2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I am currently observing how fashionable it has become to offer services to "get rid of feelings of guilt". Well, what's wrong? Do we normally perceive ads for pills promising to heal "headaches, joint pains, regular female pains"? The natural human desire for less suffering also extends to unpleasant feelings. Tormented by fear? Let's get rid of fear. Tired of wine? What problems? Let's cut it off now!
Meanwhile, professional psychotherapists are not at all eager to rid their clients of feelings. On the contrary, they offer to study these feelings from different angles and even - oh, horror! - to experience them. The normal psychotherapist cannot guarantee his clients complete relief from suffering. Human life on planet Earth still not 100% of the time resembles a pleasure walk. And everyone will face difficulties, unfulfilled desires, losses, grief, pain. And he himself will certainly be the cause of someone's difficulties or suffering. It's unavoidable. And guilt in this case is a pretty correct feeling. It is born of empathy and love for the one we hurt. And the meaning of this feeling is to accept responsibility for actions that cause difficult feelings for another person. And, if there is an opportunity and resources, to help another get through this pain with the least loss. A person who knows how to experience feelings of guilt is able to stay in a relationship much better than people who avoid meeting this feeling.
We are talking about natural guilt, the experience of which does not bring the most pleasant sensations, but the result of the experience can be personal and spiritual growth, strengthening or restructuring of relationships. For a person to be able to experience guilt in this way, he must grow up in a family where guilt was legal for all of its members. That is, if a child dropped a vase, then he could feel guilty for his awkwardness. From a certain age, a child is quite capable of realizing that mom or dad is upset and empathizes with them, a desire to fix everything, even without the parents being punished or shamed. But the parents had the right to realize their responsibility for the fact that they did not foresee such a turn of events and did not take care of the fragile property and health of the child. And they are also allowed to feel guilty for the fact that they shouted at the baby in the heat of the moment. Parents have no fear of losing their authority by showing their humanity. Feelings of guilt require some kind of action to restore balance in the system. The guilty person is not persecuted, an apology is not "squeezed out" of him. They do not hide from him the consequences of his act and the feelings that this act caused. Damage compensation, if possible, is welcomed and supported. If the situation has exhausted itself, they do not return to it for pedagogical purposes. And if in a family it is customary to apologize to each other, regardless of age and status, it is unlikely that in the future a person who grew up in such a family will pay attention to announcements like "I will relieve the feeling of guilt." He will most likely feel guilt, worry, try to correct the situation, but in exactly those volumes and as long as it makes sense for himself and the other side. Not more.
In general, I have an assumption that those who already have it weakly want to get rid of the feeling of guilt. But the remnants of conscience prevent the final decision to walk over corpses in order to achieve their own goals. But people who really suffer from feelings of guilt will come to a therapist with a completely different request. For example, like this: "I did not try enough and they are still unhappy with me - at work, in the family." Or: "I am a bad housewife, wife and mother. How can I become better?" People come to the therapist who, roughly speaking, have borrowed five kopecks, have already returned a hundred rubles, but ask the therapist to help them find a couple of extra millions in their pockets in order to distribute the rest of the imaginary debts in interest. That is, in addition to real, often trifling guilt (and all of us, I repeat, are not angels), a person feels the need to apologize almost for the fact of his existence.
Psychotherapy does not relieve suffering. But she is definitely able to help deal with the excess burden that a person carries with him for various reasons and which causes additional suffering. Serious everyday storms happen in every person's life, and if the ship is not overloaded, it has a much better chance of staying afloat in any storm. The feeling of guilt is an important component of our behavior, and it is only possible to get rid of this feeling completely by seriously damaging the brain. Which, by the way, happens as a result of chronic poisoning with psychoactive substances, for example, or in the case of serious injuries and illnesses. However, sometimes an excess of guilt, a feeling of guilt "for everything in the world" is also a consequence of malfunctioning of the brain, a frequent companion of clinical depression or neurological diseases. In this case, it happens that it is impossible to do without a doctor.
For those who, after reading this text, suspect that he is completely a little more guilty than actually guilty, I suggest a simple, but a little risky exercise. Try to pick one or two "sins" for which you feel guilty. Write them down on paper, on your computer, or right here in the comments. And start the phrase like this "I would like to ask forgiveness from …. for what I did towards him (her) as follows: …". Watch how much your "debt list" shrinks. Because real wine is always targeted and objective, in contrast to ballast, which pulls to the bottom.
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