2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
How can the effectiveness of our lives depend on parenting messages? And what have these messages got to do with it? And what are they generally?
Even such a widespread parental philosophical adage "you are a fool!" can have an impact on all areas of human life. In childhood, the most painful and often repeated one sinks into our souls. And even though in the future our consciousness will whisper "this is all a lie" … But already we will build our adult life either in spite of, or competing with our parents or endlessly proving something to them.
- “Do you have crooked hands? Can't you boil an egg normally already?”A 10-year-old girl hears from her mother. Over time, she will learn to cook, but in this process she will not be herself. "On the! Eat! Just get rid of it."
- “Well, you are dressed up! You should have put a pot on your head! - and a beautiful, charming girl does not know what kind of inner strength and charm she refuses in herself when, after 10, 20, 30 years she puts on nondescript and colorless dresses, or even does not get out of her trousers at all.
- “Well, don't cry! You are a man, not a woman! - and the boy's heart closes forever. He separates from his tenderness, vulnerability, sensitivity. He puts on the guise of a rude and insensitive peasant, he lives someone else's life, in which everything is alien - both a woman, and children, and parents.
- “You won’t eat, I’ll leave you here,” and a 5-year-old boy shrinks inside, suppressing his desire and protest, choking on cold soup and no longer noticing how to choke on everything in his life - work, duties, duty, everyday life, family … How it crushes the interesting and new in itself. How he renounces himself for the sake of stereotypes and patterns.
There are other parental messages - "You are beautiful", "You are smart", "If it hurts, cry", "It didn't work out, let me help" - and the life story of these adults is also different.
This is neither good nor bad. This is reality. This is not roulette or luck. It is often said: “I just had no luck with my mother. If I had a different childhood, I would have a different life. I would have achieved a lot. So they say from strong inner pain.
And when it hurts for decades, you don’t notice your strength in principle.
We live, get married, get married, raise children, work, build a career - only within us is destroyed intrinsic value and big doubts: "Am I significant in this life?"
We are left alone. Because it is difficult for the Other, who does not have pain, to explain such a simple thing - even to believe in oneself there is no longer enough energy. She remained there, in childhood, in ridicule, contempt or devaluation from her beloved mother, father, grandmother, grandfather. Part of the soul remained with them for decades, waiting - what if they fell in love? What if they remember that I am their, my own, dear?
You can stay in these expectations, loneliness and pain. And as an inheritance, to pass it on to your children. Let them carry on, you did not overstrain, but the fact that the soul cracked, so endure.
Or you can get off the ground and start looking for a solution to what for many years shared with yourself and your strength.
Take the first step towards your independence and influence on yourself.
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