This is always bad from a psychological and physiological point of view. With love addiction, a person experiences an unhealthy but very strong attachment to a partner, even if the relationship is painful and distressing. What makes you stay close to the source of unpleasant, sometimes terrible sensations?

• First of all, the already mentioned dependence. The partner sits down on thrills, overflowing emotions, vivid feelings. It is already difficult to exist without them, as without a glass of vodka for an alcoholic or a cigarette for a smoker. The possibility of losing emotions instantly stops the victim of a toxic relationship from leaving. Moreover, emotions can be different: the passion of reconciliation after a quarrel, adrenaline during a scandal, pity for an alcoholic or drug addict spouse, incinerating jealousy.
• The fear of being alone is another motive for maintaining this relationship. One or both sides are often complex. First thought: “Who needs me / needs me?”, “I am a worthless person, I will never have more than a pair. You need to hold on to this relationship."
• Predictability. Interaction in a pair is built according to a knurled pattern. Stimulus-response-result. The person is stopped by the fear of unknown patterns of relationships. Often people use excuses like, “They are all like that! Are others better? I will live with what I have. " Thus, the rationale for any, even the most terrible behavior is found: all men drink / beat / walk, and women are hysterical / jealous / demanding money. Stereotypical thinking becomes the basis for toxic marriage.
• The importance of the partner. It so happens that a person did not have enough love, attention and acceptance from his parents, and he by any means tries to compensate for what he did not receive, looking for a surrogate mother or father in a partner. The spouse takes the place of a parent in his soul, and therefore, as before, everything is accepted from his parents with humility (aggression, contempt, indifference), but in expectation of love and hope for a miracle (suddenly it will change).

Destructive relationships in couples are more dangerous than you might imagine. We will not talk about the social consequences of the phenomenon in detail, but domestic violence, personality degradation, alcoholism, drug addiction of entire families, abandoned children - all these phenomena come from such marriages.

For an individual, addiction turns into a loss of self-support and a loss of identity.

Basic models of destructive relationships

Psychologists distinguish several types of destructive relationships. Let's take a look at the most common ones.

1. Model "Victim and Rapist"

Relationships are built on the brutal suppression of one person's personality by another. One in a pair is ideal, endowed with talents and perfection, claims to have absolute knowledge of all things. The second one is “inexperienced”, does not know how to do anything, constantly makes mistakes even in ordinary daily activities, needs “mentoring”. Naturally, these "portraits" exist only in the imagination of partners. In reality, this is the aggressor and his victim.

Emotions become the instrument of influence: shame, humiliation, the experience of one's own inferiority. And all this against the background of the “ideality” of the partner, who nobly “educates”, “teaches the mind,” but in fact makes one feel inferior.

The interaction scheme in such a pair is simple:

• Stage one. Tension builds up, and the perpetrator makes the victim feel his inferiority in full. Especially those qualities, talents, abilities that are in fact extraordinary and highly developed are greatly belittled. If a woman is a good housewife, then cleanliness will be constantly criticized, the quality of the prepared dishes, the ironing of the linen, and the cleanliness of the apartment will be questioned.
• Stage two. Emotional release. Scandal, quarrel, claims, victim's riot. In some, especially pathological cases, they can end with assault. Always with psychological abuse.
• Stage three. The abuser feels guilty. Declarations of love and gifts smooths out the conflict. A truce ensues and a short period of idyllic relations. At this time, it may seem to outsiders that they are in front of an ideal couple.
• Stage four. Calm phase, "honeymoon".

The situation goes in a circle. The victim most often cannot break out of such a relationship, and does not want to. She is caught in a web of guilt, admitting her own inferiority, all the time trying to meet the increasing demands. The rapist is interested in such interaction, while the partner is trying to defend himself, to prove something. When resistance to pressure ceases, the relationship becomes unnecessary, as the daily confirmation of one's own power is lost.

2. Model of destructive relationships "Alcoholic and Rescuer"

Another very common situation. He (most often a man) drinks, walks, takes things out of the house to buy another bottle. She rushes to the embrasure to reason with him, cure him, protect him from the green serpent, "save the family."

In such a relationship, the alcoholic acts as a guardian child. He is capricious, leads loved ones, the whole family adjusts to him. And a woman in this situation finds herself in the role of a mother, mentor, doctor, psychologist. She helps, teaches, listens, guides on the true path.

Both positions in such a relationship are weak and flawed. An alcohol-dependent person terrorizes the family, often does not work, is a material and psychological burden, and often an aggressor. His Rescuer sacrifices his life, the interests of children, if any, in order to get the drunkard out of another binge, heal again and again, return to normal life, and motivate him to start a new sober life.

This gives the Rescuer the moral right to raise his own self-esteem, consider himself an ideal, declare that he “sculpted”, literally “created” another person.

There is a substitution of concepts. Instead of healthy relationships, destructive ones. The sacrificial position on the one hand, the passive position on the other. The rescuer replaces his development, interests, feelings with the life of his partner, not realizing that this is his space, his territory, his self-destruction.

The rescuer is afraid of inner emptiness, loneliness, longing, meeting with himself. The object of his efforts fills in the gaps in his soul.

3. Model of relations "Siamese twins"

From the outside, this model of relations looks ideal: common interests, hobbies, common opinion on all issues. Over time - identical reactions, coinciding thoughts. It would seem that this is the dream of many couples living in more “exciting” relationships with their quarrels and misunderstandings.

It is possible that this is only an illusion of the ideal. The problem is the erasure of personalities. There are no boundaries between them, and this is not a natural course of things leading to destruction. The absence of secrets, forbidden topics, any individual needs leads to the destruction of two personalities and the emergence of a certain intermediate phenomenon: there is not a single person in front of us, not a full-fledged duet.

Fears live within such a family. The worst part is parting. As soon as one of the "twins" attempts to rebel, the second perceives the situation as the end of the world, dramatizes, considers it a real betrayal, even if it is just going to a party alone, without a partner.

With age, "Siamese twins" begin to live as neighbors. They lose sexual interest in each other. Spiritual intimacy also becomes a habit, a routine, and then a formality. Dissolving in each other leads to a loss of interest. The partner stands on the same level with house slippers: it is convenient, familiar, but does not require any attention, no study, no flirting, no emotions.

4. Model of destructive relationships "Narcissus and the Admirer"

Narcissists are selfish individuals who are incapable of strong feelings. They are narcissistic, fixated on themselves and at the same time painfully afraid to seem ridiculous, untenable, not beautiful enough. Therefore, narcissists are not looking for a partner, but a "mirror". Only not objective, but crooked, capable only of praising, admiring. A couple for such a narcissist, unable to love and appreciate anyone, are suspicious, notorious, weak people who consider themselves unworthy of a brilliant partner, but are proud to be around.

In fact, even the "beautiful" narcissist needs praise and support due to hidden fears and insecurities. Sometimes they cannot even admit to themselves.

In addition to praise, companions of narcissists perform a service function: they solve everyday problems, surround them with care and even provide. Naturally, this is taken for granted, obligatory. The classic situation when a woman takes gifts, material well-being, care from a man for granted, without giving anything in return: "He is obliged to provide me, otherwise why would I have a husband!" Likewise, when a woman does all the housework, takes care of the children, works, and her husband is lying on the couch, considering the situation normal: “She should be grateful that I married her! Nobody needed it, but I warmed it up, although I could choose any! ".

If the needs of the selfish narcissistic partner are not met, then he goes in search of a better "reflector".

In such couples, the personality dissolves again, which found itself in the shadow of the "brilliant" partner. A person loses the remnants of self-respect, faith in himself, becomes only a pale shadow of his master.

5. Model of a destructive relationship "Parent and Child"

The traditional model that infantile adults strive for. From the care of their parents, they smoothly pass under the wing of a partner. Their goal is to find a replacement for their mother or father. Usually they succeed.

The partner who acts as a parent also realizes his psychological problems. First of all, the desire to be needed, in demand, significant. In his eyes, the second half is a frivolous, poorly adapted to reality creature who will disappear without help, care, advice.

The tension in the relationship of such couples manifests itself constantly. The "child" is constantly rebelling, trying to "throw off" the restrictions of the "adult" in a couple. And the "parent" is constantly annoyed, because "everything must be done by himself / herself." These inertial behaviors are played out every day.

Standard response patterns are complicated by fear. On the one hand, it is the fear of the “child” to be abandoned because of his whims. He is actually helpless, at least he thinks so. He is scared to be face to face with reality. On the other hand, these are experiences that the "child" will abandon a too strict parent, will cease to need him. This usually doesn't happen.

Painful addiction leads to the dissolution of the personality of the "child" in the partner. An infantile person eventually turns into a truly completely helpless being who is not aware of his desires, has no life goals, no understanding of how to live independently. "Who am I without you?" - as if the "child" asks a rhetorical question and answers: "Nobody."

6. Model of toxic relationships "Loneliness together"

Unlike previous models, it does not clearly demonstrate the emotional involvement of partners. Usually these are spouses-neighbors who live in the same territory, bring up common children, run a joint household, but remain strangers and unfamiliar people. They show no emotion. They don't even quarrel. They do not care. Outwardly, these are quite prosperous families.

Alienation was either present in the relationship initially, or it appeared due to traumatic reasons.

Marriages of convenience, relationships “because it’s necessary” or “everyone is getting married, and I have to go” lead to situations like this.

Serious experiences, pain, resentment, loss can cause emotional closeness and alienation. A person loops on these feelings, does not open up to a partner, and he does not want to notice hidden experiences.

Tensions and divisions between spouses are hushed up, not discussed. There is no attempt to build a dialogue. Both spouses suffer from loneliness, incomprehension, melancholy. Feelings are accompanied by a sense of uselessness.

Relationships that are smoothly flowing turn out to be deeply traumatic, lead to breakdowns, neuroses that seem to grow out of nowhere, but in fact have deep roots.

7. Model of destructive relationships "In search of the ideal"

A person who grew up in an unhealthy environment often does not realize his true needs, does not know and does not know how to build sincere, deep, stable relationships. Not knowing how to be happy on his own, he embarks on a search for the ideal partner who can make him happy. He goes over partners, literally "changing them like gloves", not finding the main thing in them - personal happiness, devalues everyone. This cycle can be against the background of the search for "vivid emotions", "super sex", "ideal hostess", "real man". It does not matter what is the basis, what is important is that a person is looking for the cause of personal dissatisfaction in others and every time he is convinced that "Fedot is not the same again" or that "Masha is good, but not ours."

Whichever role model you find yourself in, destructive relationships must either be rebuilt or broken. In any case, the support of a psychologist is required, who will help to understand the depth of the problem and find the right way out

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psychologist and psychotherapist Maria Viktorovna Kudryavtseva

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