Karpman's Triangle - How Not To Get Into Troubled Relationships?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What is Karpman's Triangle?

Karpman's triangle is a very common social model of relationships between people, in which people play three key roles: Controller (persecutor), Victim and Savior (deliverer).

An unlimited number of people can interact in a triangle, but there are always three roles. Also, the participants in the triangle can periodically change roles. But in the end, joining such "Games" should not expect anything good. Plunging into any of these roles, a person begins to ignore reality.

If you do not want “Problematic Relationships” with people, it is important to understand, track and not get involved when you are invited to “play” such games. Therefore, first, let's take a look at the 3 key roles that are in this Triangle.

Victim - consciously or unconsciously chooses suffering. The victim does NOT take responsibility for his problems on himself, but seeks (and finds) the guilty ones around. From her stories, you can hear that everyone is unfair to her, she constantly tries, but they do not treat her fairly. She does not cope with life's difficulties because someone is to blame for this. This position is beneficial for the Victim. She gives a reason to whine, complain about fate, injustice, meanness of people. (This is a secondary benefit of the Sacrifice). A reason appears explaining the reasons for her failures. She is now offended, now scared, now ashamed. She is jealous and jealous. She lacks neither the strength, nor the time, nor the desire to do something to improve her life. She is inert. In this role, a person is afraid of life and expects only bad things from it. This approach allows the Victim to find a Rescuer (who will sympathize, help, get rid of problems). In the beginning, the victim receives sympathy from him, complicity. Then he tries to shift OWN responsibility onto the Rescuer. And then he blames him for his failures.

Controller (stalker) - I am sure that the Victim is the culprit of all problems (including him). He brings this message to the Victim and others. The controller exerts pressure, imposes his own style of behavior and thoughts (or the one that he considers correct), in general, "teaches life." This manifests itself as tyranny up to physical impact. From all this, the Controller gets a sense of his own importance and significance. He is almost always tense, irritated, angry and afraid to relax. It is difficult for him to forget past problems, so he constantly predicts new troubles in the future. He controls, persecutes and criticizes the victim (you need to drain your displeasure on someone). He feels an unbearable burden of responsibility and gets very tired of it. But he does not want to give up this role, because such behavior gives him confidence in his own infallibility and superiority.

Savior (deliverer) - most often feels pity and sympathy for the victim and anger and sometimes hostility and aggression towards the controller. At first it may seem that he doesn’t need this game, but … The Redeemer also gets his “Bonuses” from participating in the game. Helping the Victim, he feels himself higher, smarter, more capable, more successful, as he does what the Victim is supposedly unable to do. And that means - it is better! The rescuer considers himself to be a cut above everyone else. He takes pleasure in being “saving” others. But in fact, he does not save anyone, because no one asked him about it. Although from the outside, everything looks decent. He seems to be helping! His need is an illusion, and the goal of his actions and advice is self-affirmation, not real help. Although he can believe and convince himself that his mission is to "save" suffering people from problems. But you can really help a person only when he himself asks for help (only in this case a person decides to solve his problems).

How does the "Insidious Mechanism" work and how does it work?

Controller (stalker) does not give rest to the victim, builds it, forces and criticizes;

Victim tries, gets tired, suffers, complains, finds those who are to blame for her problems;

Savior (deliverer) consoles, advises, puts ears and a vest for tears.

As mentioned above, the participants in the Karpman Triangle periodically change roles. Such a melodrama can last for many years, people may not even realize that they are firmly stuck in a triangle.

How does the "Insidious Triangle" mechanism start?

There is a Sacrifice. She complains about the Controller's actions and unfortunate circumstances, but does NOT make any attempt to change anything on her own. There is a Controller. He persecutes the Victim, he has someone to pour out his negativity on and there is someone to blame for his troubles (while the Victim suffers, suffers).

Then the Savior appears. He CANNOT pass by the suffering of the Victim and at first sympathizes with the Victim, and then begins to solve her problems. The Savior enjoys the role of a hero. The victim gains compassion and is relieved of responsibility for his or her life.

The Rescuer starts attacking the Persecutor (or the Victim attacks the Rescuer and at the same time begins to feel sorry for the Controller) and thus the roles change - they change places. And so on ad infinitum.

In fact, all participants depend on each other, because they see the source of their problems in another. And they endlessly try to change a person so that he serves their purposes.

Participants switch between roles and then chase, then save each other. In this case, manipulations based on feelings are usually involved: guilt, shame, pity, duty. Grievances and complaints come up from time to time.

Such a mechanism can work for many years because the system is stable. And it is made sustainable by the benefits that each of the representatives of the triangle receives.

Communication within the triangle is a very effective way not to take responsibility for your actions and decisions, as well as to receive strong emotions as a reward for this and the right not to solve your problems (since others are to blame for “this all”). This ensures existence and the interaction of roles in the triangle.

Is there a way out of the triangle?

Yes, of course there is. Since this is a specific model, it means that it has a triggering mechanism and what supports it (we have already discussed this above). So in order to find a way out of this model it is necessary:

Live your life, take responsibility for your thinking and behavior. For this, it is important to realize that in order to fulfill his own desires, it is enough for a person to gradually and regularly take more and more of his own life into his own hands.

It is important to learn to act independently. You need to learn to set goals and move in the chosen direction, regardless of whether there is someone who will help or no one is there.

Gradually, with such a strategy of thinking and behavior, an awareness will be formed that you yourself are the author and the cause of everything that happens in your life.

You set and achieve your own goals, you get joy and satisfaction from this. And what happens in other people's lives is their choice. This is an important thought that I advise you to reread several times.

How to stop being a Victim?

1. Stop complaining about life. At all. Spend this time looking for opportunities to improve things that don't suit you;
2. Remember once and for all: no one owes you anything. Even if they promised, if they really wanted to, if they themselves offered. Circumstances are constantly changing, as are human desires. Yesterday they wanted to give you something, today they don't want to. Stop waiting for salvation;
3. Everything you do is your choice and your responsibility. And you have the right to make another choice if this one does not suit you;
4. Don't make excuses or beat yourself up if you feel like you're not living up to someone's expectations.

How to stop being a Controller?

1. Stop blaming other people and circumstances for your problems;
2. Nobody is obliged to conform to your ideas about what is right and wrong. People are different, situations are different, if you don’t like something, just don’t deal with it;
3. Solve conflicts and disagreements peacefully, without anger and aggression;
4. Stop asserting yourself at the expense of those who are weaker than you.

How can you stop being a Savior?

1. If you are not asked for help or advice, be silent;
2. Stop thinking that you know better how to live, and that without your most valuable recommendations, the world will collapse;
3. Don't make rash promises, especially if other people are needed to fulfill them;
4. Stop waiting for gratitude and praise. You help because you want to help, not for honors and rewards, right?
5. Before you rush to “do good,” ask yourself honestly: Is your intervention necessary and effective?
6. Stop asserting yourself at the expense of those who are a little more immodest in their complaints about life.

Triangle exit strategy:

If you set yourself a goal to get out of the triangle and follow it step by step, change will not be long in coming. You will have more time and energy, it will become easier to breathe and more interesting to live. Relationship tensions are likely to ease.

Victim turns into Hero … Now, instead of complaining about fate, a person fights against failures, but experiences not exhaustion, but excitement. Solving problems, he does not complain to everyone around him, but enjoys being able to solve them.

Controller transforms into Philosopher … Observing the actions of the hero from the side, he no longer criticizes, does not worry about the result. He accepts any result. He knows that things go better in the end.

Savior becomes Motivator … He provokes the hero to exploits, describing brilliant prospects. He looks for opportunities to use the strength of the hero and pushes him to accomplishments.

And this is a healthier and happier model of relationships between people.

What if others are trying to pull into the triangle?

The triangle is triggered when the Sacrifice shrugs off responsibility and the Savior tries to take responsibility for the Sacrifice (often when no one asks for it).

Therefore, if you are offered to become a Savior, then most likely so that there is someone to blame later in case of failure. Therefore, think three times before taking responsibility for other people's problems.

No matter how much other people want to shove the responsibility for solving their problems onto you, your task is to return their responsibility back.

The most important thing to remember is that in order not to get stuck in a triangle, you need to learn to maintain adequate neutrality, remembering your own boundaries and the boundaries of the responsibility of other people.

- Defend your comfort. If you do not like the topic of the conversation, you can simply say that you do not want to discuss this topic - this is your right. Each person has freedom of choice - it's your choice.

- keep your moral and peace of mind. To do this, remember: responsibility for the emotional state of another person lies with him, not with you;

- do not take away the right to choose from another person. His life is his life. You shouldn't interfere with it. Of course, you can suggest, offer help or help if the person asks. But everyone must make their own choice;

- if you are required to solve your problem. In this case, you can gently make it clear to the person that you are not competent in his question and advise someone else. Or, you can indirectly suggest several options. But at the same time, say that you do not know how it will be better and that anything can turn out.

- when communicating, analyze whether you adequately interpret the feelings and desires of another person;

- support and energize the person. Often people slip into a victim position because they become discouraged. In this case, it is best to cheer up the person, awaken in him the desire to act, the desire to change something!

- direct the person to the position of the author. Bring communication towards constructiveness. Discuss specific actions that need to be taken in order to achieve the goal and implement the plans. It is important to convey to the person the idea: if you don’t do it, you are to blame for the lack of a result.

- develop the habit of thinking about how your behavior can affect the situation (what the long-term consequences may be). Over time, it will become clear to you when you need to take the initiative, and when it is better to do nothing, because no one asked you;

- Assign areas of responsibility. If you do decide to help, it is better to agree in advance who is responsible for what, who is doing what. For example: you will only help in a specific amount that you agreed in advance. All other efforts will have to be done by a person.

Where to go next? Or the triangle of "Creative Relations"

As a result, if you follow these guidelines, you will be less and less yanked by stupid people. There will be fewer and fewer manipulative games in your relationship.

You will have a clear and transparent vision: either you will help, or everything is clear to you who is in front of you and what the person wants from you. And of course, there is an opportunity to build healthy, pleasant and comfortable relationships.

With this approach, the triangle of "Problematic relationships" will be transformed into a triangle of "Creative relationships"

In such a triangle, there will be mutual understanding, pleasure, happiness and healthy mutual support:

1. Herobecomes The winner … He does not perform feats for praise, but for the creative use of energy. He does not need laurels, he enjoys the very process of creativity, the opportunity to change something for the better in this world.
2. Philosopherturns into The beholder … He sees connections in the world that are inaccessible to others. He realizes new opportunities and gives birth to ideas that can effectively transform the surrounding reality.
3. Motivatortransforms into Strategia … He knows exactly how to realize the ideas of the beholder and embodies their world. Creating more and more benefit for yourself and the people around you.

So I think we have analyzed in sufficient detail the strategy and tactical steps that must be taken in order not to get hit and if it is necessary to get out of the Karpman triangle.

Do not play games that are useless and do not lead anywhere. Do not accept ineffective and uncomfortable ones imposed from outside the role. Learn to recognize and not get involved in destructive and problematic relationships.

At the same time, remember that sometimes people ask for your advice not because they want to shift responsibility for the result onto you. They may just need more information. Then give him your advice.

But if you notice that the person really wants to "Get you into trouble" - then don't fall into this trap. All that is needed for this we have discussed above.

In this article, we looked at how the social model, the Karpman Triangle, works. Now you know you need not to get involved in a problematic relationship. And how to get out of them, if all the same they got into them.

This is a really useful model. But if you want to learn how to build quality and happy relationships, then start with the FREE video course: “ SYSTEM RELATIONSHIP ADJUSTMENT ».

In this course, you will receive a step-by-step methodology that will help you figure out: What, How and in what sequence you need to do so that you have the desired relationship. So that they develop and move in the direction you need.

Well, until we meet in the course. Sincerely Dmitry Poteev.